Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

👌

If anyone can give me some good sentences to use to help him understand why he's so wrong, I'd appreciate help on how to phrase it
These are the most important points:

• You have sacrificed your income so that you could both have a child - he needs to compensate for you giving up your income (and pension contributions) otherwise he's coming out of this period of time a lot better off financially than you are, but the financial burden should be shared equally
• If bills are normally split according to income then this needs to be recalculated for the mat leave period where your income was very low - eg he should be paying 80% rather than his normal 45% (or whatever the figures are). You've also carried on paying for all the groceries - this needs to be brought under the household bills and cost shared accordingly.
• If you had gone back to work to earn money at the rate needed to pay your usual share of bills then this would have incurred a huge childcare bill. Would he prefer to pay that?
• You're supposed to be a team

Add up the amount having a baby has cost you so far. Lost earnings, anything you've bought for the baby, maternity clothes, every last penny.

Then add up how many hours you've spent caring for the baby and work out how much that would be worth if you got paid a living wage for those hours.

Add your financial costs to the value of your time, then divide the total by two. That's his half. Then deduct the amount he says he "owes you", and send him an invoice.

Alternatively, divorce the stingy fucker and take him to the cleaners.

Good luck with the chat.

I would laugh out loud if my husband (who contributed 50% of the DNA to the child I had to carry for 9 months and go through hours of labour and had stitches etc. etc. and other female related health issues after having) presented me or even floated the idea that I owed him money while I was on maternity leave.

Where on earth do men find the gumption to do shit like this to their wives and life partners???

I'd quickly get prices for all of the services you have provided (nanny, wet nurse, taxi driver, housekeeper, chef, whatever) and suggest that he takes his bill off yours and you'll expect the money that he owes you in your account by the end of the week. Guaranteed that he would owe you more money than you would owe him.

He needs to know things like this put a serious dent in any sort of sex life resuming and possibly any future kids being on the scene. Very unattractive trait to be sure.

Is he fucking insane?? does he see you as a partner in any way at all?!

You should tot up how much it would have cost you to pay for someone else to provide the childcare you have done over the last year, work out the shortfall between the additional money he contributed and the value of your labour, and tell him that’s what he now owes you.

But more importantly, think about what it means for your relationship that he views you this way because it’s genuinely shocking.

Exactly this

Absolutely bill him for childcare.

There are few things in this life that leave me speechless but this is definitely one of them. He is a horrible mean bastard. I cannot even comprehend this to be honest.

I could never forgive this and I would be seriously questioning whether I had made the right choice in a husband.

What a horrific act of self harm and harm to his relationship - what an idiot. What a shame. I would say "fine" and ask for his figures. Then calculate the costs of you caring for the baby for 10 months and ask for the balance. Say he can pay monthly, as you realise it is a big unexpected bill. Do not trust this man, do not take a back seat in your career. Focus on yourself. Make sure the nursery you use has his number for emergencies, not yours. Look perplexed and say "but this is what you wanted" or divorce the thundercunt, get free time and CMS.

Notice how he didn't include you paying for all groceries.🙄

OP, wake up.
You have married a prick who has shown his hand.

Go and stay with family and tell EVERYONE the truth about exactly what you have married.

MN really exposes you to a who new sub species of excuses for men.

Be firm and nip this in the bud otherwise money is going to crop up as a difficulty again and again. If you want to play him at his own game counter bill him for half of your lost salary or as pp have said childcare.

Why are you paying for all of the groceries? This should come out of the joint account.

@mn29 thank you those are really helpful bullets! I really struggle to articulate my thoughts when I'm upset so it helps to have help!!

Think I will do the following
1- ask him if it's a joke,
2- if he's indeed serious I will ask him to justify why he thinks this way,
3- use some of the bullet points some posters have given me to try to help him see sense,
4- if he doesn't see sense then I have license to go bananas and walk out with the baby. If he does see sense he has a whole fucking lot of making it up to me to do. (Plus if at point 1 it does turn out to be a joke, he still has a whole lot of making it up to me to do)

Shitting hell, what have I just read?

👌👌👌

As a pp said: thundercunt.

Chief Thundercunt the 1st of Twatland to be precise.

Not really surprising when people treat dates like job interviews

Tell him literally that he is disgusting. If he asks why, tell him to use his brain. Then check out of the marriage until he realises what he's done. Once he gets it and he apologises, check out again, this time physically and get a divorce. Unbelievable.

Charge him ten times what he wants to charge you for growing a baby inside your body and add on extra for a body damage charge.

And still invoice him for 50% of the childcare you did on May leave.

Bill him for 24-hour childcare, cleaning, washing, laundry etc etc

What a fucknut he is.

Oh my god. This has to be the 3rd thread I've read just like this, this week already.

It sounds like you've married my exH OP. He was a selfish little twat.

What is wrong with these men? There are no words OP. Apart from 'if you say anything again so selfishly twattish, I will divorce you'

This doesn't bode well for the future I'm afraid. Keep yourself a fund just in case you need to get rid.

Why are you wasting time asking him if he's joking!
Just gives him chance to brush it under the carpet.
He wasn't joking. You know and he knows it, you're just giving him a feeble excuse to cling to.

I can see the sad face DM headlines now!
"My wife left me after I invoiced her for being on maternity leave"