Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

[BrazyTwinsMA]

I have 2 DC, twins who are 16. DS and I are very similar, homebodies, love to cook, garden, read. DS loves music, plays piano and he's really into history and so am I.
DD is the polar opposite, she loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics. Hates being at home, loves trying new things, she plays a little piano but gave up to learn the drums. I'm very risk averse while my Ex partner and kids dad has taken DD to do all sorts, wake surfing, actual surfing what have you. DD has broke more bones and had more injuries than I can count. Shes good at maths and languages but history is nightmare to her.
Now I love both my children equally but I do not know what to talk to DD about anymore. School is always fine, her sports are always fine. She prefers her dad taking her to meets or completions as "he knows what he's looking at",
DS and I discuss recipes, in the summer I took DS on holiday and my ex took DD as DD wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics. DS and I had a very chill week all inclusive then went to Rome for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
The kids are meant to stay with us 1 week off and 1 week on, Sunday-Sunday. Sunday just gone DD came late as she wanted to watch F1 with her dad and when she arrived I felt like she was talking another language, with "stupid penalty this and Pierre underrated that". Last night she went to her dads as her team were playing in football and she wanted to watch with him. I told her to stay and I'd watch with her but she joked I'd have no idea what I was watching so no point.
Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE and tbh I'm useless at them all so can't help. DS is doing Classics, History, English Lit and Music so I feel like we can talk more about his studies.

How do I bond with DD? I feel like she's slipping away. We don't like the same music, no common interests and she just closes me out. She no longer even tells me if she has a tennis competition or whatever it's breaking my heart. Equally when she starts talking about how this tennis player has unreliable first serve but when it's in has one of the highest points behind first serve of any player (yep had to check my messages to get that right) I feel like she may as well be talking in French!

AIBU to find it hard to take an interest in these things? What do I do?

Topics that interest my DD: Gaming, Korean Pop, Ice Hockey, Pictures of cute animals, Moo Deng etc etc

I have no interest in these things …. However, I know lots about them all, as it’s how I bond with her. A few “ooos” and “ahhs” and some well placed questions work wonders.

I think you and ex have created a dynamic now, not really a healthy one. I would try and take her to competitions. Why does it have to be him? Why can't he bond with his son whilst you take her? It's going to take him getting on board with that.

Also a PP suggested reading her French text in translation. She will also be doing a film. Watch it together. There's a lot of art and culture in a language. Take her to Paris for her birthday if you have funds.

Also, be aware when you and DS are leaving her out. Sometimes my whole family start talking physics/ Maths and I feel really left out. If that's happens a lot with her then it's not surprising she pushed away. Have some conversations about her interests and hopefully DS will become a bit more 'expert' on them too.

Moving forward.
Lower sixth, forget a big holiday, do short breaks in potential uni cities.
So go to Birmingham/Bath/Sheffield wonder around, have a really good meal, stay in an interesting building or hotel, go rowing on a river, museum, escape room etc.
Tie a few in with actual uni open days.
You can stay in the college at Oxford where they filmed Harry potter.

Take both kids to something at Goodwood - festival atmosphere, cars, nostalgia, etc but not as tedious as a whole day of F1 or a living history museum, a mix of both.

My mum was always brilliant with this stuff. She learned all about football and the team my brother supports and watched them play on tv so she’d be able to chat to him about it when they spoke on the phone. She knows which player is which etc because she made the effort to learn it all. Similarly, she’s done the same for things I’m interested too. It’s just what a great parent does isn’t it?

You sound pretty rubbish to be honest. It's not that hard to interact with people who like different things to you or to be interested in her interests. Do you only have friends who are the same as you?

What would you do if both your kids liied stuff you didn't. You just need to put the effort in.

This is what you write about your DD

• She loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics.
• She loves trying new things
• She plays a little piano but now she is learning how to play the drums
• Shes good at maths and languages
• She wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics
• She is doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort
• Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE

I am very impressed! Aren't you impressed by her?

You have a very polarised view of your children. If DD likes something then Mum and DS have no interest in or understanding of it; if DS likes something then DD and Dad are ignorant and uncomprehending.
It could be that DS and DD are playing up to this division, rather than just enjoying chatting to everyone in the family about what they having going on, and sometimes going to events that may not be their first choice to support the others.
Reading your posts, I wondered if the next thing will be that DS will go to live with her dad and DS stay with you.

But that's just it: I don't think OP does enjoy watching her DD play tennis. It seems to me she's trying to 'show an interest' in DD's hobbies, not because she wants to necessarily but because, as a parent, she knows she should.

As you're so good at reading comprehension, where does the OP say she isn't impressed by her DD?

