Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Nationwide average rate for a nanny is £13.60
For 10 months work as a live in nanny working 12 hours a day (realistically it’s more than that) he owes you £49,123.2

As a pp said I think it's a massive turn off to think he's actually sat there like scrooge, noting every moment he feels you owe him money.

As pp said look up surrogacy rates and charge him for carrying the baby.
Then charge far far far more for the birth and next 5 months.

Then continue to charge.

Be careful OP. A friend of mine has been made redundant, used all her savings to support herself during this time. She's been doing all the childcare for three kids. Now she confided i me she can't afford new clothes and has to ask her husband and he didn't give her any money. Had a pre booked holiday taking three kids away and couldn't afford much spends. Meanwhile her husband jetted off to Dubai on his own.

I know of someone who had a baby by a surrogate in Tblisi, Georgia. It cost them £120k. I'm not starting a surrogacy argument (controversial I know), just making the point about costs.
He should note that.

Do we have a winner in the bad husband stakes?
That's truly awful.

Tell him you will give him ‘what you owe him’ when he settles his bill for his share of his babies food, incubation and development whilst in the womb and your services in delivering said baby!

If you've used your savings and he has some left he should half what he has left back into your savings.

It’s quite unbelievable that a man would think this way. I think this is a major red flag in your marriage if this is the way his mind works.
I thought marriage was a partnership!

👆

Shamelessly placemarking for the update. Shocking behaviour, but I really hope he is suitably contrite and there is a good outcome for you.

I had a male friend, a self declared feminist, a high earner with a much younger ( over 20 years younger) low earning wife in a starter graduate job working part-time. He proudly announced to me that he wasn’t ‘making’ his wife pay all the childcare when they had a baby. 🙄

He looked at me like he was expecting fawning praise rather than the firm slap down he got.

This!
I would do as the other posters say. Do a breakdown of childcare costs for him, and also write down how much a boob job and tummy tuck would be, as you have housed and birthed that baby, and his body didn't suffer!
What an insufferable dick. Hugs to you x

I hope you gave it with both barrels! Did you tell him that actually, he should be paying a much bigger percentage of the childcare bill than her?

I hope he's joking

When I was on leave because all money was pooled, childcare was paid for as an essential bill, like mortgage and food. Everything remaining after is for disposable or saving. That's the basic understanding he seems to be missing.
If you can't keep up half the bills, do you have to move to a shelter?

Work it how much worse off you are by taking time off work to give birth to and care for his child. I had good maternity pay but was still worse off by £17k. Tell him you will set off his claim and he will owe you the balance.

ps: I did not have to actually worry about my loss of income because obviously my partner provided for us because we are a family.

Bill him for the incubator he's had for the 9 months of you developing HIS baby. There wouldn't be enough money in the world!!! Tell him to have a word with himself. x

I really think discussions about this should be brought up in school. So many boys being raised by the likes of Andrew Tate, who have never thought about the impact of carrying and birthing a child who think they're the ones having a hard time because they're at the office 9to 5!

Write him a bill for loss of earnings whilst looking after his child. Add a compensation claim for future earning that were impacted by taking time out in your career.
What a dick.

next thing will be gas/elec costs and usage whilst on mat leave.

Well, I assume that you were doing the bulk of the parenting, house keeping etc? You were on duty 24/7. Work out how many hours that is and times it by minimum wage, plus National Insurance and employer pension contributions and hand him a retrospective invoice.

I am FURIOUS on your behalf OP. I am getting massive red fag vibes.

Be very very very careful to protect yourself financially going forward. Please please please do this. Please get some good independent financial advice on how to set up the finances so that you are protected should you divorce. It may seem unlikely but just in case.

I think Op once you sit down and talk to him he will hopefully realise that the family values he was brought up in doesn’t make for a good marriage or he will think he’s is really hard done by as you haven’t been bringing in your usual wage in the house and the reality of mat leave pay has made him resentful of him having to compensate. If it is the latter and he doesn’t see you both as a team then I think it will be a dealbreaker as he will of gone back on your discussions beforehand. It will show you that whilst you were paying the larger percentage he was happy but when it’s the other way round he is a mean tightwad who feels owed! He will feel resentful of having to pay out a larger percentage of his wages when you return to work as there will be an extra bill for childcare or he will expect you to pay the whole amount.

This too. As well as a bill for childcare and housekeeping 24/7