Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

You've mentioned that his family are all really weird.

I hate to break this to you....it's really unlikely that he's managed to get to adulthood having been raised with zero good influences as I think you described it, by people that you feel are really weird, without having at least some edges that you also find... really weird.

This is one of them. You know hopefully now from the responses you've had that this is completely unreasonable, trust your gut from here. Don't waste your energy trying to think of phrases that will unlock his understanding, that's really not your job and you will drive yourself mad trying.

Be really clear that you will not be refunding him, as he's your husband not your feudal landlord, and let him work out the rest. Save your energy for you and your baby. I think you've got a long road ahead so keep your support network in place and your independence, financially and otherwise, you may need it.

I wouldn't ask him if it was a joke. I would simply treat it as a joke and act accordingly. If he brings it up again, say you had assumed it was a joke but, if he says he is serious, tell him you are shocked at this appalling request and refuse to have anything to do with it, and will be forced to reassess your marriage.

Just going back to the title of your thread-he's wrong of course.

How can you owe him for costs that you both decided to incur?

if he wants you to pay half the bills from mat leave, tell him that there is an hourly rate for baby care that is due to you. If you looked after the baby for 12 hours, then his bill is for 6 of those hours. Every day. Should come to quite a bit of money - a lot more than your “underpayment”

Calculate the hourly rate for you having carried his child for 9 months, plus the birth, plus the childcare, plus the housework (if you have been doing the lion's share while being on maternity leave), then send him the bill and tell him to fuck right off. Go back to work, build yourself a nest egg and LTB.

🤣

Err no. That's all I'd say. No other words. Just "no".

Round here a day in nursery would have been £75 so ten months of that at 80% assuming tax-free childcare is £12k so he owes you £6k if he thinks that how families work. If you took up any slack around his work hours fir example to make sure he gets a rest after work or a good night's sleep before work then add more to the £6k bill.

Is it possible someone in his family has put him up to this?

I think that's fair of him, tbh.

Of course, you also carried his baby for nine months - so there's the money he owes you for his half of that impact to you during that time.

Plus his contribution to the compensation you should receive for the longer term impact on your body.

Plus, of course, you were looking after his baby while on maternity leave so he owes you half your lost wages for that time. At least. More if you did baby care out of hours.

So you pay him everything you owe and he can cough up everything he owes.

I wonder what you'll do with your windfall?

How will you split your childcare bill?

Your oh should understand and appreciate your maternity leave contribution more.

Maybe split bills 50:50?

Is this actually real?
A man doing this is so despicable, clueless and unfeeling that I can't believe any husband would spring this on their wife regarding his own child.

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you.

This is what I think you should say to him.

I am feel blindsided by your request for money from me. This is OUR baby, and we both knew the financial implications of me having mat leave. You have billed me for having our baby. I have taken the caring responsibilities and you want me to pay you back for the higher earning wages I sacrificed to do this.

You know I'd rather all our money was in one pot, but we keep things separate as that's what you want. I've not worried too much about how much I was putting in because I've always viewed our money as shared. It didn't worry me that I have used up all my savings. But if you want to do things evenly, your sums are wrong. I should only have been putting in proportional to my income - that's the SMP. I have also been paying for all groceries - over my mat leave these havs come to X in total and if I pay proportional to my SMP that means you owe me Y.

[OP I assume actually he'll owe you money, as he's working out the sums assuming your previous high salary, whereas it should have been by weekly/monthly income, and you have probably massively overpaid]

But honestly the money isn't the point. I feel like the central foundations of our marriage have been questioned here. Are we in this together? If you got ill and unable to work, do you think it would be fair for me to ask you to use up all your savings on household expenses? What would happen if you used up all your savings - would it be fair for me to kick you out?

I'd like to see a relationship therapist to discuss this, as you have really shaken me and I need some help navigating the situation.

