To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

[cantbebotheredtogo]

Does anyone else have this?

Two children. First (DS) a terrible sleeper. He would only wake twice as a baby but it would take literally hours before he was asleep enough to go back to his next to me crib. If you tried to put him back in it too soon he’d wake and the whole thing would start again. So a typical night would be asleep at 9, awake at 1, up until 3, awake again at 4, that would be it.

Things briefly improved when he was a year old but then he started to get ear infections and that triggered a period of awful sleep, finally managed to sort it at 18 months but then he started waking at 5/530. At first it was such an improvement on the broken nights I was just grateful. But over time exhaustion kicked in.

DD was a much better sleeper from the start (and she was breastfed) so obviously didn’t expect DH to do night wakes. But once she was night weaned ear infections kicked in for her and teeth … at the moment she’s waking a couple of times every night and needing cuddles and / or calpol.

And it has dawned on me that in four long years of this DH has never got up in the night, not once.

Anyone else? Or am I the only mug?

Your situation sounds similar to mine so I totally get how night time dynamics become established over time and just become the norm. I was up with the first on mat leave, went back to work when he was 6 months and planned to take it in turns but DS only wanted me and DP attempting to get him back to sleep just made things worse so it was easier for me to do it. Same with DS2. It’s now been 4 years and I’m just used to functioning on less sleep.
It’s definitely not as easy as ‘tell DP to wake up!’ As it will just mean upset for everyone. They’ll sleep through eventually.

Then yes, you've been a mug and he's been selfish and thoughtless.

What do you want to do about it?

Men aren't biologically wired for baby cries, women are. That's why you need to wake them up to do it.

My DP would literally sleep through a war, there's nothing he can't sleep through, including the most irritating screaming alarm clocks next to his face.

Yep my dp can sleep through an alarm on his phone that sounds literally like a war siren. It was going off for about 10 minutes and I was lying there awake upstairs waiting for him to turn it off, he didn't and I had to go downstairs and turn it off. His phone was right next to his face on the couch 😂

Sorry but thats not true from a biological perspective at all.

My DH and anecdotally from my friends, will hear and wake at their childrens cries. as will grandparents and sometimes siblings. Because they want to and are alert to it. There’s been times DH has heard the DC and I haven’t and vice versa. Habits and where you are in a sleep cycle factor more. Its difficult and dangerous to sleep through an alarm or screaming child and takes a conscious decision/utter exhaustion to do so.

Men aren't biologically wired for baby cries, women are

Um did your DH tell you this? Absolute rubbish 🤣

Have you actually spoken to him about this? You shouldn't have to, he should be doing his fair share of wake-ups, but he isn't. Even if he says that he doesn't hear the baby/child, you can wake him up. It's not ideal, but you don't have to get out of bed as you are doing at the moment. If you wake him and he refuses to get up, that's a different problem.

We've got into a bit of a similar pattern - DS would only settle for me, he'd scream if Dad went in and they'd both end coming back to me - but he did try. And I think that's the difference.

He also did one of the overnight wakes as soon as DS could be settled without milk, so that took one off my plate. I made the critical error of taking them all over when I was working away long hours, so I got some time with him, and we never convinced DS that DH could do them again... but he did try, and he was willing, and although he did sometimes worry about sleeping through, he was happy for me to kick him and wake him up, and he often set the alarm for just before DS would wake to make sure he was up.

My DH did this for a while and i said to him it's ridiculous for me to get up just to give her to you. He helped with nights when she was little but not anymore and she just wants me now. But in the morning if he's still asleep and she's ready to get up I just wake him ip and tell him she's awake.

You need to put your foot down on this.

My DP has always been hands on in the night. My DD is 2.5 and we’re expecting #2. Have a fair few mum friends and night wakings come up a fair bit. A few of their DHs are a bit lazy in the night, maybe sharing only 1 or 2 wakings a week but many pull their weight.

… I’ve never come across someone who’s NEVER done one. I’m genuinely shocked that can be true. There must have been times you were on your knees with exhaustion, did your DH just not care?

I do all the night wakings. DH would sleep through a freight train running through the bedroom. I am a light sleeper so I wake at any small noise and also because of that I am able to respond quickly. It's also always MUMMMEEEEEEEE he wants and so if DH did get up, I'd probably still end up anyway. I don't mind really, it doesn't last forever and I quite like those night cuddles.

Me, I'm also in this situation, hate how the woman is judged and scolded for it so not only do our husbands not do the wake ups etc but also it's our fault that they don't. Fucking marvellous

Thank you for saying this; it’s a horrible thread mostly. But it’s true of everything. DH does not do something and then I discover this is my fault too!

god forbid men are actually responsible for their own actions. No that's some how our fault too, or our fault for choosing to have children with such men as we should have known they'd be like this op!

internalised misogyny

women are always wrong even when it's the man that is it's still our fault.

solidarity op im up with you in the nights also you're not alone

My DC always have shouted and it's been me getting up. DD is now 15.

I started saying to DP at bedtime at least once a week that I'd had broken sleep the previous nights and he was to get up that night and would give him a push if he didn't hear.

Also would wake him for his share of the early mornings.

If you don't tell him he won't understand there is an imbalance and will assume you are happy with the arrangement.

It’s not your fault he doesn’t do it but lots of posters have asked if you have ever mentioned it to him or asked or told him to help and you haven’t answered.
If you’re lying half asleep seething at him then say something. How can 4 years have passed?

Many women would not put up with that behaviour. I know I wouldn’t!

Well, I would, because I’m too bloody tired to argue about it but indeed yes my fault too.

It's definitely your husbands fault because he knows the children wake up at night and he knows he doesn't do anything about it. So it's not like he's unaware. But if you aren't advocating for yourself or saying anything then you've made it very easy for him to enjoy the status quo. I think a lot of women on MN feel angry about the inequality mothers put up with and want to offer practical solutions. The main one in your case being 'make your husband do it'. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

You can’t make someone do it. You can ask. Or you can do something pointless like wake him up while child wails until they’re thoroughly awake and he is and you are. It’s equal but pointless.

But you cannot make someone care, you can’t make someone say ‘you must be shattered, I’ll sort DD when she wakes.’

Why would you need to argue? If you’ve never even asked before how do you know?
Surely they wouldn’t refuse?

‘It’s your turn’ /‘oh no they’ve woken again, argh can you help!’ Quick tap to wake them up if needed.

You can make someone care. By repeatedly making them realise they have a family to take care of and not letting unacceptable behaviour fly. You also don’t have to mention it when tired. Bring it up in the day time!

And if they don’t care then why would you be with someone like that. This seems like one small bit of a much bigger issue if that’s their attitude to the people they are living with.

@fashionqueen0123 id have to wake him up to go to her. And then him groaning and grunting, shuffling off for a wee, not knowing what she needs, meanwhile I lie awake listening to her and him.

It is miles easier to do it myself. That may make me a terrible person according to MN but it is.

We aren’t in a good place right now and this is part of it, I am sure he has gripes about me too.

Haven't RTFT but wow yes OP you are a mug but your husband is a twat also.

It will get easier the more he does it. Don’t let his faffing about be an excuse. It sounds like he’s using weaponised incompetence so you don’t ask him again.

Im not suprised. How could this ever put you in a good place if that’s his behaviour. Hopefully he can sort himself out.

How can be be using weaponised incompetence when he’s never done it? 😂

Because if you thought he was capable you’d have asked him by now.