Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Give him a massive childcare bill.
For 10 months childcare.

Invoice him for half of the nursery fees he would have paid.

Deliver the bill to him. Deadpan.

After 20 years on MN I was thinking I could no longer be shocked by the behaviour of some fathers, but here I am with my jaw on the floor again. I’m sorry OP, unless there is some huge misunderstanding, it sounds like you married a dick.

Fuck that and fuck him. Bill him for 50% of your lost earnings and add on 50% for the free childcare. Throw in the estimate of how much a divorce will cost for good measure.

If he gave you a value for what he thought you owed him how can that be a joke? He's clearly worked it out which would have required quite a bit of effort. He's not lovely, he's an absolute prick.

And 50% of her lost earnings!

He's unspeakable @LemonadeShadeParade Absolute bastard. I would find this hard to get over.

So who will be paying for childcare?

My response to that would be ‘get fucked’ I think. Maybe ‘fuck off’ or perhaps just laughing in his face. Ultimately I’d be treating him and his pathetic request with the derision it deserves. I have to say, I’d struggle to move past this, his selfishness and lack of insight into what it means to be a team would be so worrying.

It reminds me of my old neighbours dick head of a husband who she used have to phone to ask if she was allowed to buy a coffee when we were out with our babies.

He didn't want her to work because his mother didn't work but he didn't want her to have anything for herself without his permission either.

When they were divorcing years later after she found out about the affair it did turn out that he had hidden assets whilst paying interest only on the mortgage.

These bastards walk amongst us.

No

if he wants to bill you, he first needs to pay you for half your lost earnings for the duration of your leave

he also needs to pay his half of all maternity related expenses. Did he pay for half of your maternity clothes? Did he buy pads to soak up your lochia? Has he covered the day to day expenses you had just being home with your shared child, like transportation to baby classes?

And also calculate the toll on your body, and the cost of that to your health.

Bastard.

Bill him for childcare, sex, cleaning, cooking...

My reaction when he said it (he said it kind of jolly-like and flippantly) was I think my face just went blank and no words came out. I felt a bit of blind panic so hard to judge how long I stood there staring. We were interrupted by a knock on the door and haven't resumed the conversation yet.

Come on, there's no way this sort of announcement would've been put to one side. Anyone would be straight back in there as soon as they'd got rid of whoever was at the door to sort out his misunderstanding of what being a father and husband means.

Are you seriously saying you're just waiting for it to come up in conversation again?! Give over.

Wow

Why do you still have the concept of 'his' and 'your' money if you're married?

This is honestly really perplexing. How long were you with him before you fell pregnant? No judgement BTW, I'm just curious how someone could seemingly go from being really normal to behaving like this. Is there more to it? He's not depressed? Or your relationship isn't rocky? This is seriously out of nowhere? As it is really odd

I would say write down the cost of childcare for a young baby (I know they don’t take them from birth but use the rate for the youngest age nurseries will take), add it up and present him with that bill. Maybe also the cost of a surrogate - distasteful, but he can’t carry and birth a baby himself after all.

Remember to add in the night nanny rate if you did the nights, or a majority of them.

Did you pick up any extra household tasks whilst on Mat Leave, as in more than a half share? If so add that to the bill.

Present him with that.

Or just leave him as any man who thinks this way is probably beyond redemption.

I also pay for all the groceries, and have still done whilst I've been on mat leave!

Next time you go to the supermarket present him with the receipt and tell him he owes you his share (at whatever percentage you normally split). If have any old receipts lying around even better.

Or do you have an online grocery account you can look back on? Or go through bank/credit card statements?

After all, he ate the food too didn't he?

What a cheeky bastard!

So, you're the higher earner?
And he wants you to pay him back for all of the time he was earning more than you?
So surely, by his own logic, he now owes you for all of the time you were earning more than him then? Do a spreadsheet to show him how much he owes you. Then add in the childcare costs and the birthing and carrying costs.

wtf have I just read??? My exH was a bit like this (all baby expenses came out of my savings etc) but this is on another level!

Also have a word with his mother.

This is financial abuse. I would be making serious plans to leave my husband, if he presented me with that.

I received 700 pounds for the year off my child's father when I was on mat leave. He also refused to pay for the gutter to be fixed when water was pouring into our child's room so I did out of savings. He's now an ex.