Smelly and toxic

[largelyinnocent]

My OH says that I smell unpleasant, and that I have no self-respect, that I disgust them, and so on. They call me a 'disgusting pig' in front of our son, and they say the same things to him too - that he smells bad. My son and I are both autistic, with issues around self-care, so, likely, we are not as fresh-smelling or clean as other people, I am not sure. We try our best.

As a result, I have become paranoid about this and no longer like meeting people since I am aware that I smell, even if I can't smell it myself. I have a weakened bladder due to recent bladder cancer and I am worried that perhaps this contributes to making me smell too, even though I am not aware of it. Because I smell so bad, my partner has refused to sleep with me now for over five years. They say that they would consider having a romantic relationship with me if I stopped smelling so bad, but I can't seem to become good enough.

I do try to keep clean and fresh, but my OH says that even if I have had a bath they are still repulsed by me because I 'obviously' have no self-respect, and that disgusts them as much as the smell, so having a bath in itself doesn't make me clean in their eyes. I am now retired, so I don't meet people socially or in public often, but when I do I am now self-conscious and I think everyone is aware of how I smell.

Yesterday I heard that my violent and abusive step-father died, and I spoke about on Facebook about how I felt about it. I hid it from family members because I didn't want to cause trouble for them. I also hid it from my OH because I thought they would be unsympathetic. But they discovered what I had said about my stepfather (all bad!) through another person and are now saying I am toxic because I didn't share my thoughts with them on Facebook, and that I shouldn't hide things from them.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I am not being treated fairly? It doesn't seem toxic to me to want to deal with a death in my family in my own way. The thing with my stepfather on top of the smell business and my loneliness make me wonder if I should get a divorce and end the relationship, but I am not sure if they haven't got a point. I am now retired and don't have many friends, so I am frightened of losing the little family I have, but at the same time I don't want to spend my final years with someone who finds me so repulsive and makes me so ashamed of myself.

Your partner sounds abusive and awful. Even if they think you have an issue with aspects of personal hygeine the way they are expressing themselves is totally unacceptable.

"Have you any friends or anyone else you could ask if they've noticed any issues with your personal hygiene?"

I haven't tried that, but I should.

"Has your ds school raised any issues with you about his personal hygiene?"

They have not, though he goes to a special school and so this sort of thing is always on the agenda.

OP, your partner is abusive. Regardless of the circumstances, you and your child do not deserve to be spoken to like that. Please leave this person.

However, you have been asked multiple times if you and DC are showering, brushing your teeth and wearing clean clothes daily. As you’re choosing not to answer, I’m assuming the answer is no? If so, there really isn’t any point asking your friends for their opinions on your hygiene - you know it’s bad. If you’d like resources to help you with it, I’m sure there are commenters who can help.

It sounds like you’re being emotionally abused. No one should be calling you names. I’m worried about your son too, is it his mother saying these things? Does she call him names as well?

A number of people have asked just how clean I am. I try my best but do not always have a shower or bath, and often miss brushing my teeth. That is because the whole thing is physically unpleasant for me. I have tried being better but the constant negative feedback from my OH has really demoralised me and actually makes it much harder to be cleaner, since when I am clean it doesn't make any difference to them. So, I do make the effort, but could try harder, its just that making an effort doesn't make any difference to them. It has been more than five years now that they refuse any intimacy with me, whether I ham clean or not,. It is just demoralising.

However bad I am at cleaning, it was not a problem for literally anyone, including previous partners, for the first 55 years of my life. It was not even a problem for my OH for the first years of our relationship and marriage.

I am doing my best, though could always do better. I do use incontinence pads since my cancer treatment, especially since I am constantly being reminded of how I smell. The thing is, all the criticism, especially spread out over years, does not make me want to try harder, it just makes me feel repulsive.

Your partner should never call you names. That is abusive and not okay.

But, I am repulsed by poor hygiene and would not go anywhere near my DH if he isn't showering and having proper hygiene.

My DH is neurodiverse and struggles with self care and often needs to be reminded to do things... But he responds with humility and jumps in the shower because he prioritises our relationship and understands smelling bad is unpleasant to be around.

You need to start a routine and stick to it, regardless of whether you stay with your partner. Be a good example for your child and show him that even though it is hard, it needs to be done.

They also do great incontinence supplies for men now, that will greatly help any smells.

Edit, sorry OP I didn't see your update. You answered some of the things I said.

I will say, I am repulsed by the knowledge someone may not be clean... It isn't just about smell. It is about good hygiene. You can be dirty and not smell. Also maybe past partners were being kind... Maybe it has got worse as you have aged. You need to want to do this for yourself and your child.

