Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

What in the hell no did I just read? Wow. Just wow! Your DH is a prize plonker of the highest order. Does he expect to contribute nothing towards the child other than the 2 puffs and a pant it took to get you pregnant? Utter bs. No you are not being unreasonable in thinking your husband has lost the plot. Nip this in the bud immediately x ps congratulations on your baby!

I am well and truly shaken AND stirred!

Dying to read your update where he tells you his reasoning. And/or where he tells you what is then his reasoning when you present him with an invoice of what he is owing you.

Bill him like that country song
that ends in paid in full

then divorce the prick

Add a 0 to his figure and tell him that's what he owes you for 9 months of pregnancy and labour. Then tell him every day your child is sick and you miss work his paying your wages that day as its only fair he makes up the shortfall. I would point out child maintenance will cost him far more if you decide this is enough to put you off staying with him.

I know people want to split expenses in a way that feels fair. However, part of being married and being a family is that things happen. You have a kid, or god forbid someone gets sick, you all have to adjust.

He’s treating you like a roommate not a life partner/family member.

As people have said here find out what a typical nanny gets paid and invoice him for that. You’re a family you’re not flatmates who found each other on Craigslist. Sometimes in a family you have to do a little more than you expected to, energy wise or financially. That’s why they used to put all that ‘in sickness and in health’ language in the vows, family life is a series of ups and downs for everyone.

Good grief.

I’d say to him that I was really shocked by his comment as I thought he understood that the reality of parenting is our responsibilities include both direct care and providing financially for the baby, and whilst I’ve been doing more direct care he’s been doing more financial provision. Once I’m back at work that will even out so we both do some of each, and the remainder of the direct care we will have to pay for as I won’t be able to do it for free during work hours and save us money anymore. Then I’d be showing him childcare centre costs so he understands what he’s up for half of once you’re working again, and of course we’d need to discuss how he’s going to adjust his work hours to share pickup and drop off.

His response to that would guide whether I stuck around or not.

Bill him £1BILLION for the act of childbirth alone.
And £5MILLION per month per each month of pregnancy.

Hand him an actual paper, written-out “payment due” statement, due upon receipt.

Two can play this ridiculous game.

This for me has summed up exactly what I would want to do.
Your going to have to put your big girls pants on and confront him with this otherwise he thinks this behaviour is ok and god knows what other gems he has for later.

Make sure to bill him five million for putting your body and life at risk to have his baby. Five million per child.

If he says he is serious and you are able to stay calm you say slowly and coldly, ‘so let me few this straight. I grew our baby for 9 months, gave birth, then looked after our tiny baby for months for you, and now you want ME to pay YOU?? Surrogacy in the uk costs about £50k, and surrogates don’t look after your baby for you around the clock for the first year, so by my calculations you owe me £65k, including a 50% discount on looking after the baby so we share that equally.

Is this just a post to annoy people? You can't really be asking AIBU when you are being financially abused

The OP sounds like she has her head screwed on to me. I'm glad she started the thread. If it annoys you, don't read it, there are plenty of others.

Honestly? I don't think ever advised this on here but I'd leave him. How dare he!!!

Once you have the necessary 'discussion' about his bloody stupid 'reasoning' why he thinks that you owe him money for mat leave, you'd best follow it up with the future costs you'll both be paying, and pointing out, clearly, so he can't 'not understand', what the future will look like for BOTH of you.

The baby will cost money. A LOT of money. So ALL costs relating to baby WILL come out of the joint account.

So all nappies, milk, wipes, clothes, toiletries, toys etc will be coming out of the JOINT account (and NOT simply added onto your shopping !)

HE will be taking equal time off work to take baby to vaccination/medical appointments, doing 50% of drop offs and pick ups for nursery, as well as taking turns to stay home when baby is sick.

HE will be paying 50% of nursery costs, AND doing equal childcare in the evening and weekends so that you BOTH get rest time. This will include bath/ bedtime/ breakfast/ night wakings/ dressing/ social activities e.g soft play, parks etc etc

HE will also be doing 50% of ALL housework/home admin, again, so that you both get equal rest/social time.

The reality is that if he can 'misunderstand' how you both contributed to having this baby, it's 100% likely that he has some weird and totally selfish expectation that somehow HE will be able to keep doing and paying for what he has always done, and that it will be YOUR job to do EVERYTHING ELSE !

Set him straight.

OP, some other PP have pointed out and I think it bears repeating, he expected contributions to bills to be split at a % according to your different incomes prior to this baby, in his favour as he earned less.

Now, when your income has massively reduced during maternity leave, he expects you to still contribute a higher % as if you were still earning? wtf??

That logic right there is utterly flawed.

Bill him:

• 50% of the cost of what a surrogate would charge
• 50% of the cost of a private live in nanny for 10 months
• the amount you lost on not having pension contributions
• 50% of the cost of a regular cleaner (assuming you're doing most of that)
• 50% of the cost of a daily chef (assuming you do most cooking)

Then going forward tell him you're no longer prepared to subsidise his lower wage and when you're earning again you expect him to contribute 50% of all household costs.

Hopefully that shows him how ridiculous, misogynistic and cruel his "joke" was.

He has some massive grovelling to do.

If I were you my vagina would have dried up and clamped shut at his comment. I might even have got the ick and once you've got the ick there's no coming back, it's the beginning of the end of a relationship IME.

He needs to REALLY understand how out of order his comment is.

I'm amazed at the shitty things husbands do and then get surprised when wives leave. Do these men not want to stay married? WTF is wrong in their brains?

OP I read your post out to my DH…he was speechless. We have 4 now adult DC, I’ve worked on and off throughout their life (I now work full time). My DH has never questioned my financial contribution to our family pot or what I spend. It wouldn’t enter his mind to do so.

If your marriage is so transactional to him , have bills ready for the 24/7 childcare you are providing , alongside and more than likely cooking , housekeeping duties , and laundry .

It's quite unbelievable... except I can believe it.
I'd be saying:

" So after our conversation last week, I presume you where joking right ?"...." Oh you weren't, well in that case here is what you owe me"

Then hand over a prepared invoice:
50% of the cost of a surrogate
50% of all pregnancy related costs... maternity clothes, nursing bras, sanitary pads etc etc.
50% of any costs you've bourne for the baby such as cots, toys, clothes, playgroup, car seats , paint on the nursery wall etc.
50% of child care costs...i would use cost of maternity nurse for first 12 weeks and day nanny. Then nursery plus night nanny, as this what he'd have to pay for if you weren't there.

And smile sweetly...

Sometimes I read threads on here and think - is the bar really so low for men nowadays? Do some women just put up with anything?
Then I read posts like the OP's and think, well, standards have been plumbed here.
He's cruel.
Don't put up with it.

Hey OP. Fwiw, I’m a husband and father. Your partner is crazy - firstly for thinking it’s even reasonable for the mother of your child to support herself while she’s bringing up YOUR fucking kid. Secondly, even if your hubby had that passing thought - that inside voice should never have come out of his mouth. Your DP is a fucking moron.

If he's serious he needs to compensate you for the pregnancy, childcare, effect on employment of taking maternity, the shortened lifespan from being pregnant... Somewhere in the ballpark of 200-500k should cover it depending on what you earn. I'd also bung in a bit extra for all the time you've earned more than him, 50% of the difference in your wages sounds fair to me.

As well as billing him for childcare, I’d also be tempted to throw in billing him for your missed earnings whilst iI had his baby. What a complete twat!

I think someone in his family have said something and because he’s used to how they do things, somehow thought it was reasonable. It isn’t.

Good luck