OP, he was lovely to you when you were helping him find some financial acumen and while you were the main breadwinner supporting his lifestyle. Now he's actually got a bit of money in his pocket, he's shown his true colors - which are selfish, greedy and completely dismissive of what you have been through as a new mother. He does not see how your lives have changed so you are a team of equals. To him, you were his rich safety net and mentor in basic financial management whilst he followed your lead. Now he sees you as a leech on his good fortune. Be very careful going forward with this man. He will bleed you dry once you start earning again, what's yours is his, what's his is his.

They want the housewife but they also want her to pay for everything. Too many posts like this on Mumsnet. Too many women putting up with it. But equally OP needs to be firmer and not accept this behaviour.

OP shouldn’t have gone into her savings, disgusting he didn’t pool his resources, the start of the baby forever being her problem not his. We personally saved as a couple for me being on Mat Leave. None of this ‘mine and yours’ nonsense.

I may cook my husband a nice dinner tonight as I didn’t realise he was a bloody rarity in supporting me whilst I’m on Mat Leave. It’s such a sad state of affairs.

They're never skint. And that's the reason why. Tight arsed fuckers!

As for the OP, I just don't have the words.

I've heard it all now!!!

Good luck OP

This is terrible. Charge the prick for childcare, and all the housewifery you no doubt did whilst you were recovering from sacrificing your body and career to safely give him a child. I swear some men think that maternity leave is the same as annual leave. One of my bosses was furious to discover that I accrued annual leave whilst on mat leave. I’m not on fucking holiday mate.

I would copy out his workings for each month, then I would put next to that month the cost of full time childcare, literally sole charge during his working hours and then either sole or supporting care at night depending on how things go, also bill for any housekeeping you would not normally have done if applies. Adjust his monthly totals to have him pay half of the childcare costs. He will now owe you a vast amount. Also ask him what further adjustments he considers fair given the fact that you have paused your career progress (he owes more again) and you have been the main earner for years (he owes you more still).

Tell him you want these debts paid. Then tell him that if that doesn’t make him feel good about himself or the relationship, then how does he think the same attitude has made you feel when you have been doing the tender work of raising his and your child?

I know you say he’s usually nice, but this is a HUGE red flag.

Absolutely this!!Fucking hell MN never ceases to shock me !

What kind of idea if marriage does he have? He’s mad

How completely ridiculous. I hope you laughed in his face. If he’s going to pretend the baby isn’t his responsibility you should to. Tell him how much he owes you for the childcare you’ve provided him while on maternity leave. Or show him this thread to prove how awful he’s being.

Pay him back. Return to work & charge him child support + 50/50 childcare fees for the next 18 years once you've found your new home would be my immediate response

But realistically you need to let him know how incredibly disapointed you are that every conversation you had got misunderstood & how let down you feel to basically discover your a single mother with bills to pay

Your 100% right to be put out by his treatment & it is both of your child so why he thought you were just volunteering to do full care + 50-50 costs is beyond comprehension

He's getting into financial abuse territory as this is the start of it.

Red flags flapping all over this situation.

Your baby needed you, not anyone else during your 10 months of mat leave and despite the agreement you both had, he's choosing to exploit you so don't allow it and stand your ground.

He needs to give his head a wobble, the financial wellbeing of his immediate family should be his top priority, but clearly his words show its not.

OP please tell him sooner rather than later that you do not owe him anything. When I went on maternity leave I also only got statutory maternity pay so basically said to my husband I will be getting approx £1000 less than usual so if you give me £400 thats fair isn't it (a bit more "fair" on him but I wasn't spending on fuel to get to the office). He tried to tell me that he would just give me money "if I needed it" I nipped that in the bud straight away as I would have ended up only asking if I was absolutely on the bones of my arse and maxed out credit card etc. whilst he would just have his full salary.

If he thought you were going to be effectively borrowing money to support you and your baby then he should have said that before you went on maternity leave, he can't just spring it on you afterwards that he thought that was the case.

I know many people just think maternity leave is a break but I don't think it is at all, unless you have an extremely stressful job, and the option is there to share maternity leave but I wonder how many men actually do.

THis.