Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

'Alpha males types like Andrew Tate'. Lol. There ain't nothing remotely 'alpha' about those types.

"DH, we discussed this before we decided to have a baby and you agreed that you would need to take more of the financial responsibility when I was on basic Mat Leave.

As it is, my personal savings have depleted to nothing, while yours have remained untouched.

If I'd have known you were going to react like this, I'd have gone back to work after 6 weeks and you could pay 50% of the nursery bill.

My career, personal savings and body have been damaged by having this baby that we both agreed to have and now you want me to pay you for having looked after your child too??"

@LemonadeShadeParade add up how much he owes for childcare you did, deduct that from what he says you owes him and see how he feels about that then, as he will almost certainly owe you! The cheeky sod.

I can only assume you're married to my ex-DH. He earned a lot more than me, but we still split everything 50/50, leaving me skint within days of getting paid (I often borrowed petrol money from my Dad).

He often commented that, had I become pregnant, I would still be expected to meet my 50% of everything. And then 100% of any nursery costs.

Interestingly, his second wife left him not long after she had his baby and I hear on the grapevine that money had something to do with it.

Great reply from thequeenoftarts

OMG op, please send him to me. I am a women of a certain age with a heavy cast iron grill pan which would make a very satisfying thud when it met with his skull.

Ffs. What has happened to men? Do any of them step up and take responsibility nowadays? He’ll be whining about his diminished masculine energy next!

I would have had my suitcase and the baby packed by now and out of the door, leaving a copy of your marriage vows on the kitchen table with a large 0 out of 10 scrawled across them in red pen.

I’m sorry but this request tells you everything you need to know about this man-boy. He has no concept of how to love properly by honouring his wife or supporting his child. Love being a verb, not a wishy washy feeling accompanied by violins.

Love is getting up at 3 am to change a nappy, mopping up vomit and taking a financial hit.

No need to be confused op. He is 100% in the wrong. Only someone with the brain the size of a pea willingly procreates with their partner and expects all aspects of life, including finances, to stay the same.

Please go away for the weekend and take the baby with you. No need to explain. He’ll get it eventually.

And please do not have any more dc with this worthless numpty.

Also @LemonadeShadeParade if you already pay a bit more on other stuff I don’t see why you need to pay for groceries. Split it! In fact, unless the salary difference is huge I wouldn’t be adjusting payments myself, providing you both have a reasonable amount left.

That’s a horrible thing to even consider, never mind actually doing.

I personally think just "you're fucking joking?!" and laughing would suffice!

Agreed. Or, if 50:50 is affordable, that (which is what DH and I do - not proportionate to our income, but still affordable for both of us).

I've had no qualms in picking up the slack when he's been between jobs and he has either paid more or bought things, like sofas, etc, when he's had more spare cash than I have.

It's how it should work in a not just a marriage, but any relationship.

Family finances can and do suffer when only one person is working, for whatever reason, but that's the key phrase - "family" finances.

If he wasn't joking, he obviously doesn't see you as a family unit, even with a child.

He is an idiot or a Dickhead or both

Both I think.

Add onto his bill

• danger money for the risk of death of serious injury from pregnancy and childbirth
• compensation for the impact pregnancy and maternity leave will have on your career

you don’t owe him anything, but he owes you a massive apology for being a selfish fuck.

if he wants to play that game, give him an invoice for your time/childcare/cleaning etc.

Someone on here said you never truly know a man until you have a baby with him and see how he behaves and what his attitude towards parenting and responsibilities are.

I think you’ve just learned who your husband really is. The answer is that he isn’t a good man. A good man wouldn’t question supporting his family while his wife is on mat leave.

You're married to a proper bastard.

Disgraceful behaviour by him.

But if this is how he thinks, play him at his game.

Calculate how much a full-time live-in nanny would have been and let him know how much his half for the year was.

I would strongly suspect he will end up owing you money.

Presume you have already given him your invoice for the 9 months of pregnancy and hours of childcare on mat leave?

Sorry this guy sounds like a monumental dick.

This is completely insane. The fact he’s worked out a figure that you “owe” him implies that he’s not joking.

You've had some really good advice on here and if he doesn’t completely understand after your conversation then I think you will have to consider your future together.

I wouldn't be able to get past this, personally.

If you are the higher earner how did you plan for bills to be paid whilst you were on SMP? is he in debt/overdraft due to just paying basic living costs on one wage? In which case then the debt is a joint one?

Yes to all of this.

I know first hand that this is absolutely the case.

My DD is 16 I have have just got out and divorced a vile man who changed the INSTANT I had DD.

This post makes me so sad. Please look after yourself OP. 😕

The OP said the planned that he would cover what she couldn’t, and she would give what she could. When she could only give £300 a month, she said that they had discussed it and agreed before having the baby.

Does he have any relatively decent male friends who contribute to the family finances and do a fair share domestically? I’m just wondering if you could suggest that he speak with them to get an outside perspective on how shameful his suggestion is?

Reading this back, im annoyed at myself for suggesting that it needs to be another man who shows him how unreasonable he’s being. But, being practical, I wonder if even the suggestion of exposing his extreme fecklessness and lack of maturity to another “family man” might bring the message home without you having to do all the labour to make him understand something that should be blatantly obvious to anyone (except maybe a teenager living in his mother’s basement.)

Sounds like you have your head screwed on OP, he's bloody lucky to have you. Here's hoping it was just a brain fart that he hadn't thought through.