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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To doze while my kids get themselves ready for school

123 replies

Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 08:05

Three kids: 12, 15, 17. All capable of making breakfast, getting ready, getting themselves to school etc.

On days I am WFH and my husband goes in, I wake them at their respective times, then doze / sometimes fall asleep again, until I have to get up for work.

when husband is WFH he will get them breakfast and see them off. Neither of us think the other is wrong, just choose to do it differently. He was in the office every day until Covid so think it’s still a nice thing to do for him. I was self employed and did all the morning routines for 13 years so enjoy not having to.

no problem here. Am just curious as have previously seen people little irate at “lazy”parents sleeping in! AIBU to stay snoozing?

OP posts:
livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 10:34

My child got his self ready and went of to school from the age of 12.

casapenguin · 05/12/2024 10:41

casapenguin · 05/12/2024 10:20

This a very ‘Protestant work ethic’ take to me. It’s not something that matters to everyone.

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Hahah I think it went the other way for me - had a lot of work ethic modelling which made me wonder what the point was. When I did hang out with friends whose parent were more relaxed it was a totally new experience. Although tbf I really value independence so in this case I approve of OPs kids work ethic of getting up in the morning. Maybe OP is cultivating that by making herself absent!

SofandaCox · 05/12/2024 10:43

Nope. My 10 year old gets up gets herself ready and leave for school while I’m in bed.

Invisimamma · 05/12/2024 10:56

I wake Ds14 at 7am and then I got back to bed for an hour, I wake up to say goodbye and check he has everything. I then wake his younger brother and get him ready for primary school, I get ready for work and login at 9am.

I do sometimes think I should be up and interacting with him but to be honest he just grunts in the morning and I like my sleep. I keep saying I'll change and get up at 7am with him but I can't seem to do it!

Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:20

Sharptonguedwoman · 05/12/2024 09:34

Hasn't this post been done before? My answer is the same, I think you should get up and be present.

Maybe but I don’t have a photographic memory of all previous posts and was keen to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:21

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/12/2024 09:32

I think it's fine for the older ones of course. I guess it depends what the youngest child is like? My 13 year old son needs my presence in the morning as he needs a lot of prompting and reminders (autistic) and I do make sure all his stuff is ready the night before as that makes it easier. He also needs breakfast which he can't make himself.

He’s pretty easy going and capable - being the third he is quite used to some minor neglect (joke! Well, mostly 😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:23

AnonyLonnymouse · 05/12/2024 09:42

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here. It’s not a criticism, just a personal viewpoint.
I just think it sets a good example for both parents to be up and dressed before children leave for school, rather than in bed or in pyjamas. Shift workers are an obvious exception, of course.

I had a SAHP who took my younger sibling to school every day in primary, but when we were both in secondary school began getting up later and only getting dressed after we had both left the house. So, on a weekday, I never saw them out of sleepwear until the afternoon. I adored my parent and certainly didn’t resent that they had a lie-in, but I think I lost a tiny bit of respect for them at that point?
I would then go around to my friend’s house to walk with her to school and her parent would always be up, fully dressed and preparing to run errands before going to work.
I am not sure what impression formed in my mind, but it was certainly an impression.

I think that teens pick up on more than we realise and not necessarily the things or ideas we think they will receive.

I get your point but our kids know we are both very hard working - we both have full on jobs and they understand this. But they also get that there’s a balance to be found and if you are getting up before 6 to go to the office it’s alright to snooze a bit later when you’re wfh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:26

EssentiallyItsTrue · 05/12/2024 09:45

I let my kids get up on their own at that age. Their schools were all very close.
I didn't wake them up though. Is there a reason you are doing that. I didn't get involved in sorting bags or remembering homework and things like that either. I'd be really helpful when asked but I think that it's better for kids to be more responsible for themselves.

They knew they could ask me if they needed anything.

I also got them to make me a cup of tea just before they left.

mainly because the middle would be late for school every day if we didn’t- we usually hear her alarm going off long before we go up. I don’t mind it actually, the others are usually up anyway so it’s more of a ‘morning, all okay? All sorted? You know where i am’ sort of check in

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 05/12/2024 12:27

I love to dote on mine but I think you are probably doing the right thing in terms of independence. But it's my pleasure to dote on them so I'm being selfish..

Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:29

casapenguin · 05/12/2024 10:20

This a very ‘Protestant work ethic’ take to me. It’s not something that matters to everyone.

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Indeed. Reminds me of those Facebook rants from people of a certain age range about how not spending an hour a day washing your front step is slovenly.

my kids l work hard, there’s no worry there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:31

casapenguin · 05/12/2024 10:41

Hahah I think it went the other way for me - had a lot of work ethic modelling which made me wonder what the point was. When I did hang out with friends whose parent were more relaxed it was a totally new experience. Although tbf I really value independence so in this case I approve of OPs kids work ethic of getting up in the morning. Maybe OP is cultivating that by making herself absent!

Edited
Show quote history

I like to think they learn from my mistakes as much as my successes (see also: staying out too late with said kids, bad drunk dancing, occasional sweet gluttony).

