Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

[BrazyTwinsMA]

I have 2 DC, twins who are 16. DS and I are very similar, homebodies, love to cook, garden, read. DS loves music, plays piano and he's really into history and so am I.
DD is the polar opposite, she loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics. Hates being at home, loves trying new things, she plays a little piano but gave up to learn the drums. I'm very risk averse while my Ex partner and kids dad has taken DD to do all sorts, wake surfing, actual surfing what have you. DD has broke more bones and had more injuries than I can count. Shes good at maths and languages but history is nightmare to her.
Now I love both my children equally but I do not know what to talk to DD about anymore. School is always fine, her sports are always fine. She prefers her dad taking her to meets or completions as "he knows what he's looking at",
DS and I discuss recipes, in the summer I took DS on holiday and my ex took DD as DD wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics. DS and I had a very chill week all inclusive then went to Rome for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
The kids are meant to stay with us 1 week off and 1 week on, Sunday-Sunday. Sunday just gone DD came late as she wanted to watch F1 with her dad and when she arrived I felt like she was talking another language, with "stupid penalty this and Pierre underrated that". Last night she went to her dads as her team were playing in football and she wanted to watch with him. I told her to stay and I'd watch with her but she joked I'd have no idea what I was watching so no point.
Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE and tbh I'm useless at them all so can't help. DS is doing Classics, History, English Lit and Music so I feel like we can talk more about his studies.

How do I bond with DD? I feel like she's slipping away. We don't like the same music, no common interests and she just closes me out. She no longer even tells me if she has a tennis competition or whatever it's breaking my heart. Equally when she starts talking about how this tennis player has unreliable first serve but when it's in has one of the highest points behind first serve of any player (yep had to check my messages to get that right) I feel like she may as well be talking in French!

AIBU to find it hard to take an interest in these things? What do I do?

I think you need to try harder with DD - she's obviously picked up on the fact that you seem to prefer DS...

I do have sympathy though - DD has activities she does with DH which I have no interest in, and don't pretend to. We do however have 'our thing' and I think I have leaned into the horse riding enough to warrant not learning about other interests. FWIW, I did used to think there could be nothing worse than being outside with a half ton animal, but DD loves it, so now I am there every day, rain or shine. And to be honest I am pretty proud of the fact that at my old age I have embraced a whole new world, and DD was initially proud of me stepping outside my comfort zone (initially, not now!). You might surprise yourself if you embrace her interests.

Send her to me. I love F1 and play drums and nobody in my family gives a shit, in fact I get eye rolls.

In all seriousness I think just be really really open to hanging out and chatting about things. Follow the news on F1, ask her about what fills she's learning on the drums etc.

I don't know what more kids want than an engaged and interested parent really.

I don’t think you necessarily need to study sports, just be interested in what she’s doing and what she has to say. Even when they’re little and are constantly saying “look at this”, “watch this”, you say things like “Wow! Well done, that was an amazing star shape!”

She sound great - I think we'd get on! I think you need to make a concerted effort to engage her with what she finds fun (or find SOME middle ground). She'll appreciate it - why not take her for a day trip to the F1 Arcade in London/Birmingham or the exhibition in London if you're near enough, ask her questions about it! Even if she knows you're doing it to please her, the fact that you're trying will feel good to her. Follow some instagram accounts (if you have it) relating to her interests, forward her some reels or posts, just show an interest in the things she likes - it seems as though she's picked up on the fact that you feel disconnected and not into the things she likes, and it's making her think it's not worth telling you. As the adult, it's your job to suck it up even if these things aren't things you care about.

Agree with everyone else.

My daughter is really into horse riding (absolutely no idea how I got roped into this one 🙈). I have only been on a horse once as a child and I fell off and broke my arm in my very first lesson, so my knowledge of horses was exactly zero. But because my daughter is so into it, I made the effort to educate myself and now we have 2 horses and I wake up at 5am on weekends to drive a horsebox to competitions all over the UK 🥶 and read BS rules in my free time 🥴

Start taking an interest in your daughter's hobbies.

It's pretty obvious isn't it? If you want to be able to chat to her you need to watch some of these sports so you know what she's talking about with penalties and Pierre whoever.

You should also go to some of her matches/competitions. If you don't get on with your ex, you don't need to be near him. Just watch her and cheer for her and talk enthusiastically about the game afterwards.

I don't know but I seem to develop an interest in things the people I love/ like. I enjoy learning new things. I might not end up pursuing those interests personally, but I would still want to know about the things that make those close to me tick. I'd find it dull if everyone I spent time with shared my interests exactly.

If it doesn't come naturally to you, you really have to make the effort.

I find it quite odd how you place so much emphasis on hobbies as the basis for communication with your children. My DD’s and I share some hobbies but I would say that we spend the bare minimum amount of time talking about them.
Like another poster has said, we just talk about life. What thoughts pop into our head, funny stories etc, observations. You sound quite forced, as though you can’t just relax and let it flow?

You do need to have a go. Maybe not at all her hobbies but pick one or two.

From the list you give surely French you can show an interest in? French films, food, culture, fashion, literature, trip to Paris?

Sports wise I'd go for tennis. Doesn't go on for too long, easy to pick up what is going on as a non player and if all else fails the men look hot in their shorts.

DH is in to football which I thought I'd never cope with. However it turns out that although I'll never understand the offside rule, I can shout about needing a substitute and the ref being blind just as well as he can.

And when it's dull, well at least it's fit guys in shorts 🤣

@BrazyTwinsMA you seem to have swerved her hobbies for years now so I think it is too late!! that door has closed!

