Page 39 | Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

MrsPositivity1 · 05/12/2024 19:25

Good god, he has no idea

Spriterat · 05/12/2024 19:25

I would bill him for the labour you went through. He is having a laugh

Nerlin9812 · 05/12/2024 19:26

More going on here, is he resentful of baby or thinks you’re ‘lucky’ being off work??

id seriously think about getting out of this marriage

Pinkdhalia · 05/12/2024 19:27

You've chosen a lame duck with that man! Who asks for repayment of maternity savings! I've never heard of that arrangement! Pack his bags and take his key ! Send him on his way. You'll owe whenever he finds another reason to fine you!

Cetim · 05/12/2024 19:27

Ffs just when I thought nothing could shock me. This is insane!!! Yanbu. He is being a tight, selfish b@&!£Rd.

Did he carry and deliver a human being (his offspring) into the world? He needs to just take responsibility and provide for his family. It is pathetic. Stand up to him or he will just get worse and worse. Point blank say to him

NO. I AM NOT PAYING YOU BACK THE FANTOM MONEY YOU BELIEVE I OWE YOU. BECAUSE I DONT OWE YOU ANYTHING FOR THE TIME I SPENT RISKING MY LIFE BIRTHING AND KEEPING YOUR CHILD ALIVE.

Cdu · 05/12/2024 19:28

LemonadeShadeParade · 04/12/2024 13:38

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Omg- hes ridiculous. This isn't a partnership on an equal footing if this is his behaviour. Are there any financial issues that you are unaware of, that he's hiding from you? Maybe he desperately needs the money??. Would find out if this is the case. Still doesn't make his attitude right.

I would present him with a bill for the period of time you have been off work which includes

Your bill for
cleaning (find out the cost per hour of a local cleaning service)
Childcare services (find out how much a local daycare or chemist Der is (whichever you plan to use upon your return to work))
Cooking services (if you cook for him crate a rate per hour and work out the bill)

Any other costs that you can think, use your time wisely to do a detailed Invoice of what he owes you per month and suggest he set up a payment plan

Laura95167 · 05/12/2024 19:28

For richer for poorer...

Bill him your childcare rate for all that caring for his child you offered. Even at minimum wage £12.21 x 24hr x 7 days x 52 weeks = £106.7k

Bunchymcbunchface · 05/12/2024 19:28

I’d charge him for everything I’ve done for him since the maternity started
along with emotional distress compensation.

then tell him to fuck off

PoppyTries · 05/12/2024 19:29

Falseshamrok · 04/12/2024 13:41

Bill him for childcare

This. And £500/hr for labor & delivery

Elle771 · 05/12/2024 19:29

Just give him an invoice back for 10 months of full time childcare...

£70 a day x 5 days a week x 44 weeks... then ask him for half of that. Add on expenses for all the night shifts I'm sure you have done with baby too. 😅😅

PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/12/2024 19:32

Fuck this prick! Get out now and make sure your child maintenance is handled by the government agency and a lawyer. Seriously.

MixedCouple2 · 05/12/2024 19:33

Oh no he is that kind of DkH. Wow what did you marry. Tell him to fudge off. Having to use your savings? What that is atroucious!
You carried the baby and went through labour and looking after the baby postpartum tell him he owes you!

DoubleMM · 05/12/2024 19:36

Feel quite sick reading this. What did you discuss? That you would manage on SMP and he would not contribute any more to the household expenses? Is he the child’s father? Is he your husband? Or a flatmate?

PotatoLove · 05/12/2024 19:37

Is he taking the absolute piss???
Tell him to get stuffed.

croydon15 · 05/12/2024 19:38

Just ask him if he was joking as you didn't think it was funny.

BarbaraVineFan · 05/12/2024 19:38

Absolutely gobsmacked by this! Some men are really beyond the pale...

PoppyTries · 05/12/2024 19:38

LemonadeShadeParade · 04/12/2024 14:04

Some useful points about financial abuse, I will be weary. Some have suggested that I ask him if it's a joke, so when it comes up next - that's what I'm going to say.

