Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Yanbu, I suggest you calculate the childcare costs for that period and invoice him for that amount! Tongue in cheek but what an absolute knob he is!

I would sit him down and explain you both had discussed at length about the length of maternity leave you would take and the hit to your shared finances etc and he never mentioned he expected you to owe him money for having his baby! I would also point out the different percentages you both pay towards the monthly outgoings depending on wages and as you usually pay the bigger share you have never considered billing him the amount each month difference as you thought you were a team and you are shocked and hurt.

Calculate 50% of the nursery/childcare fees for the period, then take of what he thinks you "owe him" and tell him he owes you the difference as you have saved him that amount of money by taking maternity leave. You could also add half the cost of your loss of income too, that would be fair.

Wow. Unbelievable. It’s like he thinks he’s done you a massive favour LENDING you money to raise HIS CHILD. Like pp, if that’s the route he wants to go down then make it fair with a childcare bill….10 months is 43.3 weeks. Which is 216.6 days. Which, at £60 a day is £13k bang on.

I’m both outraged and gutted on your behalf.

Honest question but were men honestly always like this? So many threads now with men being cheap, keeping tally, refusing to pay for things, telling people they’re cheating them out of money, and I’m hearing it in rl too, and dh who used to be all ‘our money’ now makes jokes about how my pay wouldn’t cover much, how he keeps us going (he does but no need to say it), how ‘well if we waited to make it from what you’re earning lol’ etc. Sorry to hear this op

So you actually grew a real human being inside your body from his dna. Suffered the pains, discomforts and complexities of that and birthed an actual living human being. Donated your whole body, energy, heart and soul to this tiny dependant living being for 9 months and HE wants to send you a bill?! This is NOT a husband. And not a father. This is a selfish prick.

This is the sort of thing my twat of a brother would say. I'll never forget him "negotiating" with my SIL about why he shouldn't have to change his daughter's nappy. Twat.

Not sure what is going on in his head, that is not an intelligent move and guaranteed to cause tension.

Try to form the response positively, something along the lines of

"I understand and appreciate how much you took on financially while I was on maternity leave. Thank you for supporting our family during that time.

However, I believe that both of us were contributing in our own ways. As pre-agreed, while you managed the bills, I was focused on caring for our new baby which is a crucial responsibility. The alternative was me returning to work and us both covering the costs of childcare from our wages but we made a joint decision beforehand that I would take time off to give our child the best possible start in life. I see this as a shared effort rather than a debt I owe you.

Let's discuss how we can continue to support each other moving forward."

If you have arranged childcare for you to be able to return to work, take a note of the charges. if he still insists you owe him, apply the same charges the nursery will charge for childcare to him, for the time you were off on maternity leave. Tell him that its a bargain as 121 care for a baby is more expensive. He is most likely going to end up paying you!

Ooh and maybe put a charge in there for carrying the child, wear and tear on your body etc. and maybe maternity clothes which presumably came out of your pay.

Stand firm and good luck!

Send him an invoice for your lost earnings whilst raising his baby. It matches how bat shot he is being and might help him to forget about it!

Can't beleive that 1% out of 2409 votes have voted that you are being unreasonable.

Must be some deadbeat husbands/dad's trolling on here

This.

If he is thinking “I” he may as well be single and be “I”.

You've covered the cost of childcare this year, he can cover it all next year.

Wow, I'm so sorry he has said this.

He's wrong, of course, on so many levels. The first of which being his maths is way off. If you pay bills proportionate to your income, then he has failed to recalculate from full time pay to SMP.

If you would like to calculate your £worth this is an interesting tool Unpaid work calculator

How things start off in parenting tends to be how they move forward - it is good to think about what you would like that to look like ... in terms of childcare, housework, mental load, equal downtime etc and have those conversations sooner rather than later.

I like this group Bridging the Gap Community Group on facebook, it examines gaps like this.

Don't be shy about having this convo - he wasn't shy about bringing it up to you!

Take care and enjoy the rest of your maternity leave x

This is a far more constructive post than mine for helping Mr Thickypants understand what he's about 😂.

I've not got time to read the whole thread but please tell me you've taken everyone's advice and calculated the childcare costs and presented these to him....and then let us know his response.

My dh used to top up my lost salary when I was on mat leave and part time.

My gosh, that’s awful, sorry that you’re going through this!

I'd be using a proper commercial rate as a starting point. So 12 hrs of day nanny fees plus 12 hours of night nanny fees, every day for the period. If he does 'help out', deduct each individual hour of his assistance from the bill. It will be far in excess of £60 per day.

If anyone can give me some good sentences to use to help him understand why he's so wrong, I'd appreciate help on how to phrase it because I can just see myself getting my words muddled and eventually just telling him he's a twat!

Quite simply, it's his baby too. You should not be carrying the costs of that, whether it's maternity leave or nappies or baby yoga.

Of course, women are often financially disadvantaged for years to come, as their careers tend to take a back seat to men's careers when they are the ones to deal with school pickups, child illnesses, or worst case scenario if you have a child with severe needs - who gives up their job to cope? Rarely the man. Start here as you mean to go on, and share both the diret baby costs and the loss of earnings.

What is it he thinks you've been doing while you've been off?!!

Fucking hell OP. I'd seriously consider ditching him

Op, please don't give him chance to backtrack by suggesting he was joking. You know very well he wasn't. We all know (reading your op) he wasn't.

I normally roll my eyes when I see people saying to invoice their dp's etc. But in your case I absolutely would follow the guidance above and present him with a detailed invoice of what he owes you.

I wouldn't give him a chance to speak before placing it in front of him and saying 'This is the one and only time I am telling you that should you utter anything like this again, we are over and I'll file for divorce'.

This tosser needs telling straight, with no room for him to try and explain himself. He meant what he said, he gave considerable thought to what he said... I wouldn't give him an inch to explain further - or worm his way out of it once the reality of how dreadful he has been presents itself through your own ITEMISED invoice.

ETA His reaction would decide the future for me tbh.

have heard it all now what an ASS, is he for real our money our baby, i cant say any more without swearing

Send him the bill for womb rent for 9 months and subsequent childcare I guarantee he owes you

Bloody hell, that's shocking and also really calculated, not a moment of madness for him. Do not pay him a single penny! I'm on maternity leave, if my partner did that I'd laugh in his face and he'd be owing me money for maintenance!

Do this.

WTF. Bill for a live in nanny/housekeeper

What a tight weirdo.