You don't have to share your child's hobbies to get along with them. She isn't 'slipping away' because she likes watching football with her dad. She's a normal teenager who doesn't need you being involved in every area of her life. Honestly, I would much rather watch football with someone who knew about and was enjoying football than someone who was only sitting there watching it with me to be polite.

Pretty sure if the situation was reversed, and your son was the sporty one, you wouldn't be worried about this and you would accept that he wasn't into the same things as you.

I understand that you mean well and that you want to support your daughter and so on, but provided you're kind and supportive and indulgent about her hobbies, and don't make her feel that you're disappointed in her for not sharing your interests, you really don't have to join in.

When I was a teenager I didn't expect my parents to be interested in my hobbies at all, to be honest. I was obsessed with horror films and goth/metal music. My parents were brilliant and happily bought me all the gothic fiction and books on the history of horror cinema and Hammer Horror VHS tapes and black clothing that I put on my Christmas list every year; they would give me and my friends lifts to gigs and what have you and tell me I looked great in my goth clothes and whatever. That was all that was necessary. They didn't have to understand it or be interested in my hobbies, simply to accept them and not make me feel weird for them. That's all you need to do with your daughter too.

@XelaM I feel your pain - your life sounds very much like mine apart from competing!

And we are only at the very start of winter !

@XelaM my DM put up with vast quantities of horse talk from me as a child, despite her being scared of horses.

She must have been bored witless but she managed to fake it very well!

My sons both play sport at a high level and I have no interest in rugby or cricket but I am there week in/week out supporting them and taxiing them because I am interested in my sons. I say to them I’m not a cricket fan but I am a DS fan. It also helps when they change teams etc as I’m not emotionally attached and can just follow their lead.

You fake it till you make it because she's your child and you have to take an interest in her. I think most parents have kids whose hobbies aren't stuff they know much about - DD1 is Pokemon mad so my Pokemon knowledge has increased exponentially as a result! Would I choose to do it? No, but it's important to her and that makes it important to me. So I have always shown interest, asked her to explain things to me, gone and looked things up that I don't understand, etc.

F1 is something where you could watch a few races together and have a much greater understanding or read some stuff on Wikipedia or just ask your daughter to explain some stuff to you. Instead of 'I've no idea what that means' try 'Oh does that mean X?' Or 'Could you explain that to me?' My husband is a massive F1 fan and I knew nothing about it, but I've picked up a lot because I'm interested in him and what he enjoys, same as he has picked up a lot of stuff about my hobbies.

You need to create common interests when they don't exist, but you've failed to do this over a long period of time because your son has naturally got interests that you already have and that require no work from you to show interest in.

I think that can easily happen with twins. I know a friend of mine who had to consciously put more effort into bonding as an older baby with one of her twins, as it had just fallen into a habit that she spent more time with one and her DH with the other in the small baby stage, which meant that baby tended to ‘prefer’ that parent, and they absolutely both had to work on improving bonding with the other. I think you’re looking at a teenage version of the same thing. It’s rectifiable, though.

And this stuck out to me:

'for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
'

You know nothing about what she was doing or even the name of the sport she was doing, because you've never bothered to find out. So all her achievements are opaque to you, 'random tricks', 'of some sort'.

I agree with all of this. Pp have been a bit harsh I think, implying that you haven't bothered and that your ds is your favourite. You could pick one of her interests and learn a bit about the basic rules and stuff as a starting point, but the main thing is show an interest in her and her life, love her unconditionally, and always be there for her.

Hmm it's a tricky one. Maybe because you have 2 very different children of the same age you find it more noticeable. I have 2 boys both of different ages and they're into sports that I've never really been that interested in, but I'm interested in them so I go along and I've never found it particularly hard to chat to them about it or say "you looked great out there"

Do you think that it's possible that you've allowed yourself to opt out a bit if your DDs interests because you had your son right there who wants to do the same things as you and it seemed easy enough for her dad to take her along ?

Do you also think it might be possible that you're put off by her activities because they remind you too much of your ex ?

It’s on you to take an interest in her and her interests, even if it means you fake it initially. Surely you can compromise and take an interest in her competitions etc? can you not still be her ‘cheerleader’ even if you find the sport dull?

I have a family member whose dad took no interest in his interests growing up.
They are very different people but are not close as adults.

It will be sadly really clear that you have a prefered child.

I have two kids. One has interests closely aligned to mine. But I've spent endless hours learning about the intricacies of a sport I'd barely even heard of for my other child. Standing outside in the rain isn't nice but seeing my child's progress is absolutely work it.

You don’t take an interest in the hobbies themselves, you take an interest in your DD. How is she doing? What is her team like, what is she hoping for, can she study somewhere where she can continue without these, what’s she aiming for? How can you help her? What does she find easy and what is sh3 working on? Most parents who watch their children do gymnastics, some random sport, or art or theatre aren’t there because they’re interested in those subjects but because it’s their children doing them.

Could you take up a volunteer role in one of her hobbies? You could be a first aider or team secretary. This way you are there and contributing but have your own focus to help with the day.

It’s obvious that you prefer one child. Do better.

I have a DS of similar age. His interests are similar to your DD's, but I learned many years ago that I needed to make an effort to meet him somewhere in the middle between his world and mine. By the time he was 3, I could give you the make and model of any tractor we saws. In junior school, I went from 'WTF is a Pokemon?' to scouring the local parks with him for a Pikachu and taking 'his' phone (my friend's ancient one that only had Pokemon Go on it) round all the Pokestops on the school run, even though I had to secretly join a friendly Pokemon Go FB group to find out what the hell I was doing. Now that he's 17, I can have a fairly convincing conversation about F1, NASCAR or touring cars, and I've gone from being terrified of seeing him doing anything dangerous to cheering him on in go-karts. It's been a case of 'Fake it till you make it' but it's made a huge difference to our relationship.