Smelly and toxic

[largelyinnocent]

My OH says that I smell unpleasant, and that I have no self-respect, that I disgust them, and so on. They call me a 'disgusting pig' in front of our son, and they say the same things to him too - that he smells bad. My son and I are both autistic, with issues around self-care, so, likely, we are not as fresh-smelling or clean as other people, I am not sure. We try our best.

As a result, I have become paranoid about this and no longer like meeting people since I am aware that I smell, even if I can't smell it myself. I have a weakened bladder due to recent bladder cancer and I am worried that perhaps this contributes to making me smell too, even though I am not aware of it. Because I smell so bad, my partner has refused to sleep with me now for over five years. They say that they would consider having a romantic relationship with me if I stopped smelling so bad, but I can't seem to become good enough.

I do try to keep clean and fresh, but my OH says that even if I have had a bath they are still repulsed by me because I 'obviously' have no self-respect, and that disgusts them as much as the smell, so having a bath in itself doesn't make me clean in their eyes. I am now retired, so I don't meet people socially or in public often, but when I do I am now self-conscious and I think everyone is aware of how I smell.

Yesterday I heard that my violent and abusive step-father died, and I spoke about on Facebook about how I felt about it. I hid it from family members because I didn't want to cause trouble for them. I also hid it from my OH because I thought they would be unsympathetic. But they discovered what I had said about my stepfather (all bad!) through another person and are now saying I am toxic because I didn't share my thoughts with them on Facebook, and that I shouldn't hide things from them.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I am not being treated fairly? It doesn't seem toxic to me to want to deal with a death in my family in my own way. The thing with my stepfather on top of the smell business and my loneliness make me wonder if I should get a divorce and end the relationship, but I am not sure if they haven't got a point. I am now retired and don't have many friends, so I am frightened of losing the little family I have, but at the same time I don't want to spend my final years with someone who finds me so repulsive and makes me so ashamed of myself.

You’re being abused. Your son is being abused. If you have issues with self care it’s probably because you have a pig telling abusing you daily

Your post makes me so sad. You don’t smell, you live with a toxic man who is the same as your stepfather. Look up daughters of narcissists, how they behave, the men they go for. Do not waste any more time. Dump this man and take everything you can from him.

Leave him today and start living. Even after bladder cancer the man keeps going. I’m not even going to say what I wish upon such a filth of a person

Male or female, the person you’re with is bad news. Even if you had depression and hygiene dropped (understandable from being with an abuser) it’s still not normal for your partner to do this to you. This will never be normal.

I bet you don’t even smell. First, you need to tell someone who cares about you what’s happening. Ask for their honest opinion on your hygiene, tell them why they need to be brutally honest.

You’ll see that this person you’re with is just bad. Evil narcissist or other personality disorder most likely.

The true tell is that they do it to both of you. Unless you never wash, that’s pure hatred, they’re projecting their own self hatred and resentment to you.

Your DP is highly abusive. You probably didn't notice at first as you had an abusive step father and so abusive relationships can seem normal. He is undermining your confidence. Have a quick shower every day. Apply deodorant. Change your clothes and wash them. You are fine. He is an abusive bastard. I hope you are in a position to leave him. I think your life would improve massively.

I’d imagine having autism, bladder cancer and a ‘partner’ who kicks them every moment relentlessly for years has something to do it. It’s now become an issue (what a cruel bastard that person is)

OP, get out of there. You will find your hygiene improve naturally when you aren’t being abused. It sounds like depression (very normal)

The OP has said he doesn't shower or wash regularly. I have an ND child (now adult) and personal hygiene/self care can he really difficult and easy to just completely forget. He also smelt badly. He's a lot better now but I do still, on occasion, have to remind him when he visits.

I can understand you want to be compassionate but why would you tell him that he doesn't smell when the conditions and behaviours he describes almost certainly mean that he does?

The natural conclusion of him being repulsed by you is seeking sexual gratification elsewhere!

Why are you staying with someone who cares not one bit about you and is putting the boot in and abusing you?

Your child will quickly learn to do the same and over time you will become a nervous wreck.

Stand tall and tell this nasty little man that you are ending the relationship as you don't want to be with anyone who is repulsed by you.

He watch him squirm as he's obviously staying with you for a reason even if it's just some sick and twisted reason that he feels an element of power by bullying you.

You will find your hygiene improve naturally when you aren’t being abused. It sounds like depression (very normal)

In ND people, it's usually a sensory issue or an executive function issue.

He says he's always had an issue with personal hygiene. His partner should be more supportive but pretending that he doesn't have an issue or that dumping his wife will miraculously cure the executive function/sensory issues is a bit far fetched.

It's also natural to be put off by some else's poor personal hygiene. It's primal.

This has been going on for a long time. I agree the relationship has broken down but I don't think it's because one person is an abuser. I think a series of events and circumstances has led them to where they are now.

The OP is male. The OH is female.

Missing brushing their teeth and a shower every other day (which is what I picked up from it) would never equal someone smelling so bad that a person is allowed to abuse them and their child.

Even if a person was in such a sorry state (homeless, no bathing) it still would never excuse cruelty. I don’t know how bad it is, but the partner is sick. I want OP to know it’s very normal to suffer depression whilst being abused. If there is an issue, it can be fixed when the real hygiene problem (the partner) is removed

Don’t agree. Yes it’s normal for a partner to need hygiene but this is abusive. If it’s such a problem, you leave, you don’t wear someone’s self esteem down to the point that they are obsessing about it and don’t even know whether they smell!

Tell me, does the child deserve it too?

The hygiene issue has always been there. It predated the partner. He said he's always been the same.

He's autistic. It will always be there.

He didn't say he missed a shower every other day. People don't smell from showering every other day under normal circumstances.

My son showered every few days at home but didn't do it properly, so he still wasn't clean and still smelt. He would brush his teeth but they were still dirty. I still had to go in the bathroom and wash his hair for him when he was 13 because he couldn't actually do it himself. I don't know how he managed it but he'd come out and his hair would be wet, he still had shampoo in parts of it, and it still smelt greasy. The only way he could brush his teeth properly was to use disclosing tablets every time he brushed and brush until the purple had all gone. The OP could shower every day, and still not be clean if it's not done properly.

Of course there is no excuse for unkindness and cruelty but telling him he doesn't smell, and offering meanngless platitudes and empty reassurances won't help either.

Yes, it has become abusive but that doesn't mean it always was or that that is the underlying reason for the problem.

@ByBusyTiger The bad hygiene isn't caused by the partner or the situation. It is caused by the OP not wanting to wash because of his autism/sensory issues. He's not going to start washing more if he leaves his partner. It will be the opposite. He only washes as much as he does now because he's being coerced into it. You aren't doing him any favours by telling him that his bad hygiene is not his fault. Their son is following in his father's footsteps. His mother likely faces a daily battle to try get him to wash. Can you imagine how exasperating and frustrating it must be to face that with no support from your partner because he is exactly the same? I'm sure there are many reasons why she hasn't left. A big one will be the child with significant needs.

I very much doubt what he says is true,it's his way of trying to control you and shatter any confidence you have left it's a classic sign of a narcissist bully.

Hope you can get out of this situation you deserve so much better.

Exactly this.