Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Re-bill him the higher amount of a) 12 months of childcare, 5 days a week at £85 a day (my local nursery price) would be approx £21200. Or b) what were your lost earnings? E.g. £40k pa and you got SMP of e.g. £6000 that’s a loss of income before tax of £34k.
you cared for his child, took on a 24/7 job and reduced your earnings as a result, not to mention the lifetime damage to your body. Please post back an update x

Oh I am shamelessly posting here to placemark for an update.

Another man who thinks looking after a child has no value whatsoever

Find surrogacy and childcare rates and bill him for those

I've never bothered commenting on a Mumsnet post and usually just read a bit of the chaos and move on. But this is really sad. Your husband has put zero value on raising his child. I would total up what he would owe you in lost earnings, and also what he'd owe you if you'd been employed to look after a newborn baby day and night, 24/7 not to mention the physical and mental toll becoming a mother does to you that you can't put a price on!

If I were in your position I would tell him, not ask, that you're booking you both in for some relationship counselling because you're concerned he doesn't actually value what you've done for your and his child, and that this is an unusual stance to think your own wife can owe you money. Another comment you've said his family are a bit weird with money, so getting to the bottom of this with someone impartial can help you both understand each other and hopefully repair your relationship going forward.

I don't say this lightly OP, but really if this is true then I'm afraid I'd LTB before your life gets even worse

What an utter, utter bastard.

I've just read your thread Op & I'm completely flabbergasted. Completely agree with this post!

Coming in a little late but have some of his Bat-shit-Crazy-about-money-family suggested this?
He would get a mouthful from me & told to F off sharpish if he’s Not joking & if he’s joking it is in VERY BAD TASTE!! & still get told to F off!!

Out of interest, what is his input regarding cookery, housekeeping, shopping, and all the other life admin? Because if that's all on you, then you can bill him for that, as well as the childcare you'll be doing.

If it was a joke, it was poorly delivered and timed.
If it wasn't a joke, he's a twat.

Wow - a converse situation, I am currently on mat leave and my husband has been dumping an extra large share into the joint account so psychologically we are “touching” savings fewer times (even though they aren’t growing). this means we effectively both have an equally fun reduced budget (after bills).

If it was a joke, it was poorly delivered and timed.
If it wasn't a joke, he's a twat.

This sums it up. Prepare your bill for carry and birthing your joint child, and 24 hour childcare, cheffing, cleaning, household management, loss of earnings and pension, damage to your body... then hand it to him and watch his face turn grey.

He will owe you a lot more than he reckons you owe him!

Simply put:

• Pre-baby you were the breadwinner. You both paid a percentage of the bills/outgoings, dependent on your incomes. You were paying more than him, helping to support him due to him having a lower income.

• During maternity leave you had a much lower income, due to giving birth to a child you both planned. You sacrificed your body, career and income in order to care for this shared child. Your incomes have now switched so that he is now (temporarily) the higher earner. However he wants to completely re-write your shared previous financial agreements - he does not want to pay a higher percentage of the bills/outgoings, despite him earning much more than you. He suddenly thinks things should be 50/50.

• I presume you will be going back to work and will be soon earning more than him again? What does he propose happens going forwards. Does he think that as soon as you are earning more than him again, that you should be supporting him again as the lower earner?!!!!!

As others have said - counter bill him for 24/7 childcare, that he has saved on while you were on mat leave.

Also calculate however many years you have been paying a higher proportion of the bills, due to you earning more than him. How much more than him have you paid while he was the lower earner over the years? Ask for that backdated, as using his own logic he now owes you that right?!

Give him a bill labour £150 for every half hour, perineal tears £500, pregnancy vomiting & nausea bill him. Breast feeding per feed, EBM is worth more than gold, charge him, your making milk did doesn’t come free. How much would it cost him to employ a nanny to get up all night. Love to see his face, he is a knob.

We've always done proportional splits. So (made up values for ease) if we each get £2.4K a month, we split all 50/50. If I was on maternity leave and getting £800 and he £2400 then he would pay 75% of a bill and me 25%. If I went onto unpaid leave then he'd be funding entirely.

We were lucky that the money from SMP and his salary covered everything essential. If it hadn't and all salary used up would have gone to 50/50 savings.

