Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

If he is not joking and I doubt he is if he has figures done up the firstly print this thread out for him. Leave it on the table with an invoice of you own:
Childcare
Loss of earnings for you as he impregnated you and you could not work due to him
Cleaning and or cooking you have done while 'off' work
Check the cms calculator and work out what he could or should have paid in maintenance as he does not see you as a family unit
Breastmilk if you breastfed.

@LemonadeShadeParade , you say he has never done anything like this before. He picked his moment, didn’t he? After you’ve just gone through pregnancy, giving birth and those early, exhausting months of a very young baby. Months where you’ve made sacrifices by reducing your income, and pausing your career.

At the best of times it would have been the behaviour of a jerk. The moment he choose to ambush the mother of his child like that, just stinks.

I would point out to him that, as the higher earner, you have always happily paid more in to the bills account than him, without quibble, because you see the two of you as being a team. When your salary subsequently reduced due to maternity leave, he temporarily became the higher earner, therefore it became his responsibility to take a turn and pay a bit more.

During pregnancy and mat leave your contribution has been trauma to your body and free childcare (maybe increased share of housework and mental load?) You've also selflessly taken a hit on your earnings and pension contributions so that you could nurture your JOINT child.

It would be over for me. I'm not dramatic and dont 'LTB' at a drop of the hat, but there would be no comback from this. Even if you'll make see the light and change his mind, you'll always know he said what he meant and meant what he said. He's the type of man who'll throw something like 'all we have I've earned, whilst you sat on your arse, there's nothing of yours here' in an argument down the line.

It was similar with my exH. We had a baby, I stayed at home with a baby for a while, took care of baby, house, all the chores, cooking, etc. And also worked part time from home. Didn't earn much, but it wasn't nothing either. He worked and paid lion's share of all the bills, but didn't do anything at home. That's how we divided it, I was ok with it, we both agreed on it.

Then we had an argument one day, and it turned out, that I'm a 'user' who does NOTHING while he works and pays for everything and I should be so grateful I can stay at home and relax, not doing anything.

So that was it. Yea sure, he did crawled begging, apologized and all, but I knew this was how he saw me. I didn't leave him the very next day, it took me about a year, but I rented my own place, moved out and served him the divorce papers. The fucker.

What!!!!!!!!

Actually speechless. Wtf.

@LemonadeShadeParade tell him to get to fuck and when he gets there to fuck off again!!! ridiculous!!

My exact reaction when he mentioned it

Is his name Ebenezer Scrooge and does he realise that the child is his too?

Tell him how disgusting he is.

Just add up the groceries you’ve paid for this year and ask him for half.

Have to say I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read and comment! And enjoying how many of you are encouraging me to tell him to just fuck off! Very strange how I can feel gratitude and affection for a group of people I've never met!
I'm feeling a lot better, and more empowered and clear headed thanks to you all!

I don't have enough badness in me for the words I'd need for him.

Get him so far to fuck.

charmer

This is ridiculous. Work out the cost of a full time nanny for the time you would have been at work.

once you've wowed him with this figures have a full and frank conversation about the costs and responsibilities of being a parent.

And for anyone who hasn't yet started a family, make sure all this is discussed and agreed before TTC.

Good grief, just go it alone. If he is for real then you are in for a miserable existence going forward.

I think the WTF has been sufficiently covered although I share that view.

If I were trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I might wonder if he's taken on a bit of debt again and is panicking about it.

Could that be a possibility? Especially given his financial history?

OP, you know you are not being unreasonable here.

Send him screenshots of local nursery prices, and bill him for all the childcare you've provided.

What a prick. It's probably been commented already, but I would be billing him for childcare - at the amount you would have been paid by your salary less how much you've received in SMP.

It reminds me of those Mastercard ads:
costs for March 200
cost for April 600
cost of baring his child priceless

I am so shocked by this @LemonadeShadeParade , good luck.

What an absolute prickish thing to do. Look up your nearest nursery and get their pricing per day. Then work out how much they would charge for X days for a baby whilst you have been off on maternity leave. So if for example you had taken 200 days off (weekdays only) and the nursery charges £80 a day then total cost of childcare in that time is £16,000. Divide by half and he owes you £8,000. I bet that's more than the amount you supposedly owe him. Ask how he'd prefer to pay the difference.

Bet that wipes the smile off his face.

Haven't RTFT so apologies if someone else has already suggested something similar.

OMG! I really hope this is him having a bad moment or a really bad joke and not a sign of things to come. Look forward to hearing what his response is!

He sounds like my ex. Get rid!

I would type it all up in a spreadsheet to present to him
Firstly the amount he thinks you "owe" him
Then the amount you've been overpaying for all bills since you've been together as the highest earner, backdated with interest (after all as his "logic" is that it doesn't matter what you're getting paid, you both need to contribute equally this is only fair).
Then finally the cost of full time childcare, divided by 2 over the period of your maternity leave. If you did any additional housework during this time don't forget to add this in too (i.e. hourly costs for cleaner)
When columns b&c add up to significantly more than a) ask him if he's going to pay it in a lump sum or wants to set up a payment plan, but obviously if the second you will be charging him interest until it's fully paid off.

If he looks askance explain that you were treating your marriage as a personal, loving relationship but apparently he considers it to be a financial transaction so you have amended your views accordingly.

But really, he would have to have a VERY good explanation and apology for me to be able to work through this, no matter his background.

Is it his baby? Did he not think someone would have to grow and care for his baby? Did he not want a baby? Otherwise the extra cost of the baby belongs to the family as a whole

I would bring it up again and tell him he's right and that you have calculated the cost of having his child, not including your loss of earnings...

£50k for carrying baby
£20k birth cost
£64k for 24/7 nanny costs / his share £32k
£52k for a wet nurse / his share £26k
£56k for housekeeping / his share £28k

So, he owes you approximately £156k.

If he's happy to take, what he thinks you owe him, off what he owes you then tell him you expect payment in your account by close of day 😊