OP posts:
Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 12:33

arcticpandas · 05/12/2024 12:27

I love to dote on mine but I think you are probably doing the right thing in terms of independence. But it's my pleasure to dote on them so I'm being selfish..

Ah, if you love it, then do it! As others have said they are a long time gone and if it’s something you love, carry it on. For our family, mornings isn’t that time!

OP posts:
Dramatic · 05/12/2024 12:34

Absolutely fine either way, I do like to see mine off/give them a kiss goodbye but they'd be absolutely fine if I didn't.

Dramatic · 05/12/2024 12:39

SofandaCox · 05/12/2024 10:43

Nope. My 10 year old gets up gets herself ready and leave for school while I’m in bed.

10 year old? So still at primary? I feel like that's a bit young to be totally responsible for themselves on a morning

UmopapIsdn · 05/12/2024 12:39

My DH and I split it. Our DS is up at 7am and leaves at 8am so I take the first half hour and make breakfast and DS's packed lunch and at 7.30 DH gets up and I go back to bed! DH makes him a coffee and at 8 he waves him off from the front door until he turns the corner and they do a final wave at each other. DS is 17 so this is cute as fuck Grin

DS can and will get himself up and sorted (I’d bloody hope so at 17!) but I like to get up with him. I also like sleep so that’s why he only gets to enjoy my company for 30 minutes 😆

glittereyelash · 05/12/2024 12:53

I'd say do whatever works for you. When I was growing up my dad was gone to work before i got up and my mam was never up when I was leaving for school. I actually hated it so il probably always get up and see my son off but once your kids are happy with the arrangement go for it!

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 05/12/2024 12:57

DTs are 13 and get up at 6. I'm usually awake but I don't get up until 7. They're in their room getting ready so I wouldn't have much impact on what goes on. They leave at 720, I always see them out, remind them about kit / ingredients anything that they need. They don't really have breakfast but buy it at school. When I'm in the office it's chaos as we all need to leave at the same time and it gets a bit stressy.

redskydarknight · 05/12/2024 12:59

I think it's odd that you wake them up and then go back to bed.

If you want to stay in bed, then just let them get up themselves.

Do you have any control over your WFH hours? My preference would be to get up at the same time as the DC and start work earlier, to allow for finishing earlier.

Gogogo12345 · 05/12/2024 12:59

Dramatic · 05/12/2024 12:39

10 year old? So still at primary? I feel like that's a bit young to be totally responsible for themselves on a morning

Show quote history

Why though? If they've. Een brought up on learning how to do things and take responsibility for themselves it's not an issue. If they've been waited on and constantly checked it's less likely

Original poster
Weezypopsy · 05/12/2024 13:10

redskydarknight · 05/12/2024 12:59

I think it's odd that you wake them up and then go back to bed.

If you want to stay in bed, then just let them get up themselves.

Do you have any control over your WFH hours? My preference would be to get up at the same time as the DC and start work earlier, to allow for finishing earlier.

Interesting, doesn’t seem odd to me at all- no different to getting up to the loo.

I could start earlier if I wanted to but between managing the team and dealing with requests from the US I would end up working ridiculous hours. Plus I don’t want to.

OP posts:
BadPeopleFan · 05/12/2024 13:19

We've always got up well before the kids and continue to do so even though they are 14 & 17.
They make whatever they want for breakfast and sit with us for about half an hour each in the morning before they get ready to leave.
I can't imagine sitting dosing while everyone else is pottering around getting ready for school/work.
Each to their own but I like being up and around for them in the morning.

YellowMeeple · 05/12/2024 13:28

I am a morning person and most mornings get my 15 & 16 year olds up, ensure they stay on time and make their breakfast alongside getting myself ready for work. DH stays asleep in bed as he wfh and is not a morning person. If I’m travelling with work they are always sad about being on their own in the morning, but have both made it clear they do not want DH getting up those days as his morning vibe drags everyone down. So I think the answer is it really depends on what you would be like if you did get up!

BeachRide · 05/12/2024 13:29

Gogogo12345 · 05/12/2024 12:59

Why though? If they've. Een brought up on learning how to do things and take responsibility for themselves it's not an issue. If they've been waited on and constantly checked it's less likely

Show quote history

It has a psychological effect - there's a fine line between being taught to be independent and feeling not cared about.

Julia34 · 05/12/2024 13:32

BeachRide · 05/12/2024 13:29

It has a psychological effect - there's a fine line between being taught to be independent and feeling not cared about.

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Yes that why all need balance. If my 11 year old daughter ask me for help I do help her and teach her how to do it so she can learn, but if she not ask me for help I don't do nothing because my daughter she will get angry and saying "mom stop making me look like I am 5 years old" 😂

SofandaCox · 05/12/2024 13:39

Dramatic · 05/12/2024 12:39

10 year old? So still at primary? I feel like that's a bit young to be totally responsible for themselves on a morning

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She’s fine. She get up ridiculously early to do her hair and then she leaves early to meet friends and they all walk down together. She also comes home alone and has a key to get herself in. She’s fine and loves the independence and I have no worries for when she starts secondary school next year.