I'm autistic,I've always struggled with showering...I like the actual shower and warm water .it's the getting out wet and dripping,that I don't like and I can never get dry enough and then feel cold and damp all day .
Anyway I got round it ,by killing two birds with one stone
I go swimming every morning for exercise and obviously then need a shower and hair wash to get rid of the chlorine..
My eldest son ,has one shower a year if we are lucky ,I change his clothes when I can get to them , bizarrely he doesn't smell
I suspect your husband is gaslighting you into thinking you smell when you don't

You have 2 issues. Both you can fix.

First get rid of the abusive partner (if they did say what you say they did in the manner you report).
Second get a daily hygiene routine going. Shower or bath daily, brush your teeth twice a day, use deodorant, keep your facial hair tidy or clean shaven.

It is horrible living with a partner with no mind for their personal hygiene but that doesn't excuse them being abusive to you.

Your partner is rude and I suspect that maybe if you get rid of them and their toxic comments your mental health might improve and your personal hygiene would also improve.

Try not to use your autism as a reason not to wash regularly and brush your teeth-because tooth ache hurts like hell. I have 2 autistic children and getting one of them to shower was difficult until I learned he liked it hotter than our shower was set at-I’m not saying that would help you but maybe play with the settings on your shower.

Get rid of the OH though-they don’t sound good for you. Work on yourself.

OP there are two separate issues here, and you need to think of them separately. You have acknowledged that your hygiene is not what it should be. It doesn't matter if your partner acknowledges the changes or not, you need to do something about it for your own sake and your son. Find out if there is help or support available for this. The second issue is your husband - he is emotionally abusive, you deserve better and so does your son.

you need some objective advice. Make an appointment with your GP practice or your consultant at the hospital be open and honest about the problem they will have seen it before and they will be able to give you advice and strategies.

This .

have steps to improve yourself, one of which is to get rid of the nasty partner.

Leave.

I doubt you are as smelly as they say. Take more regular showers and make sure you are wearing clean clothes and have fresh bedding/towels.

OP have you tried different tooth pastes? Oranurse doesn’t have a flavour and doesn’t foam.

I'd get rid of the husband, for sure.
However please could I make the point that many people with autism are actually fastidious in matters of hygiene. My son spends ages showering, cleaning his teeth etc. He can't bear sweat, the smell of sweat or bodily fluids. He seems to be like a bloodhound when it comes to odours.

I’m autistic and one of the things I can’t stand is bad smelling people (and bad smells in general). I have a visceral reaction to it and can’t be around smelly people as a result. I am always clean and cannot stand to be dirty.

I really think you need to focus more on your personal hygiene.

I don’t know if it will help, or whether you have already considered this, but a friend’s son hates the foaming sensation of toothpaste so they have bought something for him that doesn’t foam so much (or at all?) and doesn’t have a strong mint taste. It made a massive difference.

Are you washing your clothes regularly? That can make a big difference too.

Your partner is horrible. But if you don't bathe on a daily basis at least once and brush teeth/floss twice then you probably will be smelly.
I'd say making sure you shower for at least 5 minutes, scrub well with a loofah, and wear decent deodorant you'll feel more confident.
But I'd say your relationship is beyond saving. You should probably split up. Keep yourself clean for you and your loved ones. Your partner is not a loved one. Not any more at least.
If you do have excessive sweating you can see the GP. There is also medicine that helps you not pee in the night. I hope things improve for you.

A caring partner would you down and say they were having difficulty with the smell and how could they help you solve it together? Not abusing you and shunning you.

I agree with pps who suggest asking someone else who you trust to be honest about it to properly assess how much of a problem it is, if indeed it is at all.

I agree with this ! x

So sorry that you are in a relationship with a full on abusive twat. It seems to me like he is using you as a verbal punch bag and is eroding your self esteem as he goes. If I was in your shoes I'd be filing for divorce asap because you deserve way better than this abusive arsehole 💐

Regardless of what you smell like, your OH is making you miserable and it’s not worth living the rest of your life unhappy.

I have answered the question about my hygiene above. In short, it is far from perfect, for reasons I have tried to explain, but I am trying, and I don't even know if I really do smell, only that my partner insists that I smell so much it is repulsive.

Leave.

This sounds like utter hell.

Get out while you still can.

If you are having a good soapy and bath or shower daily, it's unlikely you smell.

Can you genuinely not see that your partner is abusive?

You really, really need to end this relationship.