Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Can't believe what I just read, truly shocked.

Good luck with this one OP. I really hope he was joking (and even then I think I would lose my shit with him)

No words.

Oh op I sincerely hope he wasn't being serious!.

If he was then I'd be hitting the roof and nipping this in the bud. My poor sister had a husband like this. It all started during the first few months after she had their much longed for baby, he made her take out a loan to keep paying her half of the bills!. He wasnt skint! He was earning three times her wage. Just greedy horrible little man. She ended up paying all the childcare on top of her half of the bills too. I'm so glad she walked away from the marriage.

Bill him for 50% rental of your womb for 9 months, a lump sum for the agony of pushing his baby out & subsequent recovery from, and then 50% childcare. What a horrible, mean, incredulous thing to ask of his wife! 😡

I would be livid.

I would first laugh, then if he was serious would tot up:

Days of mat leave x 24 hours x £16/hr gross
All expenses from mat leave

Divide the above by 2 and let him know you'll look forward to receiving his half.

ETA: oh and you could chunk on another £150k in line with commercial surrogacy cost in the US. Although not legal here, he's clearly viewing this relationship as a commercial one so seems fair enough.

Send him the link to this thread, and I’m sure he’ll see the error of his ways.

Honestly, why are men so delicate!?
They can drop absolute corkers like this and that’s fine, but if we react - we’re upsetting them.
And men (often) claim women are the emotional ones 🫠🫠

Words fail me. Happy to hear she left the pos.

I would point out that if he lost his job who would be supporting him and how would he like to billed for it.

@LemonadeShadeParade
If you don't want to go in all guns blazing then you need to explain how hurt you are by his request.
Then you present him with factual information on your loss of earnings, including pension. Also highlight the impact maternity leave may have had on your career development.

Perhaps he'll respond to facts and figures? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would simply ask him to explain himself. Why did he say what he said? Only ask once. I wouldn’t give him any rope to let himself off with by asking if it was a joke. Don’t say too much and just watch and listen. His response will tell you what you need to know.

@LemonadeShadeParade another way to look at this is that you took time out of work to have his baby, therefore he owes you for your loss of earnings during this time. Calculate what your normal take home pay is, deduct the SMP and ask him to pay you the balance.

You’ve deducted childcare? If not give him your bill. You can have a sliding scale for what you saved if you’d gone back at 3 6 or 9 months.

You took the words right out of my fingers. My vagina would have just slapped shut right there.

Or send him your own bill. Your lost earnings, pregnancy, birth, childcare, breastfeeding (if applicable) etc.

I think we know who will have run up the bigger bill!!

What a prize cunt.

What a Cu#t . No words

I remember a thread like this on another forum where a husband basically expected his wife to keep paying everything 50 50 while she was on maternity leave, ignoring the fact that she was on a much reduced income. Plus she had obviously given birth and all the rest of it. It actually ended in separation.

I'm not suggesting this will be the same. But you need to make him see he is totally off the wall with this suggestion. Be careful also re your return to work that there isn't an automatic assumption that everything baby and house related falls to you.

Tell him that since he's become mercenary, he owes you for your services as a gestational carrier [I know - horrible term, but the DH is being a prick.]. Calculate your loss of earnings and divide them by half. Add on a sum for you pain and physical suffering. Maybe add something for mental well-being.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/surrogacy-uk-cost-is-it-legal-how-work-baby-kim-kardashian-a8907461.html

Are you breast feeding? That's another £705 a week.

https://uk.jooble.org/salary/wet-nurse

Be fair. It's £1,150 for donor sperm, so he can take £575 off the money he owes you.

https://www.coparents.co.uk/blog-uk/sperm-donor-uk/how-much-does-a-sperm-donor-cost-in-the-uk/

So you both saved money to make up the shortfall whilst you were on ML & all of that went?

I assume that's the savings you mean?

It's so hard to comprehend that he begrudges paying for the three of you for 10 measly months.

We pay around £9 per hour for childcare.

You were off 10 months

So lets say 22 days a month at what, 10 hours a day? Thats £1800 per month, times ten £18,000

tell him that he owes you half of that. He can deduct any 'monies owed' from the balance.

Wanker

WTAF is wrong with some men. Is your husband 10 yrs old? FFS

I've literally never ever ever met a man who can handle a woman's feelings without making it about themselves first!

I will be hitting the roof even if it was a joke, or even if he does see the error of his ways, roof will still be hit.

I am giving him some leeway because of his upbringing - I can't express how shit his family are. There have been a few times (not as significant as this ever before though) where he's not really understood normal family dynamics, and it has just been a case of he doesn't know any better rather than he's a genuine prick. It's a bit sad but also, he should know better.

Personally, I’d reiterate that as the Mother of his child you expected him to support you and for him to empathise that whilst you’re not ‘working’ in your career, you’ve selflessly given up your career and possible progression to stay home and care for your (AND HIS) child. I’d tell him frankly you’re disappointed as you thought marriage was about working together as a team. You shouldn’t have to feel bad for birthing and caring for a new baby and that’s what he’s causing with his behaviour. It’s almost as if he thinks you’re on a jolly and he’s financially supporting your whims. Like you’re just dossing and enjoying a hobby right now.

I’d ask why he doesn’t consider the fears you have about being out of the work place for so long whilst navigating being a new Mother. I’d show him the data on the Motherhood penalty women often experience and the loss of earnings potential.

I’d ask why he thinks that Maternity leave doesn’t warrant being supported when presumably if he becomes sick or loses his job, he’d expect you to support him throughout it.

Id also come prepared with the cost of childcare in your area to reiterate that BOTH of you would be paying out for childcare that most likely wouldn’t be as beneficial to a young baby as having their Mother at home (note - I understand some mothers HAVE to go back). Make sure you reiterate you wouldn’t be paying this from your account, it’s a joint cost.

I’d read the riot act but in a disappointed manner because frankly - I’d be ashamed to be married to a man who as a father doesn’t want to financially support his family appropriately during a very short period of time.

You’re absolutely right- we pool all our money and my DH would never have even considered this.

However if he wants to be like this look into full time childcare cost in your area and charge him half of that, it will probably be more than you apparently “owe”. If you’ve bought anything at all for baby he needs to pay half. Might open his eyes to how unfair this is.

Haven’t RTWT but has anyone pointed out you should certainly say can’t provide any more sex as, on this basis, children (of which there is always a chance) are too expensive for you?

Honestly, I don't think OP should even justify her anger with him. Why would she overthink her response? Or worry about getting it muddled? It does not NEED a response. What he said does not require any respectful questioning. Just disdain. One single sentence: 'you disgust me'. Three words.
Frankly, I think the issue with men these days is that too many of them fantasise about what masculinity means but reserve the right to act like overgrown self-centred toddlers.