Other questions asked, when I am working, we have a good amount of left over money each to play. (Another good influence I think I've had on his life!! Not living pay cheque to pay cheque and living quite a nice life) We usually split the bills based on the % of our income so I pay a bit more than him. I also pay for all the groceries, and have still done whilst I've been on mat leave! So I think generally it's quite even once you add the extra things I pay for. Baby will be going to nursery when I go back to work and bills for that will be split the same way.

Previously, bills were paid based on % of income, so your current income is 0 and you shouldn't have to pay at all.

user1468761869 · 05/12/2024 19:39

This is outrageous. Having a baby has no price. As the saying goes, he is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Sorry 😔 you are married to this man. He is not a keeper.

Sunnnybunny72 · 05/12/2024 19:39

This is your first warning about him. Make sure your contraception going forward is watertight.

Niceandsmooth · 05/12/2024 19:41

WingleWom · 05/12/2024 18:36

I feel quite concerned for you OP that you've not said anything. Are you afraid of him?

All of this stuff - wanting to make sure you're completely controlled in your response despite him being the one to make this batshit request, the chances for him to say he was joking, asking for advice on how to phrase things to your own husband, putting it off, even saying you'll wait until it comes up in conversation again?

I don't know how you can keep your mouth closed for an hour never mind more than a day after what he's just asked of you?

You've got (I've not read every post but I am guessing) unanimous agreement that he's in the wrong. Are you not seething with anger about it all?

Do you feel you always have to be the calm one? Walk on eggshells? Do you feel it's your responsibility to explain things well enough that he can understand? Do you ever let yourself just be pissed off and express your raw emotions with him?

Agreed, it sounds like he’s taking advantage of her timidity and knew he can ask for this without her kicking up a fuss.

He needs consequences for this outrage, even if he apologises.

What do you think might be suitable consequences, OP?

It is human nature that even the nicest people will end up taking the piss when they know there are zero repercussions.

Stand up for yourself! Watch some assertiveness videos to psyche yourself up if you have to!

I don’t think I could ever feel the same way again about someone who said this to me during my and his baby’s most vulnerable time. He’s a fucking psycho!

adriftinadenofvipers · 05/12/2024 19:41

Sunnnybunny72 · 05/12/2024 19:39

This is your first warning about him. Make sure your contraception going forward is watertight.

In the event she can bear to shag him ever again!

sel2223 · 05/12/2024 19:41

This is one of the most insane things I've ever read on MN

Seriously, wtf?

onaroll · 05/12/2024 19:43

I would be more than tempted to reply to him when it’s brought up again with
‘ since all the goalposts & agreements about money/bills/ we discussed before I had our baby and have been on maternity leave have been totally changed by you without open discussion between us - I’ve made a decision myself. I’ve also changed the goalposts. I’ve decided rather than going back to work, I’m going to stay at home to bring up our baby and save you money on all the child care fees. ‘
This may highlight to him how unreasonable & unrealistic he has been in ‘billing you’.
At the very least it will make him feel like he’s been stunned with a massive curveball out of the blue. See how he enjoys being dictated to where ‘his’ money is spent without discussion between partners.
sorry if this a repeat of a previous reply.

141mum · 05/12/2024 19:44

LemonadeShadeParade · 04/12/2024 13:38

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Haha, he’s nuts, work out how much a nanny, a cook and cleaner cost. He owes you a fortune

adriftinadenofvipers · 05/12/2024 19:45

@LemonadeShadeParade I hope you feel able to address this with him tonight. I couldn't keep going and letting this fester. I hope he will be reasonable because I honestly don't think if he's not, there's a future in this.

Please come back and let us know how it goes (you may need to start another thread) not only because so many posters are frankly appalled and agog to hear how he tries to defend this, but because we're all rooting for you and willing you to kick the bastard into touch!

There's a lot of us here who'd love to do it for you!