Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Sorry trying to keep up with the ques, there's no prenup, and we have a joint account for bills and everything else is separate. I've always advocated to share everything equally but his preference was separate accounts for anything not bill related which I'm fine with. I do like having financial independence to some extent so we don't scrutinize each other too much.

My reaction when he said it (he said it kind of jolly-like and flippantly) was I think my face just went blank and no words came out. I felt a bit of blind panic so hard to judge how long I stood there staring. We were interrupted by a knock on the door and haven't resumed the conversation yet.

That’s unbelievable Op! What a tosser! Is he normally horribly tight and penny pinching?

What?

👌👌👌

Oh OP, you deserve better than this. Not even married to my partner yet, no kids, have had a lot of sick time recently so less income - he's been covering "my half" of the bills no fuss, no talk of paying him back, nothing. When i thank him, he says I dont even need to thank him - we're a team and a family.

We don't even really talk abut half of bills, its something we did naturally.

I hope your husband sorts his shit out. It is possible to be better than this.

OMG this surely can't be real.

Send him the bill for what it would have cost in childcare if you'd gone back to work to be able to pay your share of household expenses. He might see it differently. You took the time off work to birth, recover and care for HIS child, ffs.

This is actually outrageous and it never ceases to amaze me how many people I read about on here who choose to have children with such utterly selfish and disrespectful men.

“Fathers” like this are the reason I chose to have a baby solo.

You grew his child, went through all the tribulations of pregnancy and birth, cared for his child, and he has the audacity to bill you for what you “owe”. Like most men, I’m sure his life has not changed at all, as you have done all the work. Whereas he has not sacrificed his body, career, and carries on with his life as normal.

Take this as a sign. He’s incredibly mean. Unfortunately a lot of these traits will not show until you are vulnerable, aka pregnant/with a newborn/young child. It’s a control thing and may get worse. Don’t have any more children with him and get your ducks in a row. I’m sorry you are being treated like this.

Unbelievable, give him a bill for the child care you provided for his child whilst you were off !!! Greedy git isn't he ?

Obviously, this is ridiculous as others have pointed out.

BUT, one point that jumps out at me - you are the higher earner so how are bill usually split AND how much disposable income do you usually both have after bills are paid? Because while his approach is truly astonishingly awful, if he has often been short while you've had more, and now you've had this baby and you were both short, but now you're back at work and about to have a lot more income and disposable spending while he has little... then I would actually have some sympathy for him.

That’s awful. Ask if he’s ‘joking’, if not, I couldn’t be happy with a man like that. My feelings for him would switch right off. What a knob.

This is so out of order that I would worry that now you have a child and are vulnerable he's escalating to financial abuse. Show him this thread and ask him what he thinks of it.

Invoice him for the 40 weeks of womb rental, delivery time, nanny duties for the last however many months + wear and tear on your body?

Seems like he's going to owe you a fortune!

If he's normally decent you should show him these responses.

I thought marriage meant sharing? There seems to be too much, this is mine and this is yours in this marriage.

I was just coming on to say this looks like financial abuse.

Be careful OP.

If it is, it's combined with stupidity on another level.

Childcare tummy tuck vaginalplasty (is that even a thing?) The costs associated with getting your body back to pre baby conditions 50% ongoing nursery fees 50% child related costs and expenses not to mention the impact it will have on his career when you leave him and he has to assume the responsibility of a child 50% of the time (because I've seen the tiktoks encouraging men to do this this appears to be the "end goal")

My thoughts too.

I'm so shocked that I think this can be the only valid response !

I’m on Mat leave.

I’m not being paid as in the final 3 months. My husband is paying for everything. He even gets me cash out every week so I can get a coffee with the mums. He’s not rich but he’s also not a dick. If I need anything, he hands his card over easily. Why? We’re a team and there are times when you have to support each other.

You’re taking time off like me to raise a child. It’s not a job, but it’s work. It’s his child also, he should be paying as you’re supposed to be a team. I agree with other posters that you nip this now or he’ll have his cake and eat it with you working and putting all your money into the family as well as being free childcare that goes under appreciated.

The sheer cheek of your husband.

I'd agree actually. But if this is the system they've got in place, then it doesn't seem entirely fair that he was funding it all while she was on mat leave and now suddenly she'll have a lot more disposable income.

I'll never understand why, when married, with children, finances aren't shared equally but I've learned to accept everyone has different ways of doing it.

Tell him that that’s fine, you’ve just worked out the cost of his part of the childcare that he owes you and it cancels that amount out, luckily.

What an odd man.

This. Seriously. Who does he think he'd have to pay if you were not there to look after his child.

This.

Add cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.

I also wonder if there's something else worrying or bugging him, and rather than address those concerns directly with an adult conversation he's expressing his frustrations in this manner?