Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

[BrazyTwinsMA]

I have 2 DC, twins who are 16. DS and I are very similar, homebodies, love to cook, garden, read. DS loves music, plays piano and he's really into history and so am I.
DD is the polar opposite, she loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics. Hates being at home, loves trying new things, she plays a little piano but gave up to learn the drums. I'm very risk averse while my Ex partner and kids dad has taken DD to do all sorts, wake surfing, actual surfing what have you. DD has broke more bones and had more injuries than I can count. Shes good at maths and languages but history is nightmare to her.
Now I love both my children equally but I do not know what to talk to DD about anymore. School is always fine, her sports are always fine. She prefers her dad taking her to meets or completions as "he knows what he's looking at",
DS and I discuss recipes, in the summer I took DS on holiday and my ex took DD as DD wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics. DS and I had a very chill week all inclusive then went to Rome for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
The kids are meant to stay with us 1 week off and 1 week on, Sunday-Sunday. Sunday just gone DD came late as she wanted to watch F1 with her dad and when she arrived I felt like she was talking another language, with "stupid penalty this and Pierre underrated that". Last night she went to her dads as her team were playing in football and she wanted to watch with him. I told her to stay and I'd watch with her but she joked I'd have no idea what I was watching so no point.
Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE and tbh I'm useless at them all so can't help. DS is doing Classics, History, English Lit and Music so I feel like we can talk more about his studies.

How do I bond with DD? I feel like she's slipping away. We don't like the same music, no common interests and she just closes me out. She no longer even tells me if she has a tennis competition or whatever it's breaking my heart. Equally when she starts talking about how this tennis player has unreliable first serve but when it's in has one of the highest points behind first serve of any player (yep had to check my messages to get that right) I feel like she may as well be talking in French!

AIBU to find it hard to take an interest in these things? What do I do?

when i first started watching F1 in the 90s, my folks would read snippets from the newspapers so they could have a surface level conversation about it with me

maybe you should do the same for the start of next season have a basic knowledge at least so you can fake an interest

Did you see that ludicrous display last night?

I had this with my DS a few years ago. He got very into a sport (watching and playing) that I knew nothing about. For a while we muddled along with other interests in common and then I remember realising that if I didn’t make an effort we would not have very much to talk about as this sport became a bigger and bigger part of his life. So I did start to listen more, found out about the (complicated!) rules of said sport, went to matches etc etc. I now quite enjoy it. I guess it depends how much you feel this matters to DD - if it is going to be an enduring or significant part of her life it’s worth making the effort in my view.

I have strong views about this as I grew up with parents who had a very particular view about what activities were worthwhile - mine were not. I really wanted not to be as snobby about DS’s interests as they were about mine. I appreciate that is not you’re saying here - but the end result is similar, having different interests that neither of you can really engage with.

I don't think you have to know much, just to show up

My hobby was horses. Nobody else in the family is horsey, there was lots of mutterings about "no idea where it came from"

My parents didn't have a clue but they took me to lessons, asked how it went, listened to me going on, bought me horse magazines, took me to various performances of stuff and put up with me hogging the TV for stuff. Dad got quite into cross country on TV!
If we went on holiday they would always arrange something horse related for me

My dad has learned enough to put a rug on, lead a horse, be instructed to "hold this" but I found he was happy being involved fixing things so even now I will ask him to fix something and then say "come give horse an apple while you're here"

I don’t think this is about your dd at all- I think it’s about your ex. Your dd is just collateral damage in the unresolved frustration you feel towards her dad.

There’s no reason otherwise that you’d be so passive and literal about the situation otherwise- no one solely bonds with their child over their interests and a-levels.

My ds as a teen spent a lot of time with his dad doing hobbies etc. although ds hated football much to exs disappointment as he played for a local town team in his youth. They went and did water sports, motorsports etc.

he was also into gaming which I hated tbh although I did try.

but we bonded over other things, talked a lot about the most random shit, laughed at really daft things and one night after a particularly rough time in his early teens (he was a troubled teen) it snowed thick and fast so at midnight we cracked out the sledges and spent a very happy hour sledging very fast down our steep hill just me and him. It’s one of my most happiest memories and his.

you do have to make the effort and step out of your comfort zone even if it really isn’t your thing.

standing on a freezing cold pitch in the depths of winter watching my dd3 play football isn’t my idea of fun and is tbh out of comfort zone but I’ve done it every week for the past six years. I haven’t got a clue about football but I do try

I wouldn't particularly feel the need to share interests and hobbies at 16. Your kids are moving into adulthood; it's different from when they were little and you would learn together if they started a new hobby that you didn't know much about. My parents don't know anything about my hobbies nor I theirs, we are able to have perfectly good relationships and conversations without them having knowledge of how I spend my time.

What you ask and talk about are the non-hobby-specific things - how are you feeling about the game, was your coach in a good mood again like last week, how's that issue with the girl who did X, how's your wrist after that injury.
Similarly with A levels - are you managing with workload, what do you think of your teacher ...
I never talk to mine about their actual subjects, I think that expectation is a bit odd. I'd offer DD a party at home so you can get to know her friends and see and understand the dynamics, if you don't already.

Be careful of pigeon holing and stereotyping. Your DC are as you describe right now, for now. DS needs to know he can sack off the art gallery and go on a sports sabbatical, DD needs to know she's a whole person with lots of dimensions and her identity isn't only extreme sports. Especially be careful of identifying your kids as 'like me' or 'like their dad' . They're complex, multi dimensional individuals who are changing and will continue to change a lot, and they need room to do that without feeling that it would change their relationship with or opinion of their parent.
If you're on good terms with their dad, can you talk to him to say you sense a bit of unbalance and can you tackle that together in 2025 by making sure he does stuff with DS and you with DD?

I know!! She sounds fucking awesome and so many people would be so thankful to have such a talented, energetic, smart kid!

@OnyourbarksGSG oh that is amazing!! I bet you can't wait to tell her and see her face! There will be happy tears no doubt, what a fabulous present. When are you telling her - christmas? I'd find it hard to keep a secret like that until next year!

Yes, she’s opening presents at home with me and her dad and then we are going to nan and grandads where I will have “forgotten” to pick up a present as some of them have been delivered there. I’ve got her the full puma/Ferrari/ June Ambrose clothing setup and a pair of very fancy trainers she’s been lusting after, Along with a golden ticket presentation type thing. She’s had a very tough few years and came incredibly close to failing her GCSEs ( she totally failed her mocks) and was saved by a last minute ADHD diagnosis and medication. She did a total 180 and passed every GCSE so she really deserves this. I’m happy to engage and encourage her dreams 100%. I must be happy as I’ve got to spend 4-5 nights in a bell tent with my step dad now 🙀