Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

I don't know how you've left it without saying anything (after you got interrupted -when was this?).
Cos, I'd be laughing in his face and saying 'you effing what?'. Jog on. I mean just say that.
What's he going to do.
In fact just get rid. Absolutely vile.

You say you normally pay him, weird tbh
seems odd is he in charge of your house hold expenses!
who owns the home ? Or do you rent
very much a red flag
you are a married couple right
maybe you need to take a good look at the power balance in your marriage
meantime , I would say you thought he was actually joking surely

He's watched you burn through all your savings while you do all the childcare and now he's billing you.

🤬🤬🤬

Watch out there are a lot more expenses coming up over the next 18 years and you'll be deep deep in debt to him if this is his vision of a fair pattern in this 'partnership'

When you have a moment with no interruptions you need to sit him down and tell him that his 'joke' comment about you paying him back has made you realise you need to sit and review your joint finances. Make sure that you nip this thinking in the bud, remind him you are a family & a team, plan ahead for nursery fees etc., think about a college fund. Maybe even do a spreadsheet so it's all clear & recorded.

Hope your DH see what an arse he has been, good luck.

Definitely time for a full discussion...

Wow!!!! Maybe it's time to remind him that you both want the baby and, if he wants to invoice money owed, then as others have suggested.
Invoice for
*Cost for surrogacy (or half as you managed your bit),

• 'Compensation' for changes to your body.
• Childcare whilst on maternity leave
• Replacement of pension contributions
• Include indicative costs moving forward (salary reduction, reduction to pension etc etc) With interest!

What a tool.

This. Uterus rent doesn't come cheap!

Find out the following going rates for:

A paid surrogate

A nanny

A housekeeper

And send him an invoice for the period in question.

This. Unless this is a poorly-judged joke then he is really showing himself to be deeply unpleasant.

That is awful and he's definitely being unreasonable.

Just trying to see things from his perspective though - do you usually pay for things 50/50 despite you being the higher earner? If this is how you've always done things it might not be obvious to him that having a child changes things. And if he has never lost his job or been ill he may not know that you'd support him.

The only other thing- is he jealous of the time you've spent with your baby, either because he doesn't understand the challenges or he does and he'd like more time as a dad anyway? Could he drop to four days a week to save on childcare and bond with your LO?

It seems like a good time to have a big conversation about work and childcare and what bills are shared and how much you should each pay and what would happen if your individual or family circumstances change.

Well you got a keeper there didn't you?! Assuming this isn't a reverse it's nuts. Has he got into debt to cover expenses?

Oh I'd be slapping him with a full bill..

Womb rental - (No idea but its around £300 a week for a room with all utilities etc here so addd on a bit for food... ) £500 a week..
Delivery - you'd need to pay me 20K to shove a baby through my flaps, min.
Daytime childcare £350 a week
Night nanny - £1300 a week

So thats 50% of 38K for producing child..
And 50% of 66K for nannying/childcare for 10 months.

Shove a bill for over 100K in his face and tell him you'll deduct what you 'owe' him from that total.

He'll exclaim you're being ridiculous... and you can just let that fucking sit there til it dawns on him!

Make sure you add your missed pension contributions from the period of your maternity leave onto his bill, he should be covering half of those!!

I can’t believe men like this exist but actually I can, because we read about it all the time on Mumsnet.

Bill him for childcare and for the physical impact pregnancy had on your body and you’re square.Seriously though, you need to nip this in the bud!

Have a serious chat asap!

As for him never having behaved like this before, a lot of men’s true colours come out once they’re married and have a child.

Calculate the bill for taking care of his child for 24 hours a day, all day every day, for 10 months. Present it like an official invoice and email it to him. Film his reaction 👍

I have to comment again on this.
If I ever wanted kids, I would have done absolutely the same.
Unfortunately, I believe my upbringing and experience shaped my mind to not trust any man to have a child with.
(Long term married, though).

Some useful points about financial abuse, I will be weary. Some have suggested that I ask him if it's a joke, so when it comes up next - that's what I'm going to say.

Other questions asked, when I am working, we have a good amount of left over money each to play. (Another good influence I think I've had on his life!! Not living pay cheque to pay cheque and living quite a nice life) We usually split the bills based on the % of our income so I pay a bit more than him. I also pay for all the groceries, and have still done whilst I've been on mat leave! So I think generally it's quite even once you add the extra things I pay for. Baby will be going to nursery when I go back to work and bills for that will be split the same way.

FUCK THAT.

Tally up his total for the fucking childcare the past few months and give the arsehole that. What a prick.

Tell him how much money you lost carrying and caring for his baby and bill him back (loss of earnings and what your childcare would have been for 9 months had you immediately returned to work.......Then tell him not be such a knob, you can call it quits and we will say no more on the matter

you are married. Your money is all joint. There is no further discussion to be had. You both should have access and visibility to all your money together. Whose account it is in is arbitrary and ultimately irrelevant.

What an absolute cunt. He wants to charge you for keeping his baby alive for the last 10 months?! I'd definitely do as PPs have said and produce an invoice representing billable childcare hours. I'd also tell him that if he doesn't see you as a team when it comes to raising your family - which his ridiculous idea suggests he doesn't - then it would be better to separate now rather than later.
Or, for speed, just tell him to fuck off.

Yes. This. I almost cried for you reading this post OP does he think you're a member of staff or something?

Find a local childcare provider and ask their hourly rate. Bill him for your daily hours and charge time and a half overnight. Even his half alone will be far in excess of your bills. what a PLONKER

What the hell have I just read?

Calculate what you would have earned if you hadn't had time off to have your baby. Subtract the maternity pay and tell him that's how much he owes you. Hopefully he'll soon shut up. What a plank.