Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

I had one like this. Despite my supporting him between jobs and working near enough to my DSs birth that he was not responsible for us. His newborn child. He left when my DS was 6 months old.

You now need to tot up how much he owes you. Childcare, support before, all of it.

Childcare is approx. £1,500 a month for me (that doesn't include food or nappies either - just care) so he'd be owing you £1,000 for March.

Tell him it's not going to happen.

Does he split childcare costs with you now?

I think you’re being far more measured than I would be. Please post an update when you do talk to him. Best of luck.

He can get himself a better paying job then.

His career hasn't taken a hit due to parenting leave.

What's stopping him?

Tell him to do one

Check around local childcare options and get their prices... then you can fairly provide him with the invoice for his half of the childcare you provided (at the loss of your ability to work). I sure it will more or less cancel out his calculations.

As for the crassness of it and how you view him going forward then thats for you too decide.

Start getting a plan to leave him.
I'm really sorry 🙏

I've been married 20 years and have 2 kids, I'm sorry to say that I would seriously have considered leaving my husband if he had said this to me.
Even as a joke it shows a total lack of respect to you and your child. It screams entitlement to expect you to look after the your baby 100% of the time and still cover your share of the bills. He is not seeing you as a team, which would be a huge red flag to me.

What is it with all these posts about men who don’t understand that a partnership means sharing.

Was he saving money whilst you were using your savings?

Who paid for baby equipment, clothes etc?

I don't think this is a discussion. I would actually put it in writing. You are a married couple and parents. Having a baby and the mat leave are a joint venture and expense. More than that it is just not a loving response.
If you have been careful to pay proportionately ask him if you want to recalculate it and see how much he owes you.
I'd be very tempted to highlight that you can manage very successfully without him.

If you have been subsidising him by paying bills as a percentage of your incomes, but he is not doing this when your income is lower than his, then in addition to charging him for producing your child, nannying costs and loss of earnings/future earnings etc, you do need to invoice him for the backdated money he now owes you for however many years it was.

DO NOT SPLIT THE NURSERY FEES PROPORTIONALLY!!!

He is equally a parent. If he finds he doesn't have enough walking around money at the end of the month because he pays equally toward the nursery bill, he can get himself a better job.

Unbelievable. I truly hope it's a joke that came out badly. Otherwise it is absolutely dreadful.

I've commented on a few threads recently about the horribly vulnerable position that shit maternity pay puts women in. This is another shocking example. Even the 'lovely men' can see their money as their own, and it's the woman's problem that her pay has dropped to next to nothing.

It's a problem that men simply don't face. Shit SMP is SO SEXIST.

Fucking wanker is he for real?
I think you need to totally up how much you have saved the two of you on childcare etc for the last few months while you have facilitated him working without a care in the world. Don't forget costs of trips to the doctor's etc for jabs.im pretty sure you can soon knock his pathetic bill right back at him.
So sad that people behave like this.
My grandad paid every penny in their household until my gran had a phone installed in 1980 and she paid the phone bill - he didn't know how to use it. Where have the decent men gone eh.

Yes24/7 childcare no doubt. Very pricey. What's the cost of norland nannies these days?

Also Don't forget the equivalent bill for surrogacy of his child and the birthing etc also!

Also cooks bill, cleaners bill, admin/secretary bill, laundry bill.....

Tell the f*cker two can play that game.

What? Reverse the sexes and ever single mumsnet thread tells you to split all bills, including nursery, proportionally. The OP earns more. So she should pay a higher share of all the bills. Unless the pool all their money together and just spend from that account evenly then they need to split the bills fairly according to salary.

I know some men will insist that equality/women's rights etc mean a woman should always pay half. But until nature/biology catches up with that, its always women who have the babies. And even without a baby, if there's a disparity in earnings, then 50/50 is never going to be fair.

Bill him for carrying, birthing and then looking after a child.

Bill him for damaged to your body from the permanent changes due to gestating HIS child. Bill him for lost income and pension.

The cheek of the fucker.

Yes! This!!! This is absolutely ridiculous, you are absolutely not in the wrong. He's an arsehole for even thinking this

Absolutely mental attitude. Also the fact you spent all your savings on bills and groceries while it sounds like he did not. Did you keep the bills divide based on your prematernity leave, switch to 50/50 or alter it based on your maternity leave salary? Also why do buy all the groceries? It sounds like he saves a lot because you pay more!

I would be going back through my bank statements for the previous few years and calculating how much more I have spent on groceries, bills etc and totting it up. I would also look closely at what you spent your savings this year on (groceries, baby items etc…) put them all on the list and demand your half. Then tot up the hours you spent alone while he was in work and work out how much you would have spent on child care. Then hand him a bill - I suspect he will owe you thousands. Personally I would also hand him divorce papers.

I hope you have never ever ever treated him to anything (as you said you are the higher earner). He is a despicable excuse for a husband.

Create a spreadsheet with childcare costs. Ask him what he planned to do if you had returned to work circa 3 months?

Has he had a sudden amnesia and can't quite remember who this woman and that small person are but knows they are draining his finances - so they need to PAY?

I will definitely update when the conversation comes up next!