I’m gobsmacked I can’t believe I’ve just read this
I do hope you don’t give in to this man
I’m in utter shock I feel for you

Mmmmm, yes I remember my now ex husband screaming that he’d had to financially support me when I had our baby. Bit like when I picked up DS from after schools club and was pulled aside because DH had taken it badly when they had presented him with the bill once.

I hope you get the bottom of this and if your heart tells you this will set the scene for the future, you’ll need to think about your your and dc future with him.

DS now 18 and ex h owes him money in unpaid wages. His view was that he brought up ds (he fucking didn’t) so DS ‘owes him’.

He owes YOU £50k for carrying and birthing his child and more on top for looking after his child 24/7 for the past 10 months.

Is he for fucking real??? Outrageous!

As others have said - tell him to fuck off; then bill him for the childcare.

Going forwards - STOP paying a % for bills and all the food shopping.
It's a straight 50/50 for EVERYTHING - including the food & childcare bill - it's not your fault you have a better paying job and he's mooching off you!

He's shown you who he is - now protect yourself! (Even if he tries to laugh it off as a joke)
This is the beginning of financial abuse.

Recoup your savings you've lost due to subsidising him / pension top ups etc and create a secret get away fund if you ever needed it.

Wow! LTB.

DH and I agreed that maternity leave would be 50/50. I was very happy with that agreement but we discussed it together. Just randomly saying that you owe him money is awful.

You just finished getting the baby to sleep? I bet he doesn't do that 50% of the time. Therefore he needs to pay you to do it for his 50% of the time, if he wants you to pay for your mat leave. The rates for a skilled person to put your baby to sleep, I'd say are pretty high - he'll be needing to pay those to you.

We women have such low standards.

"He can be selfish and his family are all a bit weird with money... I swear he's usually a very very good man. "

Oh dear.

You owe him nothing. Maybe counter with all you've lost by taking maternity pay and leave to have his child...

Bloke here, my perspective is that he must be winding you up... No one is that much of an arse.
If he isn't, toss him out, as that is mental behaviour.

I'm appalled that he's asked you for money, honestly, that's disgusting. The fact you are even questioning whether this is ok shows how exhausted and broken you are, because the answer is obvious: No, you are not being unreasonable, not on any planet is it ok for him to say this. Having and caring for a baby is a full time job, and it's the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life. If he wants to play silly buggers, "charge" him for childcare (minimum £6.50 an hour at nurseries but 1:1 would be much higher so "charge" minimum wage or more) for 24hrs x 10 months. That's a cool £83,500. Deduct what he thinks you owe him and then tell him you'll accept a payment plan of £8k a month for the next 10 months! What he has asked is disgraceful and he should be ashamed of himself.

But this brings me on to my second point. You know your husband, and you know his character, and presumably you wouldn't be in love with him if he was an utter tool. So ... Is he ok? Perhaps he's suffering from post baby depression? Men do get it too. Maybe he's absolutely exhausted from broken nights sleep and a day job (I know it's a million times harder for us mums but it can still be a shock to the system for the working parent too) and so his brain is mush?. Is he depressed? When you were the breadwinner did you ever do something similar to him and now he's "getting his revenge"? (Not a justification!!). Is he feeling invisible/ useless/ impotent and wants to drive home the point that "I'm useful too, I've been working hard too, look at all the things I've paid for!". Like a cry for attention?

It's totally normally for marriages to struggle in the first year. Having a baby is like lobbing a grenade into a marriage... Our LO is 20 months and the dust is only just settling really in our marriage. Hang in there, maybe he'll realise just what an abhorrent thing he has said. If he didn't apologise .. then he is a tool.

So no, you are NOT being unreasonable to expect your husband to respect the work you have been doing for the last 10 months, to ascribe a high value to the essential job you've been doing, and to show you love and sensitivity rather than being a massive dickhead about money. You have done an incredible job, mama. Don't let this diminish your amazing time with your baby.

Bill the fucking financial abuser for childcare and tell his family and friends what a fucking arsehole he is.

Obviously he is ridiculous, I've read your updates you split bills by % of wages and also plan to split childcare costs and the rest is your own to keep. This may not work with a child he seems very black and white how will it work with child's clothes, activities such as outings with one parent or playgroups you pay into is he really going to be sitting there calculating how much he's paid to claim it back so to speak? Very strange thing for him to come out with