Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Also this - 100%. Don't get into arguing the financials - the whole concept of what he has been stewing up and has now told you is rotten to the core.

Get to the bottom of why he thinks this is in any way fair or acceptable - literally what's going on in his mind. Because what he's suggested is indicative of some quite warped thinking, that he needs to address. Sorry you are going through this op - not nice to have this sprung on you. Going back to work can be a bit daunting even at the best of times x

Yep. FT nursery for a child under 2 would be £2k per month around here, he would be paying you back until your baby is in school.

Or you could just dump him, because this man is financially abusive and will probably get worse.

Work out the hours that you have looked after the baby. Research the local hourly rate for private Nanny's in your area, add it all up and divide it by two and invoice him for his half. I would add an extra 5-10k in damages for the sacrifices and changes to your body whilst carrying the child and for the fact you have put your career on hold to raise the baby. think he will be the one owing you money!

This is insane. What is going to happen about childcare? What if your child has needs and one of you needs to work reduced hours. What if you have a second child. How can he be so ridiculous.

So the way you deal with this is by telling him to go fuck himself.

And I hope he's happy to have only one child, because that's the last child you're having with him.

Rent for his baby - (9 months * 5000)/2
growing his baby (9*100000)/2
if you breastfed you need to charge for production of milk
childcare
cleaning
all other things you did while he was working
the numbers above are on the low side, feel free to adjust
I think in the end he owes you and quite a bit???

The 1% who pressed ‘unreasonable’ better have slipped or be drunk / high because that’s the only excuse for saying yes to this sort of nonsense behaviour from him.

I'd be sending him my gestation charges for 9 months , as well as childcare costs for the time you spent at home. What an absolute arse hole. Make this the last child you have with him!

blimey, OP, what a nob you're married to.
You earn more? you both put the same amount into the family pot for all expenses including childcare,
the rest of your salary (and his) goes into your own account to do with what you like.
And what you should like is to have a getting out fund.
Tell him to get to fuck with "you owe me"

Exactly.

Do you both own where you're living OP? And do you have family/friends around?

@WigglyVonWaggly I just assume they're trolls. There's always a 1% however obvious the NBU.

Who's the 1% of twits who think you are being unreasonable...😂

Haven't rtft, but is he usually this hard of thinking? Maybe write down the total amount of your earnings you lost while you were off, and tell him how much salary he owes you?

He needs to pay for the pregnancy, breastfeeding, breast milk all childcare what a total prick !!!! This is financial abuse!! And obviously that's your last baby with him

There are around 21 working days in a month, at around £75 per day childcare fee then split between the two of you means he owes you nearly £800 for every month you were at home. I don't think that it should be a financial tit for tat but perhaps these figures will give him a reality check before you then discuss that a child is a joint responsibility and that a parenting partnership will require one person to earn more £ at some times and one person to do more caring at other times.

The only way this would be okay - and even then not really - is if the baby wasn't his.

He is a knobhead and he is 100% wrong.

Tell him to fuck off, I mean what’s he going to do if you don’t reimburse him??!!

If he’s still insistent, find out the hourly rate for nursery and deduct his half from your ‘debt’. He’ll probably end up owing you money 😂

You need to go in hard and strong in response to this to demonstrate that you refuse to be in a marriage that tolerates this level of disrespect.

I would book a couples counselling session immediately to discuss mismatch in values and what is means to be a team as you build a family.

I'm sure any therapist will assist in making him see what a test he is being and how this mindset is incompatible with a loving marriage.

Nip it in the bud now.

Quite literally dumbfounded

🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tell him to go to fuck as you walk off!!

I think this is the way forward, and if he doesn't respond to this then you need to start thinking about the future because this will only get worse.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm hoping for your sake that this was his spectacularly bad faux edgelord idea of a "joke" (maybe a "what would a tiresome misogynist say?" obnoxious hot take) and because his delivery was interrupted by someone at the door and the subject seemingly dropped, he has no idea you're still thinking about it. I'm not saying this to excuse him in any way, just saying that it's possible that he's clueless and immature and not a full-on intentional self-aware arsehole.

Something I'd consider before initiating your discussion: the two of you decided together that you would be the primary caregiver during your maternity leave, but is he acting as if this is his baby as much as yours during the time he's not working? Is he eager to "parent" during the time he's not working, even giving up things he normally likes to do to spend time with his child and give you a little personal time after you've been baby-focused all day? Is he naturally doing his half of the hard work of parenting (adjusted for the fact that you are on leave, and given that he has to fit it in around his work responsibilities) and not just the fun parts? Is he acting like your lives have both changed to centre a baby and he's picking up extra financial responsibilities and you extra hands-on work for now, because that's what works best for the benefit of the family/your child? Or is he acting like YOUR life naturally has changed, but his needn't much? This, I think, tells you more about the situation than his one unclear comment, however bad it was.

Finally - if you're in the UK, remember that in addition to "shared parental leave", there is still a small specific allowance for "paternal leave" which you lose if not taken as it can't be converted to any other type of leave. Although it wouldn't give him the full picture of what it's like to be pregnant, give birth, and recover from the physical toll, perhaps a little bit of time officially being the "primary" or "default" parent AND seeing how that disrupts work life/career progression as well as daily routine could be good for your husband's perspective.

C

And childbirth, and 10 months gestation!

Wasn't exactly pulling his weight there, was he?!

So in his mind, you were to carry on contributing exactly as before AND take on an additional job of all the childcare for 10 months. And he was to carry on contributing as before and...oh, and nothing. So his life shouldn't change but your burden doubles?

I'd love to know his logic.

Is he thick?

This is shocking. You need to ask him if he is making a poor taste joke with you.

Listen to others on here, being a parent is a full time job. Especially a mother on maternity leave.
As others have said, bill him for childcare, make sure that you be as petty as him. Look up childcare costs per hour, and how many hours a day you provide care for your child. So 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Not 9-5 5 days a week.
Make sure to include your loss of earnings since starting maternity leave, and put that on top. Along with the days off that you had to go to pre natal appointments.

Your husband doesn't really understand what he signed up for when marrying you, you growing a baby, birthing the baby and caring for the baby. Basically, his only contribution was cumming inside of you if he think you owe him money.

Does he have secret debts perhaps?

Marriage and raising a family is a team effort. You owe him nothing other than a healthy and happy child, which he also needs to provide for.