Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

I feel sorry for OP though because as a new mother and a wife she now has to deal with this head wrecking prick of a DH. I use “D” lightly. I’m sure she doesn’t really want to be divorced and live in a flat or smaller house and have contact/access orders drawn up so he sees his child.

What an absolute prick! You are providing childcare while he works- he would be paying a nursery or childminder if you didn’t do it. Secondly you are married- his money is your money- why on earth would you owe him anything! Sorry but you need a ‘ sit down at the table talk with him” either he changes his opinion on this, or he can sod off!

The thing is now she knows what he really thinks (and he must think this way to tell her, he could think it and not tell her) she’s stuck really. Suppose she ignores this and goes along with it or he backs down. Does she stay with him knowing what he can think? Not sure if I could stay under this scenario.

Just want to thank you all again for the replies, it's definitely made me feel more confident that I'm right in thinking he's completely mental. Just finished getting the baby to go to sleep and I'm completely exhausted. I just can't be bothered to have it out with him tonight. I know many have said I should nip it in the bud straight away, and usually I would because I don't like letting things fester longer than necessary but I really am so tired, I am going to fall asleep!

There's no way in hell I'm paying him though that's for bloody well sure!

You put your health and potentially your life at risk producing his child. You don't owe home, he owes you a debt that can never be re-payed.

He's showing a fundamental lack of respect for you and some serious misogyny. I realise it's hard to image parenting alone but it's really worth considering that he may be more or a burden than a bonus to you, now that you're a mum.

This is a massive, blinding red flag, OP. Don't let this slide. Stand up for yourself and if you get nowhere, start working out what you are entitled to (Inc child support) and how you can take charge of your family on your own. A father who thinks this way is a shit dad and a shit partner.

Put together a bill.for childcare, lost earnings and lost pension contributions, show it to him and say his bill is wiped out and he now owes you money.

Of just lay plans to leave him ..... because craziness like this is rarely isolated.

Thank you @WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet I posted that, not to brag about my life, and not mentioning other ups and downs, but to counter what I read all the time on MN about relationships. If I could go back and choose all over again, I'd still pick my DH, we've been together since early teens and still have a really happy life together. We've had hard times, but we've pulled together and appreciated each other.

I know when I'm well off, but, the beauty of it is that he does too. It always both shocks and saddens me when I read how awful other women's relationships are on a fundamental basis and that they have to ask if they're unreasonable to feel the way they do. If you feel it, that's enough imo.

How awful. I’m so sorry that you have been treated like this. You and your child deserve so much more.

Leave him to his pot of gold. See how much warmth and happiness it brings him. You can’t put a price on a happy loving wife, children, a family….. These things are priceless. Some men will never appreciate them and some will only appreciate them when they are gone.

This is just outrageous OP. Bill him for literally growing another human! I'm so angry on your behalf. You put your life at risk, took time out of work and and career progression for him to even think he can bill you! WTAF!! I couldn't get past this and think that would be it. He is showing who he well and truly is.

My response would be, -

" ok so the baby was born in X month , you have been at work and I have been caring for our child. Had I not lost my wage to do this the baby would have been in childcare. I've priced up full time childcare at £1500 per month so split in half you owe me £750 per month since baby was born"

@LemonadeShadeParade you look after yourself and gather your strength, your anger and how to articulate your perspective.

You sound like a strong woman and you know you can tackle all of this in your own way and your own time. Do that. Just don't be brow beaten or settle for less than the right thing 💐

Good lord. No, no and fuck no! He needs to rethink this, rather swiftly……

Is he having a laugh? Who does he think looked after also HIS child for the 10 months! Tell him you want an hourly rate for his half of the childcare you did so he could work!

Hard fucking no! How can he not understand. This is not what family is. Also being obsessed with money is a gross personality trait. Maybe don't mention it again and next time it comes up laugh and say "oh I thought you were joking! I didn't realise you actually said something so absurd"

I would t raise it either @LemonadeShadeParade. If he raises it again, meet it with: “Good God, this again. I thought you were joking”.

You'd actually be better off with another man.

This one isn't a man.

No you're not being unreasonable for all the reasons you've clearly stated. Next time he raises the issue say this.
"I thought about what you said, there are things I need to bill you for, so maybe we should talk".
He'll ask you to elaborate and at that point, you take out your list and irrespective of what ever he says, just keep reading...

Things that would be on my list might be, hmm! Let's start with conception, the sex you had to conceive, I'll bill that by the hour. The health care, rest and hospital appointments ?I'll bill that at my professional rate for work and it comes to.... etc. etc. Everything, from washing his clothes to cooking, bedroom time, scratching his back while he watched a film....you can think of loads I know know you can. Then give him the list. Look him straight in the eye and tell him if he disrespects you any further with this absurd chat regarding what he thinks you owe him he'll be given a bill for the next thing coming, give him a chance to guess what he thinks you'll be billing him for next, and a clue, it begins with D.

Go girl and be mighty...

Given he was saved by the bell. And the awkward silence before it i doubt he'll raise the subject again.

This is the only reasonable action! Do it! How much is 10 months of nursery fees round where you are? In fact this was one on one care, he owes you Norland Nanny money!

This with the bells on.
Also, bill first six week at neonatal rate bcs no one registered would take a newborn.
And run to the hills.

I think women in equal relationships with kind men don't post. I don't believe every man is bad, but there are some that are misogynistic and selfish at best and abusive at worst.

Looking forward to hearing how you tell him to fuck off (as my advice is certainly to tell him to fuck off?)

Better question, " Do you realise you're an utter bastard?"

He ate the food she bought with her savings.

The mind boggles.

TBH I'd be tempted to counter-invoice him for all of the overpayments you've made to the joint account over X number of years, plus interest.

What a silly man.