Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

I'd invoice him for personal injury costs at the going rate,particularly if youhad a tear or a c-section. There is a government website that has compensation rates.

You also say you split everything proportionately, so while you were on mat leave he had to pay more.

Finally, he has shown you who he is. I'd believe him. If he said this and you protested and he said it was "bantz" or "a joke" you'd know you'd called him out. This isn't a joke, this is who he is.

You don't even have to make it up.

To my surprise, Google was able to tell me that a wet nurse can get paid around 3k a month.

I'd second that.
This is the first time I've ever seen something like this, it's truly offensive, miserly and selfish.
Good luck OP. Really feel for you on this - what a fucking horrible insight into his mind you've had - and really, really hoping it's a (not funny at all) joke.

I think next time he mentions it, you just say haha yes and you owe me £2000 for childcare!

And the rest! @Turnups. The average cost of a full time nursery place in the UK is £305.11 per week. That's £15,865.72 per year. OP has cared for their baby for almost a year.

And at least £50 000 for carrying and delivering the baby

As well as least the price of 3 full time nanny who are rotating 24/7 to look after his child

Then work out what savings you have used and add them on

What you have cut back on

Add on lost earnings

Add on your maternity clothes and things you have brought

Ask him to actually have a head wobble and reverse the positions in his head

What An absolute bellend and it is abusive and controlling

Then there's the cooking, cleaning, laundry and loss of earnings to consider...

This is genuinely shocking, it is completely mad. Why not suggest 50/50 since he likes to make sure everyone is paying their way fairly. Also you need to bill him for the groceries, and also the childcare you provided. He’ll probably end up owing you some money.

Yup. If he wanted you at work during that time he’d have to figure out how to pay his share of childcare.

But more to the point, you should be a team on this because it’s a shared child. And you’re married so you should be a team in general. Unless you’ve carefully arranged it differently, his earnings are legally yours (and yours are his) so it’s stupid to treat anything between you as loan or owed money.

Sorry, what have I just read?

I would send him the figures for the equivalent period of childcare for a very young baby and let him have a good think about how much money it would cost him.

If you are the higher earner I would also calculate (to the pound) how much extra you have paid to support him as the lowest earner for the entire duration of your relationship.

This is outrageous and sounds like financial abuse.

No partner should be financially disadvantaged more than the other for maternity or parental leave. BOTH partners are equally responsible for childcare and need to shoulder the cost.

The best and fairest way to do this is for the parent working outside the home to transfer 50% of their salary to the parent working at home to provide childcare (less SMP) and then both continue to contribute equally for bills from your respective 50% shares. That allows you to continue having financial freedom, rather than depending on handouts from the parent working outside the home.

I can tell you one thing. When you have a baby with someone, you find out exactly who they are deep down, and he's just shown you who is he (for the avoidance of doubt, a piece of sh*t)

100% this

This cannot be real. Does he understand that you're married and have shared assets?
Does he understand why you were off work?
He must be exceptionally unpleasant, thoughtless, selfish and greedy.
If you divorced, you'd get half of the assets.
Go for it.

If he’s seriously got a piece of paper with month by month figures then you should produce your own piece of paper with month by month nursery fees on it - that you would have occurred by going back to work earlier.

Even if divided in half as you say you’ll be splitting nursery costs 50/50 I bet his balance he owes you is bigger.

Honestly OP

YABVU not to:

a) Tell him to fuck off
b) Present him with a huge invoice for childcare.

Breastfeeding is more than a full time job so maybe send him an invoice for all the hours you have worked feeding his child, at National minimum wage? I think that would make the point.

I don’t know the stats for formula but given you also have to prep it, it’s at least as time consuming.

Then an FYI at the bottom: what his CMS contributions would be if you weren’t together.

Print it all, hand it to him silently. Hand him the baby. Go out and let that all sink in for a couple of hours.

Then send him this message: either we are a family, raising this child as a team, or we aren’t. Let me know which option works for you, but just so you’re aware neither of them involves me paying you any money. Cunt.

Outrageous.

This level of meaness speaks volumes about the guy's character. It won't change, it'll be deeply ingrained. I would show him the door and the sooner the better.

That's fine. I did report to Mumsnet. The whole "I'll talk about it when it next comes up" comment is super strange.

Stairs, I was thinking that too, and wondering if I was being too cynical. But if so, it's a terrible way to go about trying to find the money to pay back debts, treating his wife in such an appalling manner. He is no husband, and no father.

Is this a wind-up? Are you business partners or husband and wife?

Do not play this game of calculating how much he owes you. That is giving validity to the faulty underlying premise.
Marriage is a partnership ... he needs to be informed of that, even if it comes as a revelation to him.

I only read half your post because I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!
Why don’t you work out how much money you’ve lost each month by being on maternity leave and hand that to him, let him know that’s what he owes you for taking time out to grow, birth and raise his child

Total up how much he owes you for child care if he's serious, then walk out of the door.

If he sees you and your baby as a cost centre, I'd be taking said baby and sodding off. While that might sound unhelpful right now, his thinking is NOT NORMAL and does not bode well at all.

He should be grateful for what he has in you and your and child. But instead he's thinking about what you 'owe' him. Wow. What did he think his marriage vows were about, exactly?

Sometimes when a baby arrives, a father pathetically resents not feeling like No. 1 any more. Also sometimes when a baby arrives (or after marriage), some men think they can treat their partner badly because she is now somehow trapped. Just know that you're not trapped. Don't keep this to yourself and online strangers - people who behave like this thrive on secrecy.

My partner is a massive tight arse very careful with money but would never conjure up this type of crazy shit. It sounds like he's trying to trap you in a sense of debt. Whatever happens, please make sure you start to save your own nest egg for future use because he's showing you who he is and you should take note. @Beamur put it perfectly.

PS As I'm sure he realises, if you were working hard to 'pay him back', that would affect your ability to put aside your own savings. It sounds like an attempt at financial abuse to me.

In America, surrogate mothers get paid $60,000 upwards while sperm donors get about 100. Obviously you'll cover half of that as it's your baby too, so he owes you at least £24,000, and that's mate's rates. Plus half the cost of the 24-7 nanny service you've been providing (less any childcare he's done, let's be fair). Naturally if you've been breastfeeding the fee for that is sky-high.

Two can play at this kind of "joke". Print him an invoice.