Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Indeed this isn't his finest moment. I'm so embarrassed by the situation as well that I've not spoken to any of my family or friends to ask for their advice. So thank you Mumsnet!!

Luckily if things did go tits up I can easily leave tomorrow with the baby. I have my own car and resources.

If anyone can give me some good sentences to use to help him understand why he's so wrong, I'd appreciate help on how to phrase it because I can just see myself getting my words muddled and eventually just telling him he's a twat! I do want to give him the chance to realise he's being a prick and apologise. I'm very naive but going to stay hopeful that he's just having a moment of twatiness or was possessed by an evil spirit or something.

This!!

Because if you look back at OP's posts, that's HIS idea and wishes. OP would share.

This absolutely. Please do not forget that night shifts are more expensive .

If you usually pay proportional to income maybe it’s time to look at the percentage change and what he should have been paying and then the childcare element.

or alternatively leave it as the same percentage but then work out the cost of childcare and then split that proportionally and see how much that comes to for him…. I’m sure your maternity leave will have cost him a lot less than childcare.

This gets worse actually if you are scared you could use the wrong words.

Do you think he might hurt you if you say the wrong thing.

Phone Woman's Aid right now.

Unbelievable OP.

Take this very seriously because this has abuse written all over it.

I would be absolutely appalled and if this IS his idea of a joke, you still have a problem.

Let this be a huge wake up call, because for me, this would be the beginning of the end.

Calculate a child minding rate and present him with it and thank him for opening your eyes to EXACTLY who he is.

50/50 going forward, stop paying for groceries, and there is no way I would have another child with him.

Mind you, how would you even have sex after this would be beyond me.

Total irrevocable ICK.
I wouldn't ever trust him again.
When trust is gone, it's over.
I'm so sorry.

This is worrying. When you say "your words muddled" it makes it sound like you are asking for a promotion but he's your husband. You know you deserve better?

Hopefully she laughed in his face and then got on with her day.

It's very strange. Does he have a family member or friend in his ear?

What on earth have I just read? So you bear the burden of growing a baby, birthing it, I'm guessing the bulk of the looking after during Mat Leave, and also the financial losses? And he......keeps his savings fully intact. How does he plan to spend his baby savings if not on covering mat leave and raising the baby?!

I'd bill him for 10 months of 24/7 Nanny service. What a prize he is.

Jesus Christ. That really is shocking.

How much does he owe you for childcare I wonder?

Seriously you are meant to be a family, working together as a team in life. You need to really talk about this with him. What does he understand of the concept of'family'? What does he plan on doing with this money that excludes you?

Completely gobsmacked by this.

I agree with the others - tot up how much it would cost in nursery 24 hours a day and then bill him !!!

What an absolute idiot - you have been contributing less because you have been off RAISING HIS CHILD. He needs a serious shake!

Except we all know he wasn't joking. That's just what being said to express the sheer cheek of the man!

If you ask him this it will let him off the hook if he doesn't quite have the audacity to stick to his pov.

Actually what you need want, is to drill down into this and get to the bottom of it.
If you let this lurk under the surface you'll be addressing it later in life when he screws you over some how.

Don't dare be ill
Don't dare have any expensive life events
Don't dare need to lean on him financially in any way because you now know he doesn't think that's any of his business.
Hell he doesn't even think his own child is any of his business when it comes to his wallet.

He needs to realise that not all expenses are printed on letter headed paper/email, that some of life's biggest costs are 'invisible' but still very very real.
If he thinks because it 'just happened' (childcare magically provided) and an actual bill didn't land, then it doesn't count... You're going to bump up against this issue time and again from now until your love for him is dust ...

You need to get to the bottom of this and reframe his understanding so it's in line with reality... if that's even possible, or understand he's terminally unfair and you can walk away while it's still relatively simple to do so.

WTF? I would seriously give him an invoice for childcare plus cleaning (if you've been doing the majority). Charge the childcare at what your normal salary works out at per hour. I would also ask him to pay you back 50%of the food bills. Then ask him to deduct what you owe him and tell him to send you the difference. I would really re-consider this relationship

Your first huge mistake is to marry someone who earns less than you.

Your second is to have a child with him.

"So I didn't earn any money because I was looking after the baby, but now I must pay it back?"

"Aah, okay, well, if we assume that the cost of everything should be split proportionally, I'll work out what your share of the costs are for the childcare I did over that period as well as the additional housekeeping i performed."

That's fine, just calculate the number of hours of childcare you provided for him at the same rate as a newborn nanny, around £18ph should cover it, and then work out what you think a fair rate is for carrying and birthing his child. Then kick him straight out the door.

Why don’t you ask him to go away and talk over his POV with a few friends.

If he’s too embarrassed to then he’s got the answer hasn’t he. (he should be).

If he’s not too embarrassed to, allow him to do so and he’ll find out for himself how utterly outrageous he’s been.

I never ever say this but if he really won’t change his POV I’d seriously be considering the future of this relationship.

Also, like I said previously - work out the cost of a live in Nanny, charge him for 50% of that, and see what he says to that.

Find out how much a surrogate is paid in, say, America and invoice the twat.

It sounds like he considers your shared child to be your (singular) responsibility. I'd be extremely concerned about that attitude alone OP.

Honestly OP, you'd be better making plans for an independent future than planning what to say to him later. If he needs an explanation, he's a lost cause. He's just tried to BILL the mother of his child for her maternity leave. That's not stupidity, that's being a massive cunt. A financially abusive one at that.
You have the means to be independent. Please do. You deserve so much better.
I'm not one to immediately scream LTB, but this is a shocker.

Can i ask @LemonadeShadeParade has he always wanted things 50/50 even from the first date?

Hes a knob btw

Wow!!!! Your husband is a cunt of the highest order!!! Unbelievable! Tell him where to go! You owe him fuck all!!!

You used up all of your savings while on maternity leave. Did he use his savings as well? If not, even if you don't reimburse him for paying less during your mat leave (which you obviously shouldn't do), you should pay less into the bill account when you go back to work to allow you to build up your savings again. Why on earth should you be the only one to lose out financially by having a baby?