To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

[cantbebotheredtogo]

Does anyone else have this?

Two children. First (DS) a terrible sleeper. He would only wake twice as a baby but it would take literally hours before he was asleep enough to go back to his next to me crib. If you tried to put him back in it too soon he’d wake and the whole thing would start again. So a typical night would be asleep at 9, awake at 1, up until 3, awake again at 4, that would be it.

Things briefly improved when he was a year old but then he started to get ear infections and that triggered a period of awful sleep, finally managed to sort it at 18 months but then he started waking at 5/530. At first it was such an improvement on the broken nights I was just grateful. But over time exhaustion kicked in.

DD was a much better sleeper from the start (and she was breastfed) so obviously didn’t expect DH to do night wakes. But once she was night weaned ear infections kicked in for her and teeth … at the moment she’s waking a couple of times every night and needing cuddles and / or calpol.

And it has dawned on me that in four long years of this DH has never got up in the night, not once.

Anyone else? Or am I the only mug?

I know quite a few neurosurgeons and don’t know one that gets perfect sleep, whether a parent or not.

I always wonder what these men think women who work do, including women who do very difficult stressful jobs.

The answer is: we get up.

He needs to get up.

Thing is @DrinkFeckArseBrick if I refuse to get up and DH doesn’t then that’s a bit unfair to the baby / child. And this is where we run into problems; it’s all very well and good until it impacts your children.

Plus I hate headphones. But that is not the point I know!

I did all the nights with my two OP, initially for breast feeding and in the very early days of DH woke to offer assistance I would be really irritated - I barely woke when tending to DC and didn't want to chat.

Eventually if they woke it was because they wanted their mum, I could settle them easily and check them for my own reassurance if they were unwell. Often they co slept with me as young kids and I'd ask DH to sleep elsewhere.

DH would do the 5.30am wakes ups come to think of it but that didn't happen often.

He's a good loving dad and is very present in their lives / just never at night! A tired mug maybe but it's a non issue so long as he appreciates you and looks after you if it's been a long night.

Similar here; DS2 only really wants me if (when!) he wakes; so all the night wakings are on me. I don’t like to ignore them when they ask for me, and the crying will always wake up so I figure I may as well just get up! However, it does balance out - if it’s been a rough night DH will get up with them and I get a lie in, and does still offer sometimes in the night, so it’s my choice to still do the night wakings, not me being a mug (I think?!). DD5 has slept through for a while now, they all do eventually. Hope yours do soon!!

I hear you OP. Sometimes it happens so slowly and all the individual circumstances seem to be okay/explainable so you don't even notice until you put them all together and realise that you've been shouldering way too much of the burden!!

Maybe time for a nice night away in a hotel...or like, a week?

It’s because he knows he’s not on duty, so he doesn’t need to hear them.

I remember a really interesting discussion with friends where they swapped from mum at home on maternity leave and then part-time, to dad becoming FT SAHP and mum working. They both said that after a very short while it was like a switch flipped for both of them - dad went from sleeping through and ‘not noticing’ when he was the out of the house worker to mum not hearing them in the night first when she knew she wasn’t the on-duty parent.

You pay attention to the things that are important. I’m afraid your husband is trained not to think the children’s needs are his job.

I hear you OP and I say this kindly, stop being a martyr and tell your DH to get up. How are your children going to suffer during the few nights it will take to get a more balanced routine in?

This. I hear you on this. I get lie ins extremely occasionally, usually prearranged,
where I first get woken up by DS then have to make sure that DH has got up, confirm what DS should
have for breakfast (?!?!) discuss how long I might need to lie in and what that might mean DH may need to reclaim as a nap later and then usually answer what channel Paddington or Hey Duggee can be found on. Then I can try to go back to sleep.
By which time I am wired. Familiar? You are far from the only one!!!

That’s insane! DH can easily sleep through DD, sometimes he needs a kick. I do the majority because I’m on mat leave. But I get exhausted too, and he gets up. He always gets up on the nights before he days off. He’d be divorced if he hadn’t got up ever!!

Do you work? We’re going to have to go more 50/50 when I go back to work next month. No one should take all the burden.

That’s insane though. How does he not know?!

This doesn't happen in my family. My son has insomnia and we are both active and help. Initially when my son was a baby he would have wanted me more and I breastfed but DH helped where he could and then when my son weaned he started getting up with him - sometimes he would get upset and want me but that will never change unless I helped DH be able to settle him. Otherwise you make that be the only solution.

BF babies so did every night and that didn't bother me (they weren't as awful to settle back though) but definitely more equal now they are older

I mostly do the nights but get a lie in both weekend mornings - that keeps me going!

I clicked YABU by mistake, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I have always done more than my fair share but actually when I stopped breastfeeding DC2 my DH took over the bulk of the night wakes

I have a ten month old. Since he was born Dh has done one wake/night feed every night. He saw something on instagram about womens bodies needing sleep to recover from pregnancy and birth so takes the first shift now of any wake up til 2am and I do any wale thereafter. Were both exhausted but they key word is both, and Im not as broken as I world be otherwise.

I've always done the night waking for little ones. We have 4DC and basically if under 3yo I'm the default one to get up. I do call DH of back up is needed.

Perhaps that makes me a bit of a mug, but small breastfed kids settle faster for me and I can't sleep through them crying but DH can. As far as I'm concerned it's an ok trade-off as long as the time is made up to youreasonably well e.g. you regularly get time to nap or lie in once baby is fed. Do you get this?

My children were bottle fed from 6 weeks and my husband got up for night feeds every other night.
He now gets up to let the dog out every other night about3am !We are now 60 and share all care for dog and grandchild who stays once a week .Its a no brainer 🤷‍♂️

This is wild to me.

You teach people how to treat you.

We done shifts, my husband done the late shift , so done the last feed at 12/1 am (I went to bed around 9) then I got up for the 4/5am feed but managed another hr or so sleep.

That said with our daughter my husband was deployed when she was 6 weeks old until she was around 9 months old so I was it 😴🥱💤

My DH didn't do a waking for any of our 3. My eldest was an awful sleeper and once he'd gone to bed it was up to me. He's an awful waker so even when he said he'd do the night shift I'd end up doing it as it was quicker for me to get up and feed the baby and get him back to sleep before DH was awake enough to do it.

My other two slept nicely.

I understand this. My DH doesn't naturally wake for cries in the night the way I do. However he will wake up if I wake him and tell him the baby's crying.

The thing is you can do this and make sure your children aren't impacted by getting up for them whether he will or not, but then during the daylight hours you need to put your foot down and tell him it's got to stop and he needs to get up for them.

You need to have a discussion with him about it when the crying isn't happening and you're both awake and have time to talk.

Have you done this?

But surely if you ask him to, he’ll go? Haven’t you asked in 4 years?

He never got up with your 1st, yet you went ahead and had another one. And expected it to be any different?

I did all the baby years. Even if he got up, I’d still wake with a sort of ache for them if they were crying, and they only wanted me as toddlers.

But once they got to 4 or 5 I seemed to lose that ability to hear them in my sleep, and dh would get woken before me, so he inherited that job.