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Original poster

To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

83 replies

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:32

Does anyone else have this?

Two children. First (DS) a terrible sleeper. He would only wake twice as a baby but it would take literally hours before he was asleep enough to go back to his next to me crib. If you tried to put him back in it too soon he’d wake and the whole thing would start again. So a typical night would be asleep at 9, awake at 1, up until 3, awake again at 4, that would be it.

Things briefly improved when he was a year old but then he started to get ear infections and that triggered a period of awful sleep, finally managed to sort it at 18 months but then he started waking at 5/530. At first it was such an improvement on the broken nights I was just grateful. But over time exhaustion kicked in.

DD was a much better sleeper from the start (and she was breastfed) so obviously didn’t expect DH to do night wakes. But once she was night weaned ear infections kicked in for her and teeth … at the moment she’s waking a couple of times every night and needing cuddles and / or calpol.

And it has dawned on me that in four long years of this DH has never got up in the night, not once.

Anyone else? Or am I the only mug?

OP posts:
littlemissprosseco · 03/12/2024 20:34

Yes you’re a mug!
I guess if you’re on maternity and DH has to get up early for work?……. but he’s never got up in Four years??
You have a husband problem.

PullTheBricksDown · 03/12/2024 20:36

How on earth has it never come up before? Is he the prime minister's bodyguard or a brain surgeon or something else where he cannot manage on less than perfect sleep?

Just say 'I think it's time we took turns getting up with the kids when they wake. Do you want to go first or second?' If he disagrees in any way, give him the Paddington hard stare and say I'VE DONE IT EVERY NIGHT FOR FOUR YEARS.

afrikat · 03/12/2024 20:38

Our first was a terrible sleeper and I breastfed for 15 months so it was pretty much all on me. I weaned at 15 months and got pregnant again at 18 months. Pretty much as soon as I got pregnant DH did all night wake ups with our oldest. I got full nights whilst I was pregnant and was responsible for feeding the youngest when she was born, but not necessarily for changing her.
DH probably did more night wake ups overall as our oldest was always a terrible sleeper and youngest much easier

Now the kids are older I've basically trained them not to wake me up they always go to him 🤣

Even if you are a SAHP you need to sleep so yes, he should be helping out at night

portslader · 03/12/2024 20:41

Crazy that you're even asking.

Since our daughter was born (now 3) we have alternated nights - one 'on duty', one sleeps through. I can't see any justification for doing it any other way to be honest, once breastfeeding is finished.

Original poster
cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:42

I think the main problem is that when they woke upset and unwell they want me, not DH, but it is frustrating that he’s never offered. Or that he hears DD crying and doesn’t check.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 03/12/2024 20:46

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:42

I think the main problem is that when they woke upset and unwell they want me, not DH, but it is frustrating that he’s never offered. Or that he hears DD crying and doesn’t check.

Of course they do. It's what's always happened. Tell them Daddy will look after them and it'll become as normal in time.

Awrite · 03/12/2024 20:47

Definitely mug. There's no other way of putting it really.

Awrite · 03/12/2024 20:48

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:42

I think the main problem is that when they woke upset and unwell they want me, not DH, but it is frustrating that he’s never offered. Or that he hears DD crying and doesn’t check.

They want you as you've always done it. My kids happy with either of us.

Much nicer for kids to have more than just the one person who can comfort them.

Original poster
cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:50

DD wouldn’t understand that, she is too young, and DS doesn’t really wake in the night any more. I know I asked if I was a mug; it was meant jokingly and didn’t really expect to be insulted, wondering really how many others are in this position.

OP posts:
Coffeemmmmcoffee · 03/12/2024 20:50

Never?

He’s never said on a Saturday morning hey you have a lie in and I’ll do the early shift?

Have you never got overwhelmed in the night from sheer exhaustion and kicked him awake and demanded he go to the baby?

I definitely did the lions share of wake ups but the above were not unusual scenarios in our house and just about stopped the resentment building.

I’ll be honest, he doesn’t sound great.

wp65 · 03/12/2024 20:51

This situation is insane.

Original poster
cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:52

He will sometimes take them in the morning but what’s really frustrating is I have to do the initial get up. So DD might wake up and I go to her and take her through to him - he will take her but he won’t just go to get her so I can just stay asleep.

OP posts:
KatyN · 03/12/2024 20:53

I do the vast majority of night wakes because the kids want me. But I get a cup of tea in bed every morning. Regardless of whether I've been woken up.

Very very happy with this arrangement!!!

