Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Once baby is here you'll find a voice you didn't know you owned. Comes with having your pelvis wrenched asunder. Concise, to the point and assertive, also has complementary BS filter.

I Am Speechless

I'll tell you what his "reasoning" is.

He's feeling sorry for himself thst he's been (in his eyes) slaving away all these months while you've been (in his eyes) doing sfa. Your sleepless nights and days spent trying to get one chore done without interruption are invisible to him, and he does not value your work as a mother or in the home.

He's also jealous that you've grown into a capable and competent mother who has a strong bond with her baby. He has seen your confidence as a mother bloom.

Diddums has been feeling unappreciated/ that the baby has supplanted him and has decided to cut you down to size.

I'd be having serious second thoughts about this so-called man, @LemonadeShadeParade. He has a side to him that is deeply repugnant.

Please charge him for incubating his child for 9 months plus labour cost !!!! What a horrible man!

Op I've been on mumsnet a while now and this post is honestly the most batshit thing I have ever, ever read on this site. Genuinely.

I cannot believe that any man would actually do that maths even as a joke. Do you have to nag him about money a lot and he's done this as a petty one up manship get you back type of jab?

I just cannot see any world where his mind should ever go there.

This would be enough for me to consider a divorce.

But gently op, I would say that the major red flag for me is that he's seeing you as two separate adults instead of as one team. And that is concerning from someone you've just had a baby with. This is where he steps up and puts his everything into being in this for the long haul good and bad. And this is probably one of the most vulnerable times for most women in any marriage.

Another one here who doesn’t have a clue how your husband has come to the conclusion you owe him anything. I’ve just started maternity leave and had a conversation with my partner this week about money while I’m not working. We normally pay the same amount into our joint account each month for bills but don’t keep track of our ‘personal’ money spent on family things ad hoc. Eg we will both pay for groceries out of our own accounts at times or will pay for coffee or treats for our child out of our own accounts instead of the joint one. When discussing mat leave and pay, my partner said how we’ll be ok as have x,y,z in various accounts between us but not once has he mentioned me owing him anything or having to keep tally of what we’re spending from each account. FYI he has more in savings than me but sees us as a team (as do I) and even though we do have our own separate accounts, when it comes down to it we support each other and our child as though all money is shared. I think that’s the healthiest way to be

My Dh got really upset with me when I was a sahm to a baby and a toddler and said I didn’t feel I could buy myself some new boots as I wasn’t earning. His salary was my salary. Earn same as him now our access to funds totally unaffected by whose earned it.

Is there any chance he has gone into debt or got into some kind of financial trouble whilst you have been on maternity.

It wouldn't at all make his suggestion correct, but I'm wondering whether that might push him to make it.

Just an additional point - you both pay for nursery fees, not just you! Just in case he thinks this is your expense because you go back to work. What a dick, honestly.

You owe him nowt. But then again I'm probably biased i appear to be keeping my boyfriend and get nothing towards bills or anything and occasionally some shopping money and he expects me to buy him a drink everytime I leave the house. Thought that was normal lol

I would find this so completely repellent in a man that I just wouldn't be able to get over it.
How disappointing from the person who is meant to love and care about you most.

Men like this revolt me.

I think your bill for his share of the childcare comes in at significantly more than the 50% of bills doesn't it? Live in nannies are quite expensive.

Outrageous. Surely you can’t countenance a future with him?

This!

He HAS to be winding you up surely???

Oh god - where to start?
firstly - you were pregnant! YOU. Your body grew and nurtured a baby. I really don’t get this modern - ‘we are pregnant’ thing.
Secondly - he does not respect you at all. How on earth was he going to be a father without a woman who needs time off from work to birth and care for a baby. I don’t often say LTB but I could not see a future with my partner if he did this to me.

I am always just totally gob smacked when one half of a married couple comes on here with tales like this or similar - My husband says I owe him, and they come up time and time again

Do people not realise that once married, whats his is yours and yours his? It becomes JOINT. Doesn't matter if you hold separate accounts or how you divvy up the bills - it is joint income. Just try being unemployed and look for benefits when one is still working

Over the 35 years Ive been with my husband - 20+ years married, we have had swings and roundabouts of earnings. When we got together I was the earner and he had baggage , my earnings kept us afloat until he got sorted and then we both earned similar and then his business took off and he was the earner. I became ill, too ill to work and because he was earning I wasnt entitled to benefits , cos they counted his earnings - we were joint

And Im forever grateful that the man I made my partner, also understood, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health

Please make a bill for carrying his child and giving birth to child and also feeding, care etc since child was born. That should set him right! What a complete twat! 🙄😡🤬

What the actual fuck? The baby is his right?

Why?! Do you have kids with him?! What is your reason for enabling him?!

Remind him of this promise he made to you on your wedding day:
"All that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you."

Christ OP! Some people really don't value ANYTHING but money these days. Even their wife caring for their own baby!

WTF have I just read?? I've not even got by the OP it's that scandalous.

I'm sure this has been mentioned to death, but he'll bloody owe you much more if you charge him childcare fees.

I'm sorry you've had a baby with this man.