Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

If he is giving her a bill for what she owes him during her mat leave then this is actually a way to point out how deeply deeply unfair, petty and sexist it is. He will either see sense and apologise or he will get the hump. One would have me running for the hills.

Bloody Hell! What is it with these men???! You had already spoke about finances so why spring this on you. Has he suddenly decided you don't count as a partner. If so what are you to him?

I nearly said I would like to know what goes on in their minds but actually, on second thoughts, no!

Always quick to kick a woman when she is vulnerable. Kick him to the kerb as the Yanks say

I know the presenting with a bill seems like a reality check for him, but honestly if my husband behaved like this I would be too busy getting my ducks in a row to be arsed.

I couldn't look at him the same way and trust would be over.

He doesn't come from a nice background and unfortunately his rearing is coming out.

Happy to be subsidised by the OP, but the first chance he is required to step up he fails utterly and asks for payment for his own child?

Completely stomach churning stuff.
He's from the dregs of society and he is the dregs of society.

I hope the OP realises and protects herself.

Send him an invoice for one year's full-time childcare and maid services, with night time surcharge. He'll get the picture.

Yeah I agree. No one does this stuff in real life surely unless they’re already planning a divorce 😳😂

This exactly. He’s shown his true colours and it may be a blip due to his upbringing but it could lead to something more down the road.

OP will need to keep her wits about her with this one for sure.

Honestly id think about leaving now. He's shown you how your next 18 years will be.

Sounds like your DP is a bit thick, I don't get all the dramatics re not continuing the conversation with him and doing a eastemders type thread to canvas opinions (which all say the same and rightly so)

What's happened to having good communication? Talk to each other- learn to deal with confrontation regardless of how difficult it may be.

Instead of fannying around with the presenting of bills, time can be saved by simply telling him to get fucked.

In his marriage vows, he promised "...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part", did he not?
I'd ask him why he has waited until you are at your most vulnerable before he decided to break that promise. It is not the action of a loving husband and father.

I am so sorry that;

1. your husband does not have the same view of marriage that you do - that you are a family who works together, to achieve a common goal. In a marriage, everything from love, effort, housework and finances are pooled.
2. your husband does not have respect for your time, devotion, love and labour as a mother - the most precious role in life.
3. he is greedy and selfish.

your husband doesn’t sound like a keeper. If I were you, I’d be telling him that soon there would be paperwork to make clear, what HE will owe YOU.

People are getting really really worked up on this thread.

Yes he's insane for asking, but at least explain why it's so wrong and give him the chance to make amends. He's made a stupid suggestion probably based on poor advice, not cheated or gambled away their life savings.

We don't know yet whether he's misguided or a total bastard. We DO know this is out of character.

I think I’m in over 300 usernames as always changing it for something f new so I’m not identified!

Jesus Christ- tell him you'll be billing him for half of everything he has in divorce court.

Your bulletpoint plan sounds fab.

You also probably want to take this opportunity (if he does apologise sufficiently to stay with him) to review finances in general. As well as splitting bills you might want to have a joint spending account for family expenses. You already pay for groceries but it could very easily segue into you paying for all the daily expenses for the baby apart from the childcare bill. As the child gets older the expenses get higher with one off payments for school trips, uniforms, shoes, clubs etc. all falling to you.

I think the reason this is so distressing to read is that he’s essentially saying that everything you have done for the last 19 months is has no value / is worthless / is some trivial hobby .

So conceiving and growing his child, all the work and stress and discomfort and pain of pregnancy, labour , delivery, post partum recovery, breastfeeding and caring for a tiny baby 24/7 - it’s all just some self indulgent hobby that you need to pay for yourself, nothing to do with him.

As if you had taken 10 months off work to do an embroidery or train for a marathon.

It’s not just that he doesn’t value YOU, it shows that he doesn’t value his child. Let alone love either of you.

Apart from billing him for childcare, do not forget to add incubator time and pushing out stress and damage to your body.

Nail on head boring. That’s why this thread is triggering strong responses. I don’t know this guy obviously but I hate him.

If you split the bills based on % of income then I think he will find he should have been picking up well over half the bills while you were on SMP!

The person who voted YABU is clearly OPs husband: the rest of us think he is insane.