Cornflakes44 · 03/12/2024 20:55

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:52

He will sometimes take them in the morning but what’s really frustrating is I have to do the initial get up. So DD might wake up and I go to her and take her through to him - he will take her but he won’t just go to get her so I can just stay asleep.

Have to ask him why he does this? When your daughter starts crying why don't you just wake him up and tell him to go get her then go back to sleep? You're in a really crap pattern with pandering to him. Is he rubbish in other ways? Do you try to keep him happy? Put his needs above yours? Feels like it's unlikely to be an isolated incident.

BilboBlaggin · 03/12/2024 20:55

Mine was useless too (kids now grown up). He never got up once in the night for two DC. Can't recall he ever changed a nappy either.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/12/2024 21:02

I do all the night wakings with our two- initially because I was exclusively breastfeeding so it just carried on, apart from the odd occasion when I was demented and said you take him for a minute. But if I've ever had a really bad night il go for a nap in the afternoon and he will watch them both. I'm normally the first one up too, but then il go to bed early with younger one and he will let older one stay up with him.
I'm a much lighter sleeper than he is anyway so I'd wake up before him and I can't settle if either of my DC are distressed, so in my eyes its pointless us both being awake, he may as well get the extra sleep then "owe" it me later on.

RandomMess · 03/12/2024 21:07

Once the next baby came along DH got up with the older ones 🤷🏽‍♀️ especially because once DH got back to bed he fell asleep in seconds AngryEnvy

When they were ill it was more shared.

Chattie89 · 03/12/2024 21:15

This is madness, I don't know how your relationship or your sanity has lasted. DH and I always take turns to listen out for DD, every single night. Someone gets a lie in on Saturday, the other one on Sunday. Whoever is on duty has the baby monitor on their side of the bed, the other one has earplugs. Are you not absolutely shattered? Why does your DH get to sleep uninterrupted every night?

Original poster
cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 21:16

I know, I am really tired and what’s frustrating is sometimes he doesn’t even hear DD and he didn’t hear DS. We’ve had times where he’s insisted that DS was sleeping through the night from being about three months and I have to keep pointing out how untrue this was.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 21:17

Nope. I breastfed. My husband got up in the night sometimes to take them a walk if they didn't need feeding. He said it was weird walking about with a baby seeing people come back from clubs. When they got older we'd alternate depending on who has what with work, but generally he is better with less sleep than me so he naturally does more. My second was such an awful sleeper (7x a night until we sleep trained) that I thought he had a lot of night wakings to catch up on, so he did a bit more there again...and now they are school age they will generally ask for him in the night rather than me (and he has kind of tuned himself into listening for it, whereas I don't, unless he is away) although they're happy with both

I think a lot of women get up with babies because they're breastfeeding or on mat leave snd then when they go back to work and the baby gets nursery colds etc the baby 'will only settle' for their mum. In my opinion that's not true, they will settle for whoever normally settles them, and that's down to habit. And it's never too late to break a habit!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 21:19

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:52

He will sometimes take them in the morning but what’s really frustrating is I have to do the initial get up. So DD might wake up and I go to her and take her through to him - he will take her but he won’t just go to get her so I can just stay asleep.

That's insane. It's not a lie in if you have to wake up to get the lie in.

fashionqueen0123 · 03/12/2024 21:19

cantbebotheredtogo · 03/12/2024 20:52

He will sometimes take them in the morning but what’s really frustrating is I have to do the initial get up. So DD might wake up and I go to her and take her through to him - he will take her but he won’t just go to get her so I can just stay asleep.

Tell him to!
How has he never got up in 4 years?!?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 21:20

Have you never just put ear plugs in and white noise or noise cancelling headphones and said you're refusing to get up?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 21:21

Have you ever spoken to him about it outside of the night waking time? What's his reason for only choosing to parent during daylight hours?

HowManyNsInBrenn · 03/12/2024 21:23

DP works shifts in a tough job (both physically and emotionally...emergency services) so in the 13 months since DD was born I've done 95% of the wake ups. She is BF so it made sense, plus I'm a SAHM so only responsible for her and I all day, whereas he's responsible for a lot more. It didn't bother me until she was about 9 months old and went through such a bad sleep regression that I really needed help during those wake ups, and we found that he could settle her back to sleep in minutes whereas she would see me, ask for milk and that would be me for an hour or more.
She generally sleeps through now but he will deal with any wake ups between me going to bed and him coming to bed (generally later than me due to his shift patterns), and any from about 4am.