Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Also send him this thread

My husband has always been of the view that we are a team and share everything but he tells people now that his biggest eye opener was, way back in the early 90s, when we read an article in newspaper about a chap whose wife died and his ensuing financial struggle. DH decided that he needed to insure me just in case and, as part of that planning had to cost out what he would pay to replace everything like childcare, transporting children about, cleaning, cooking, etc. Even back then the total bill was about £50k per year which was more than he earned!
I would cost up what you are saving him, subtract the money you have paid and give him a bill!

Obviously OP is to say no to his request. Or leave him. But if she doesn’t leave him then, going forward, she has to continue paying more as she earns more. Anything else is financial abuse.

Him trying to abuse her does not make it OK to then do the same back.

I would leave the guy, but OP might not. And they have to find a way forward without anyone taking advantage of anyone else.

Report it to mumsnet if you think there is something hinky.

I wouldn't wait for it to come up naturally, I think you ought to tackle this now. I would also be wondering what else he is thinking, for instance will he assume it's on you to take time off if the baby is ill or will you share that burden? What about night waking due to illness or teething when you both work? Both of these will impact YOUR job and therefore possible promotions and future earning power, which will have a knock on effect of a reduced pension.

Did you also know that men start showing their nasty abusive streak once they think a woman is trapped, ie pregnancy or during maternity. Keep your eyes open.

So he expects you to owe him for not being able to work because you were looking after the baby. Who is paying for the nursery fees when you work? Has he seen how much this costs? What about primary school pick up and drop off? It is as everyone has said ludicrous that he expects you to be able to absorb not working for the benefit of the family and carry on contributing as before. As many others have said 50:50 isn't fair when the income is different. I would be livid and very upset, its attempting to put you in a difficult position and disrespectful and create an unfair and controlling financial situation at home. It completely needs nipping in the bud. Very unfair not to mention it at the time this money was 'lent'.

HRTFT and I'm sure it's already been said a hundred times, but bill him for childcare at a rate of at least minimum wage, for the period after your SMP kicked in. You can then balance how much each of you owes...!

You earn more so have been effectively subbing his lifestyle for however long but he wouldn't afford the same courtesy for 10 months.

This isn't a marriage 🙁

He's actually the Father of your child billing you for carrying and giving birth to his child?

You both discussed all of this? Prior to becoming pregnant?
Why did you ever agree to any of this?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is behaving like your husband is. This is only the beginning.

I’d send him a massive bill for the childcare, cleaning , laundry and cooking you’ve done over the last 10 months ☹️

Well he owes you £10k for giving birth, £10k for the pregnancy carrying his child , and £10k compensation for the stretch marks and physical changes now you had his child. Hit the moron with these figures.

On what planet…..?!
Just to double check you are his pregnant wife not his flat mate?
Jesus!

It's not actually my first post. I just name change when I post about something new so I don't get people derailing the thread about something I posted about a year ago. Inevitably there is always someone who snoops through all your previous posts trying to find something unrelated to comment on 🤣 I am one step ahead of you @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy ! 😝

This

So many women find out who their husbands really are once they have a baby. Your DH sounds like a prize cunt to be honest. This isn't a joke, he's obviously for real. Even if you talked him "out of it", I still wouldn't want to stay with a man who thought this was OK on any level - even for a fleeting second. You deserve so much more than this OP.

Hand him a melon and tell him when he passes it whole out of his anus then you will consider it. Then hand him an invoice at the going rate for childcare, cleaning, laundry etc and loss of earnings and pension. Walk off.

@LemonadeShadeParade

If it hasn't been discussed yet, you better find out from him how he expects childcare to be paid for. So many men seem to think it's the wife's sole expense. Because, you know "it's enabling YOU to go back to work". No, asshole, it's enabling BOTH OF US to keep our jobs!

I think your basic strategy of "WTAF!", "Explain yourself!!", and then the full Nuclear are the way to go.

But just for shits and giggles, take your full wage for the period you'll be off work less your total stat mat pay. That's your 'wage loss' whilst you're off due to childbearing and childcare. Take that figure then divide by two. Since you 'lost' those wages due to a mutual decision to have a child together, then 1/2 of your lost wages should by rights be covered by him, because you know, it's 'half his child' that you lost those wages for to carry, birth, and care for before returning to work. If you're lucky that figure will equal or exceed what he thinks you 'owe' him. If it equals then tell him you're square. If it exceeds, give him a bill and tell him you'll pay him after he pays you. If it's less, then say nothing and tell him to get to fuck!

Jeez, this idiot is lucky he doesn't live here in the US. No such thing as statutory maternity pay (or its 6 wks max). If he was here, he'd be 'stuck' with the whole 'bill'!

Tell him you’ll pay him back when he can push a child out of his body….

Of course it is how it works in any normal partnership / marriage. He is acting as if the pregnancy is something you did on your own and has nothing to do with him.

I really like the idea of presenting him with a bill for childcare and compensation for loss of career progression.

Let's hope he was joking, but if not this is something you need to sort out now for the future, as this attitude could affect all financial aspects of your lives.

I think next time he mentions it, you just say haha yes and you owe me £2000 for childcare! If he’s serious, give him a written break down of childcare costs.
You say his family are a bit strange so benefit of the doubt but strike 2 and he’s out.
Sheer madness to say you own him money and he needs to rethink what he thinks as ‘work’. My fear is going forward is that his attitude to your looking after the child as being valueless continues to impact you. He needs to understand what his role as a parent is and how a marriage is working as a team. Know that your reaction is completely reasonable. Best wishes.

He should be utterly ashamed that he let you pay ANY money during your maternity leave towards the bills.

I'm in the camp of billing him for:

50% of 24/7 childcare
50% of your lost income
100% of your missed pension contributions for that period
50% of a made up figure for carrying, birthing, and breastfeeding your joint child.

I noticed how you said you pay in ratio of your earnings, yet he had the audacity to expect you to contribute whilst you weren't even earning (and no stat MP is not earning, it's a pittance). He's a disgrace.

Honestly, I'd lose my nut over this. What a prick. Someone's been in his earhole.

I don't think this is LTB territory yet, he has the chance to turn this around, after apologising to your profusely. If he doesn't wise the fuck up, I wouldn't have another baby with him and make damn sure he pays his fair share of childcare costs when you go back to work.

@LemonadeShadeParade
I think it’s really important that, if you don’t divorce him, you need to have a very serious discussion about what happens if one of you need to take a long term absence from work if your child become unwell, or if one of you becomes unwell, or if you lose your job or any of the million and one scenarios that could mean one of you needing a break from work.

Is he on board with you being one unit, or is he not.

I wouldn’t give a second chance for this situation, but you sound like you want to. If you do, have all the answers before continuing things with him.