Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

His family are weird.
Lack of guidance and positive influences growing up, debt, and poor life skills....according to the OP.

Unfortunately so many woman think that a shit background won't affect them in their relationship.

It 100% will and does.
If a man has been raised in a toxic background it is absolutely ridiculous to suggest that that toxicity will not leak into your relationship and family life that you create.

He believes she should pay more when she works and supplement his lifestyle and pay him back anything extra he spends when she is on mat leave with HIS child.

Toxic rearing leaking into his marriage and family.

Absolutely this !

If he wants to go down the transactional route you can:

Bill him for inconvenience and lost earnings due to him getting you pregnant.
Bill him for potential detrimental effect of pregnancy on your career progression.
Bill him for distress and pain while giving birth to his child.
Send him a bill for his share of child care (looking after his child while he’s at work )

Be aware that if you point this out he will not be happy because he thinks you’re either stupid or too non confrontational and nice. He is expecting you to toe the line. He knows you’re confused because he knows he is being unreasonable and an arsehole.

Piss takers rely on the victim being too polite to say anything.

Maybe you should threaten to divorce him and then he’ll owe you a lot more than he bargained for. Does his attitude not give you the ick though?

Just add : ( optional) bill him for changes to your body from carrying his child , which may have required physio / chiropractor etc … for back pain as an example)
Bill for your increased food bill while pregnant and eating for 2.
Does he breast feed ? If not, bill him for stress caused by sleepless nights !
Bill him for the therapy shopping you need to do now as he has caused yet more stress by being unreasonable !
Bill him for everything ! Including the housework you do while he’s at work.

Don’t do the billing back - have an adult conversation about marriage and parenthood

i I suspect if he is being serious he will consider all you do for the baby/taking mat leave as your choice and therefore not his to financially support

WTF - why on God's green earth do couples having children conduct their finances like this? He's a stingy wanker bastard. And tone deaf. And didn't grow and push a fucking person out of his nether parts! Tell him HE owes you a performance bonus!!

@LemonadeShadeParade do you think he'll actually raise the subject again? My guess is he'll not be daft enough to.

And if Op raises it he'll make it out as a big joke.

Husband thinks I owe him money
Just saw this and knew the rest of the story and also why he's talking bollocks.

I think what you need to point out to him is the principal of fairness and the sense of being a family/couple. You pay more than him towards the house historically because you had more and it was fair to do that, now when you have had less than him he's totted that up and asked you for the shortfall because he's not prepared for it to work the other way? Why is it ok for you to give more but not for him? I understand that he might still have some misguided ideas about money from his upbringing so I think the key will be his reaction when you help him to see how grossly off the mark he is here, you have had time off to look after your shared child, do you really need to monitise his half of that and bill him, does he not see it as his job to keep things afloat while you are off recovering from birth and bringing up the baby. If he doesn't respond well to the discussion I feel you may be in trouble

Agree about the background. Sounds like he was raised by wolves.

Tell him you'll know it off your invoice for surrogacy and childcare from birth. Plus loss of earnings and pension contributions both now and for the rest of you career.

I mean, words fail me, and for once even I was inclined to join Team LTB.

But then I thought, there's more to it than 'what a selfish dickhead'. Because this isn't something even a selfish dickhead would do. It's just plain bizarre!

I think you and other posters are right to think it comes from his seriously weird family. It would explain why your DH doesn't have a clue how things work in normal families and relationships, and takes his lead from them. I'm guessing he doesn't have a huge and varied social circle.

It's probably not even that rare. My own ex's brother used to ask me for things like pans from my kitchen. He was a regular healthy guy, he was earning, but didn't see why he should waste his money on pans so he could cook for his toddler, who stayed overnight every so often. I think his whole family saw me as a bit of an ATM to be honest. Hey, what else are middle-class women of a certain age for?!

So it looks like, in the matter of family finances (and probably other areas of human flourishing, but first things first) you'll have to do some serious re-education OP. Starting with the basics:

-What Is Marriage For?
-Who Pays For What?
-When One Partner Earns More Than The Other

-and I'm sure you can think of others! You could try doing 'Mr & Mrs' type quizzes to see how widely your assumptions differ on things. Could be an eye-opener for both of you.Could be the making of him.

And if all else fails...you know what to do!

Who the fuck are the tiny percentage who think you're being unreasonable??!
Good luck with the next conversation, OP.

It’s hard to believe that your husband is being serious here, but you really do need to point out that you have been caring for his child - not having a holiday! How much would it have cost if you’d had to pay someone to look after the baby instead of taking maternity leave? Didn’t his baby benefit from having its mother love and care in the first few months of its life rather than a stranger’s? You have lost earnings for the sake of the whole family - if anything he owes you money. If it were me, I would need to make my husband understand this. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Bill him for the childcare

This is one circumstance where I think its worth getting marriage counselling.. He needs to see that his request is just not acceptable in a normal marriage, shared family situation.. and then it might help him to work out why he thinks that's fair... and why he's thinking in terms of himself being hard done by.

Its sad that this is happening at what should be a wonderful time with a new baby, and when you are probably tired out.

One thing you do need to iron out... Don't let the childcare come all out of your salary...even if the complaint is that its just a paper exercise. Both pay half. You are both Parents. If you don't the danger is that your salary is so depleted by childcare, it becomes worth less in comparison. Also if he's paying half its a reminder that childcare is the responsibility of both parents. And you are not left with the feeling that its not worth continuing with your career because you don't have anything left after childcare.

well @LemonadeShadeParade that is your contraception sorted for any accidental second kids.

Ew, your H MUST have given you the mega ICK with all this.

Op should bill him for the groceries he didn't contribute to, along with everything else.

Marriage guidance counselling? For his behaviour?!
She's done nothing wrong. It isn't a marital problem to be discussed!
There's no going back from something like this. He is greedy, abusive and cruel.

We were in this situation with our children. We have separate finances because we find it easier to be financially accountable that way, but I pay proportionately more of the bills so it works out fair.

When my wife was on mat leave, I topped up her SMP to the equivalent of her usual salary and reduced my disposable income accordingly. Isn’t that what loving, sacrificial spouses do?

So the savings on nursery fees need to be calculated

half the bill and present to him for looking after his baby

£700 a month for 10 months

£7000 - tell him to take what you owe him out of that and he can pay you in instalments over the next 7 months

Husband is being utterly ridiculous and petty. Supposed to be a partnership and should be supporting you. What if you were to ask him to pay you back for meals you've paid for or gifts etc? If he carries on and is serious about it and I was in that situation, he would be an ex Husband 🙈

I don't even have the words for how awful I think your husband is being. I think you are clearly a lovely person for wanting to defend him and reassure us that he is a good man deep down , but he needs to fuck off!

It's not "sacrificial". It's being a husband or wife. That's what marriage is. You sacrificed nothing, @Symposium123 .
Dear lord.
My husband never acted like this. Our money was shared.

You echo pay the relevant percentage according to income towards bills, yet you pay for all groceries and have continued to do so throughout your Mat leave? Do a generic sum of how much extra this has been for however long you’ve been doing this (charge him per meal!) and see how he likes that!