Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

[BrazyTwinsMA]

I have 2 DC, twins who are 16. DS and I are very similar, homebodies, love to cook, garden, read. DS loves music, plays piano and he's really into history and so am I.
DD is the polar opposite, she loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics. Hates being at home, loves trying new things, she plays a little piano but gave up to learn the drums. I'm very risk averse while my Ex partner and kids dad has taken DD to do all sorts, wake surfing, actual surfing what have you. DD has broke more bones and had more injuries than I can count. Shes good at maths and languages but history is nightmare to her.
Now I love both my children equally but I do not know what to talk to DD about anymore. School is always fine, her sports are always fine. She prefers her dad taking her to meets or completions as "he knows what he's looking at",
DS and I discuss recipes, in the summer I took DS on holiday and my ex took DD as DD wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics. DS and I had a very chill week all inclusive then went to Rome for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
The kids are meant to stay with us 1 week off and 1 week on, Sunday-Sunday. Sunday just gone DD came late as she wanted to watch F1 with her dad and when she arrived I felt like she was talking another language, with "stupid penalty this and Pierre underrated that". Last night she went to her dads as her team were playing in football and she wanted to watch with him. I told her to stay and I'd watch with her but she joked I'd have no idea what I was watching so no point.
Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE and tbh I'm useless at them all so can't help. DS is doing Classics, History, English Lit and Music so I feel like we can talk more about his studies.

How do I bond with DD? I feel like she's slipping away. We don't like the same music, no common interests and she just closes me out. She no longer even tells me if she has a tennis competition or whatever it's breaking my heart. Equally when she starts talking about how this tennis player has unreliable first serve but when it's in has one of the highest points behind first serve of any player (yep had to check my messages to get that right) I feel like she may as well be talking in French!

AIBU to find it hard to take an interest in these things? What do I do?

You seem to have a very entrenched view of yourself as ‘rubbish at X’ or ‘ignorant about Y’, which seems to be rubbing off on your DD, who has designated her other parent as the knowledgeable one about ‘her stuff’. You can learn tennis and tennis language just as you can learn French. Make an effort! Ask her to explain a tennis match. Read a French novel from her course in translation.

If she's 16 and been doing these kind of activities for years, I don't really understand how you can be so clueless about them.

How's your relationship with her Dad? Can you go to competitions together to support her? Me and ex do this for DS's sports. He loves it.

Yes YABU

what you need to do is try harder with her

@BrazyTwinsMA - you’re not unreasonable in finding it hard to take an interest but I think you need to take an interest regardless. The fact these things are important to your DD makes them important. The fact that you have natural shared interests with your other child is going to make her feel excluded - it sounds like it already has and this is why she’s shutting you out. Learn a bit about football and/or tennis. The comments she made are not particularly technical or hard to understand. Perhaps you could ask her to explain them to you or at least show that you’re trying to educate yourself.

You like music and English lit - that suggests you like drama. Well, sport is a form of drama - that’s why sports fans get so engaged. It’s not just the technical skill. It’s the drama and excitement of the contest. Things that seem fair. Things that seem unfair. Good luck and bad luck. There’s so much to any sport. Throw yourself into it.

Let her know that you may not know all the technicalities, but you still enjoy watching her play tennis. And enjoy seeing the videos of the wakeboarding etc (even if they actually terrify you!). Or the football... ask if the team did well, or whether it was a good match to watch.

I think you’re all being a little harsh here she clearly lives her daughter but this is an issue that’s been built up over time.

There must be something you can enjoy together? But if there really isn’t then I agree you need to ask her to teach you about something. The amount I have to listen to about football I’m surprised I’m not married to Messi, I hate it but I do it and feign interest because I love my son.

DH has never stepped on a gym mat in his life. But has he learned the names of the moves and the scoring and supported DD with her comps and training in gymnastics. Absolutely.
Do I follow football. No. Do I watch DSC and join in with family games and fantasy league. Again absolutely.
because we aren’t raising carbon copies of us. We have children who’s interests and passions we encourage and follow even if they are worlds away from ours.

Are you as worried that your son has an equally difficult relationship with his dad?

What sticks out to me is that you feel you can only communicate about hobbies and interests. What about funny things that happened day to day, what’s going on in the news, chatting about plans for the future, talking about things you were doing while she was gone, laughing about people that were rude in the supermarket, weird things the cat did, etc. Just chat.

Thanks I know what everyone means about learning. I have tried and I get the basics of F1/Tennis/Football, I can watch and vaguely know what's going on. My ex wasn't massively into any of these pre-DD (he's a rugby man and frankly hated football until DD took an interest). It just seems to come more naturally to him. When they were younger we split it so he'd take her to tennis and I'd take DS to rehearsals or piano lessons etc. It just seems to have stuck. Maybe I need to get a "dummy's guide to" so I can engage a bit more!

Also the holiday thing, I'm no surfer believe me but if DS wants to do it, I pull on a wetsuit and get involved. Failing that, relax on the beach with cider and a pasty while he does. I think that you could have had an awesome time chilling by Lake Geneva with DS and DD for a few days before the two of you popped down to Italy and she went to the Olympics.