Op it is hard, my dd is formula 1 obsessed and I was devastated when she started into it two years ago. Growing up my step dad was obsessed and every Friday/Saturday/Sunday was dedicated to it on the tv. Same stories reworked again and again. I really resented it asa teen tbh .

but now my dd is just as obsessed and desperate to learn more and is studying engineering at T levels to be a racing engineer. She’s got a uni picked out and dreams and all of it centres around F1. Instead of resisting I’ve started trying to learn bits about out. I facilitate her going to her grandads to watch races etc. support him in taking her to museums/ expos about it. My DH enjoys watching but Is far from obsessive, he’s happy to watch it on recording/catch up but my dd gets up at 4am for some races 🤷🏼‍♀️🙀 . It is what it is. I love taking an interest in her life so despite e protesting that attending a race is out of the question I’ve taken it upon myself to book secret 4 day tickets to Silverstone in 2025 with glamping and we are taking her and her grandad. It cost an eye watering amount, around £4.8k for 4 for premium grandstand tickets but I am SO excited, not because I want to go myself but because I get a huge pleasure from seeing my 16 yo dd being happy. She hated our regular Greek beach holiday last year and begged to go home early with family so I’m saying that this trip is my DHs and her birthday present and our holiday for the year. Oddly , she’s struggled to make age appropriate female F1 friends but I accidentally found a new female best friend from Texas of all places, on a fb group dedicated to helping newbies sort out their first silverstone race. We are sitting together in the same grandstand ina group as she has a 17 yo son . It’s a very friendly community up to now and I’ve realised not everybody is a bellend like my step dad 😂

That word carbon copy... I feel a bit concerned that each of these kids has seemingly done this. The son is very similar to the mum, the daughter similar to the dad.

It seems a bit odd.

Do both kids have underlying people pleasing tendencies and/or looking for their parents validation.

Has the daughter feel left out by the Mum, has the son feel left out by the dad?

I agree you definitely can take an interest even if you you've no personal experience with the activity yourself.

If its important to your child, it's important to you.

I have basic understanding of an instrument that is being learned, which DH already plays and I show great enthusiasm as they show me current songs being learned, but I don't know how to play and I can't really read music.

I've shown interest in different activities/kids over the years. I've even learned how to navigate roblox and fortnite to join in occasional game.

Are these my things, well no, but they're my kids things, they're of importance/enjoyment to my kids and I try to show my interest and support where I can.

They are their own people and I'd be a bit concerned if their interests were becoming a mirror image of my own, I find that a bit strange, a bit enmeshed maybe. Just from what's been described in the post.

Did she write somewhere that she is impressed by her DD?
I must have missed it. I'm sorry.

But you are right, of course. The post was about bonding, not skills. I just thought the daughter sounded very impressive.

Sorry again.

What football team does she support? I'll come up with some questions you could ask about them.

I think she sounds impressive too and I'd put money on the fact that her Mum, desperate to connect with her, finds her pretty damn impressive too.

Oh that would be great, she's a Newcastle fan!

This.

It's not her job to only be interested in the things that you are interested in, it is your job to take an interest in what she is doing.

Exactly.

One of my dc does a sport I don't (or didn't) know anything about.
I didn't understand the rules and I know nothing about the tactics and nothing about people who play it professionally.

So, I took her to the games. I did a bit of research into the rules. I asked her about the tactics. I asked her about why this was a penalty or why that was ruled out when I didn't understand. If I can't go, I ask her to talk me through the game.

Would I be interested in the sport if she weren't ? No
Do I love my dd, and therefore, by default, want to be interested in things that are important to her ? Undoubtedly.

Have I (and no doubt millions of other parents through time) sat through boring concerts where people just beginning to learn their instruments all play their first concert, and winced at the lack of tunefulness ? Yes, of course I have. Because that's what parents do - encourage their dcs' interests, even if they aren't something they would be interested in themselves.

What I love about my son's obsessions is how knowledgeable and enthusiastic he is about them. He might as well be speaking in a foreign language but I love him getting all enthused when he's explaining something to me that's so technical that I'd never have a hope of understanding it.

Inference?

I didn't get that from the OP.

But I'm happy to agree to disagree.

Aw, this just made me tear up a bit, as someone who also gets up at 4am for races. Lucky girl!

What everyone else said. But also, re: the school subjects, it's perfectly normal for parents not to have been good at the same subjects their dc are doing at A Level! This should not be any kind of cause for distance between you and your dd. It sounds like you are creating the distance by acting almost deliberately cluelessly!

Just tell her you really like having a daughter with completely different interests to you. My daughter turned out to be surprisingly good at maths, a subject i always hated. I told her how pleased I was that she was good at things I had struggled with. She’s also an extrovert and will turn up to any event and mingle, so I tell her how that’s the opposite of me and I’m thrilled that she is so social. You don’t have to share your daughters interests, just be excited for her enthusiasm and get up and go attitude

Maybe you could watch the IT Crowd football episode together. Embrace your ignorance, bond, then ask if she saw that ludicrous display last night when stuck for words