To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

[cantbebotheredtogo]

Does anyone else have this?

Two children. First (DS) a terrible sleeper. He would only wake twice as a baby but it would take literally hours before he was asleep enough to go back to his next to me crib. If you tried to put him back in it too soon he’d wake and the whole thing would start again. So a typical night would be asleep at 9, awake at 1, up until 3, awake again at 4, that would be it.

Things briefly improved when he was a year old but then he started to get ear infections and that triggered a period of awful sleep, finally managed to sort it at 18 months but then he started waking at 5/530. At first it was such an improvement on the broken nights I was just grateful. But over time exhaustion kicked in.

DD was a much better sleeper from the start (and she was breastfed) so obviously didn’t expect DH to do night wakes. But once she was night weaned ear infections kicked in for her and teeth … at the moment she’s waking a couple of times every night and needing cuddles and / or calpol.

And it has dawned on me that in four long years of this DH has never got up in the night, not once.

Anyone else? Or am I the only mug?

It's not your fault he's shit. But it is your fault that you haven't stood up for yourself and have let this go on for four years.

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was 'don't become the only expert on that baby'.

You don't believe he can do it, or you believe that he can't do it the exact way that you would do it or want it done. If he goes for a wee first before seeing to the child it's not the end of the world, even if you wouldn't do that.

Have the discussion. Set up the situation so he has no choice (ie go away for a night) and then from there make it a regular occurrence. DP and I each have a night a week we sleep in the spare room. No monitor/no responsibility. and on the other nights we take turn about.

I mean its a choice he's made and its not a fair or kind one to you or your children.
You can only try and have the conversation with him now if its still relevant to your situation - if it isn't then have a think about other areas in your life, is he like this is other ways?
The transition from one parent to the other for night time support is tough. We had to wean my daughter by having my husband look after her when she wakes at night and do bedtimes. She was devastated at first, it took time but its worth it so that its a burden you can both share.

It’s not your fault he’s selfish. No one thinks that.

But it’s an inescapable fact that once you know that he’s too selfish to offer, if you ever want anything to change you do - despite it not being fair, or right, or easy - need to act to force change.

Otherwise it’s do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

You can leave

Sounds like you have control issues over not believing he’ll do it right or the way you would, so stress yourself out listening to his every movement judging what’s going on. Or use this as an excuse not to wake him or have a discussion with him about this, and then double down with ‘but I shouldn’t have to..,’ ‘I’m being blamed…’ Yeah of course you shouldn’t have to, but let’s face it. A lot of men are selfish and won’t become less selfish unless made to be. That’s a simple truth. You can martyr yourself or keep grasping onto control / perfectionism, or you can get him to be less selfish, because he won’t magically do it on his own. Or you can leave.

My DH would get up but only after I shook and harassed him out of bed..because he is such a "deep sleeper". So essentially I had to completely wake up each time. I am still a bit salty about it.

DH and I have always been quite good at sharing our who is up with DC overnight. When they were babies and toddlers we'd pretty much take every other night unless there was a really bad night where it would be me so DH would be fine for work in the morning. It's probably me more than him with early wake ups nowadays (DC are 6 & 8 and will still bed hop but sleep fine). Both kids will get up anywhere between 5.45 - 7am and I do almost all early mornings because once I'm awake I find it really hard to fall back asleep. DH, on the other hand, finds it hard to stay awake!

I don't think you're a mug but, unless DH has some incredibly important job that he must be very well rested for (and you don't!) then he really should be helping you. Even weekend nights would make a difference to your sleep - and the kids getting a bit more used to dad helping at night.

Friends DH is exactly the same. She went to a hotel for a weekend to relax, alone in bed, in peaceful bliss, take long baths with a glass of wine, read books etc. she was immensely more appreciated when she came home and he had seen what she was really doing. If you have the cash, do this.