I think you have to find some common ground with her and be a little less self centred, and realise you are the adult and parent here and need to be the bigger person.

DD2 (15) really loves watching the Sidemen videos on YouTube and yabbering on about what they are up to. It's definitely not my thing but some of it is quite funny and I have watched a bit with her, and allowed her to go on about it to me up to a point. She at the same time listens to my gardening/plant lady yabbering politely. We bond over lots of things, our pets, cute animal videos, shopping, Christmas movies...

Well to be honest it’s late to be starting now but what you should have done is made the effort to learn a lot more about the things she’s interested in so that you could have a conversation about them and show an interest in her passions.

Better late than never, so start doing your research and asking her questions about it and engaging in the things she cares about.

I would see this as an opportunity to broaden your horizons a bit. You sound quite set in your ways, maybe its good that one of your DC is pushing you to learn about different things. I think basically any topic can be interesting, you just need to find your way in. E.g. maybe you'd enjoy reading an autobiography by an interesting figure in one of her sports.

Why are you very risk averse? Is it a mental health issue?

At her age she might roll her eyes a bit at your attempts to understand stuff, but I think she'd probably appreciate it underneath.

You need to learn sorry to be frank. All our DC got into football, I was clueless but by showing up on the sidelines, asking questions and showing an interest I've learned to understand and even enjoy it. No one is born knowing these things, DH knows eff all about art but still takes DD to galleries and classes and asks questions to learn.

Seems like you don't want to learn and your child knows it

Not really, DS and my ex have common interests too, both really into politics and so is DD somewhat. My parents live with us and I don't have the same political view as my children. During the election (UK, we agreed on the US one), politics talk was banned as my parents can't have a sensible conversion, without it descending into an argument!!

It's not her job to only be interested in the things that you are interested in, it is your job to take an interest in what she is doing.

Most parents tend to get behind whatever their children are in to. My daughter swam for club a few years ago, did ballet including pointe to 16yrs and has always massively been into horses. My Son competes in Jiu Jitsu. Yes of course there are days where I would rather stick pins in my eyes, they have both sustained injuries but mainly I'm really proud there out there and enjoying themselves.

As for school, your DD is working towards really hard A Levels, how can you not be proud of her for that, how can you not want to talk to her about school? My daughter is also studying subjects I didn't do so can't help but love to here about her day and parents evening is always amazing.

What do I do?

Make an effort?

You can learn new things! I didn't have a clue about Minecraft, martial arts, or any of the other things my DS loved, but I made damn sure to learn about them so we could talk.

Tennis, formula 1, football, the rules are pretty simple. Stop getting in your own way and broaden yourself to meet your daughter halfway. I'm

Good point!!

You have a favourite child. You've made it obvious and now your other is pulling away, you seem surprised?

She's clearly noticed you prefer doing stuff with her brother so she's given up on you. It doesn't really matter that these things don't come naturally to you, make an effort. Watch a sport with her, watch a French movie, ask her GENUINELY about what they're doing in Bio (it's a fascinating subject), hell even go on a day trip to Paris. Or do something she likes that's not necessarily school related. But after what sounds like years of favouring the other kid, don't expect her to suddenly come bounding towards you full of gratitude you noticed her. She'll probably be pretty wary of you turning away and towards your son again.

It is really hard. My DS is really into maths and talks about algebra and stuff. I really try, but can't follow half of it!

I think at least with sports you can go to watch and be impressed, go on some trips to places where sports and historical sites can both be enjoyed. A few small things will go a long way.

My mum always said she didn’t understand my interests but dad did so she left it to him. He died young and it turned out we did have interests in common. She just fell into the default pattern of I was my dad’s girl.
you can do this, also does your DS feel he is missing out on a relationship with his dad?

Do all your friends share the same hobbies as you or studied the same subjects? I think it's possible to be close to people who are different, if you have the same core values eg fairness, kindness, etc. It's just about finding some common ground. You might be a homeboy but surely you can go out for some sort of activity with her. Eg youre on holiday in wales, she comes to a lovely waterfal walk with you and on the way back you stop at a giant zipline.

I think you need to focus on and build on similarities and take her to things even when you don't have any natural interest. If you've got a good relationship with your ex you could discuss with him as well - it sounds like both him and your son may benefit from spending more time together centred around your sons interests as well.

I have some sympathy. My kids both love gaming and it leaves me cold. My DH likes it so I tell them that's their thing together but I do my best to have interest in other hobbies of theirs. I take them to most clubs.

Why don't you ask your DD if you could come watch her next competition as you would like to see how she gets on.
Or buy tickets to a game of the club she supports and have a day out together (could include lunch, shops or some common ground too)
Or choose a new sport/activity that neither of you know and make it your thing.

I wonder if you have to approach it in a way a bit formally - 20 minutes conversation spent with DS, then it’s DD’s turn . I know it doesn’t work like this but it sounds as it’s easier for you to talk with DS so you’re spending more time going this. The same with holidays - 3 days doing DS’s thing then 3 days doing DD’s thing.
Also you have to acknowledge your past mistakes to DD as she is 16 and was witnessing your attitude for quite a while. So you should openly say that you feel sorry for being so narrow minded and close to learning about new things, you want to change that. But only if you mean it of course.