Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

1% has voted YABU.. really!

Time to make him an ex husband!

All the best, but seriously would he rather be a give and take couple who are a team and a family, or would he rather be a tit for tat couple who keep account of every measly little thing on account of being ‘fair.’ If that’s what he wants life will be miserable, with constant I put the washing in, I put out the bins, it’s tiresome

10000000% bill him for your time doing childcare. And remember overnight is overtime.

In fact that's how I'd restart the convo. I'd print one out, and say "Oh remember that Bill for my maternity leave, here's mine to you for childcare services"

I’d be torn between a simple ‘go fuck yourself’ and making a super detailed spreadsheet showing all your financial losses due to maternity leave and including pension contributions, plus your charges for childcare hours and any extra household tasks you took in because you were at home.

I might do both actually

You're fooling yourself if you think he's a good man

When you earn more you pay a larger proportion of the bills and why do you also pay for all of the food? Doesn't your DH eat anything? When you've been on mat leave caring for your joint baby he's expecting you to pay as much as you used to. He's a cock lodger. When you are back at work he needs to pay half of childcare and do half of household chores too. In future I would only pay half and make him pay half of all bills to teach him a lesson.

Came here to say just that.

Work it out, net off his bill and don't forget to bill him for your services carrying his child. Present him with the revised counter bill.

Fuck him right off and get maintenance and at least every other weekend to yourself.
it will only get worse and worse.
Run now.

Time to draw up a list of how much he owes you/how much money you have saved him.

Include gestation, lactation if baby was BF, childcare, any housework you did over and above your norm, lack of earnings and pension contribution, change to body shape/size/function if this has resulted in needing different clothes/sanitary products.

Once he has had time to digest what a tit he has been, expect a full apology. If it doesn’t come, think very carefully about being so generous splitting bills according to earnings in the future. If he loves 50:50 so much, give him 50:50 for EVERYTHING.

I mean, it doesn’t sound like a joke. I suspect he will try to backtrack though and pretend it was just banter.

So what’s the plan moving forward? You pay him the expenses he’s asked for (minus half of all the extras that you’ve paid) and to make things really fair he takes full responsibility for childcare over the next year. Of course he can do that however he wishes so can take the year off work himself (and still pay his half of all the bills because of course we’re being fair and splitting everything 50/50) or he can stay at work and pay 100% of the nursery.

I’d place a bet now that won’t be overly keen on evening everything up!

You are his wife raising his child and not his business partner. Time he learned the difference. Earned money coming into a family from whatever source should be a joint asset.

Also: if you feel 'confused' about this IMO that already means you have become accustomed to various forms of gaslighting and abuse.

No outsider (expect the weird 1% bot crew that voted YABU) would be 'confused' by how awful this was.

He's actually monetising your child here. It's unforgiveable.

Just for your perspective, I have been married for 45 years, to a husband who was born in the 50s.

I took very long, extended periods to be a SAHP and he worked extremely hard with long hours and was a high earner while I contributed nothing financially. Subsequently I was the higher earner, it was swings and roundabouts.

Not once, ever, has there been any quibble over money. I always had full access all the time to all our money, which was considered family money.

We are a team, he has always fully acknowledged my contribution in the home and that he could never have had the career he had without my support, so he's regarded our contributions as equal.

Regardless of how you work out your family life, you need to be on the same page and you shouldn't settle for anything less than that.

Divorce babes, divorce

I wouldn't be entertaining a 'conversation' with him about this

I would just make it clear that if he WAS serious, then you will be divorcing him and he can start packing.

The fact you had a “serious panic” and questioned yourself is scary in itself.

Please do, I hope it goes well.
I just wanted to add: you have nothing to be embarrassed for. I guess you are a first time mum, but if you aren't it works as well: motherhood has a way of shattering fake illusions. You are indeed very brave to be engaging in your disappointment instead of choosing to be in denial. Good luck 🍀

Relationship goals 🙏👏

If he's serious about this I'd be telling his family and friends too.

Came on to say this.

You could add ‘with bells on’ if you’re feeling particularly festive.

Can’t believe what I’ve just read! For your sake, I sincerely hope it’s an inconsiderate joke. If my husband had said that to me I’d have laughed in his face and told him to do one!