Apparently I'm beautiful NOW

[BlueSilverCats]

I have very slowly been losing weight. Mum has been making comments but I mostly downplayed it, not looking for compliments or mentioning it or anything.

Today she told me I'm actually beautiful now. Jeese... thanks mum. Only took 30 something years.

Every time she moaned at me for being fat it was always followed by "of course it's mainly about health". No , it's not. At least not to her.

Well said!

I didn’t ‘lump a whole generation into being twats’. I identified a value and way of viewing the world that is more common during the upbringing of one generation compared to the ones that came subsequently. This is due to cultural and societal influences. Every generation will sit on a bell curve where you can identify these commonalities and values they are more likely to be held – that’s simply social science. Your own mother thinking one way or another doesn’t make a difference; she just sits somewhere else on the bell curve of her peers.

A fortnight or so after I gave birth to twins my mother said, 'I can't believe how fat you still are.' I can remember what I was wearing and where I was sitting and how she had waited until my DH left the room to say it. We've always had a troubled relationship and that was the icing on the terrible cake for me.

It was a few years later and one of the happiest moments of my life when I realised that I no longer cared what she thought of me. She still tries to criticise me but it's water off a duck's back. She'll say 'You look so tired' or 'That colour really doesn't suit you' and I just laugh and say 'Thanks'. She really doesn't know what to do with that, but that's her problem not mine. Conversely, I tell my daughter she is beautiful at least once a week. My mother has never told me that, and she has no excuse as my Granny, her mum, was lovely.

It is merely a labelling of people who were born during a specific period of time, no different to Gen X,Y, Z or millenials, who frequently have to deal with negative stereotypes from older generations. Like it or not, putting people in a box and slapping a label on them as though the characteristics of one represents all (tribalism/group think) is a collective human cognitive failing and isn't going away anytime soon.

Very true, but occasionally there can be widespread common factors within a category of people. For example, I find it is often people within a certain age range that love to use the term "woke" every time someone calls out sexism, ageism, xenophobia, social injustice or advocates such things as equal opportunity or inclusivity. I very much suspect this is because when they were making their way in world several decades ago, these things were seen as humerous and were generally accepted, and their mentality is so hard-wired they cannot accept society and concepts of (un)acceptable attitudes have moved on.

What this comes down too is understanding/appreciating the difference between talking about a statistical distribution and talking about one data point within that distribution. If you take everyone in their 50's/60's for example, you may be able to find common characteristics among that group of people which are significantly less common amongst a similar size group of younger or older people. Stating those characteristics is not ageist, it is stating a fact. If I claim men tend to be taller than women, that is not sexist, it is a biological fact based on the height distributions of the sexes, and doesn't mean there cannot be very short men or very tall women. What is wrong is taking one person from that distribution and automatically assuming the common group characteristics identify that single person, completely ignoring the fact that you have no idea where they lie on the distribution. That is lazy thinking, encourages damaging tribal attitudes and is irrational, but is common because people prefer to pander to fluffy feelings in favour of logic.

oh dear! I’d hate to be your child..

and you’re still with him?

I’m flabbergasted. This isn’t normal surely? I know certain mothers comment on weight a lot which is bad enough but this is a bit extreme.

It’s jealousy at others being comfortable in their own body. They heavily restricted to maintain their weight and sometimes they’re still not happy so they resent seeing others bigger than them who are happy.

I’m grateful for body positivity because it enabled me to have the courage to leave the house post-pandemic and go to the gym and walk around, despite being the biggest weight I’d ever been. I’m now almost 3 stone down and close to my goal weight . If I’d listened to the negative remarks and attitudes around fat people it wouldn’t have motivated me to lose weight at all.

Honestly there’s all this negative chat on this thread about body positivity, as if we live in a world which overall celebrates fat bodies and has “gone too far” . We don’t and it hasn’t!

Look at Hollywood, look at most female singers, look at the fashion world and see who is represented.

And listen to the stories of the many fat people - some of them seemingly confident social media influencers - who are too afraid to leave their house in case they get abuse hurled at them again. Or plus sized women who get abused on dating apps.

Many many women testify to people suddenly being friendlier and more helpful to them when they lost weight. I’m suddenly getting men on planes offer to put my bag up in the overhead thingy and randoms striking up conversation again. Not that all of that disappeared beforehand but it was definitely reduced. So no overall fat isn’t celebrated.

Amen!

Sorry that should have been in response to another poster. Will try to edit

I'm a boomer, so is my husband. He is very obese and we are stuck with multiple hospital visits and health issues due to type 2 diabetes. This includes leg and foot ulcers, injections into his eyeballs, bowel movement issues, mobility issues....I could go on. It impacts everything and I end up doing most of the legwork. I love him and value him whatever his size but hate what he/we have to go through. , I think body positivity is great.....until excess weight affects your life and it does creep up on you. As for the OP' original point, to add that yes, I've seen some people look more chiseled and better due to weight loss but would never dream of being so rude as OP's mother and comment on it,

I'm a boomer. Growing up there was no eating between meals, we walked more and were generally more active. No one can deny that there's a huge obesity crisis in this country which is costing the NHS millions. I do think the OP's mother could have been more diplomatic with her comment.

A lot of the overweight people are boomers.

True

Both my parents and grandparents were the same which has lead to low self esteem and poor relationships. Luckily my DH is a lovely and supportive person, so I'm working on it slowly 😊

Grow up you pathetic ignoramus !!!!

As hard as this may be to understand, mothers can actually be jealous of their daughters. I think that is the case here. Ignore it, live your life and start a " happy book". Write/record every kind of complimentary thing that someone says to you, their name and date. If you receive the same compliment, make a tally mark. After a while, you will find that you're getting the same comment from different unconnected people. What does logic tell you? If more than one person has paid you the same compliment, then it must be true 🤗. When you're feeling low, open that book and read those positive comments. Ignore your mother or tell her, you're sorry she can't appreciate you, that you love her but she really upsets you when she criticises you.

Small , pretty expected , update.

Last night she brought it ip again. Apparently she's been showing people pictures of me (I knew it was about bragging rights!!!) and regaled me with their outlandish comments. I told her I didn't care either way. Then she asked if I liked myself how I am now. Told her I've always liked myself (a lie ofc , as I hated myself until I moved countries and went far ,far away). She then said "come on , admit it, be honest , don't you like yourself more now?". I repeated that I've always liked myself and it's her that has had a problem with my weight. That shut her off and she sulked off.

The really ironic thing is I have been at this weight before at various points in my life. I was too fat then though.

Well done - you played her out of her own game. Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Honey, you are beautiful... full stop. Your mum or anyone else who comments on your size, shape, or anything else, regardless of whether you're a size 8 or size 28, needs to have a damned good look at themselves. Please know that you don't have to put up with that from ANYONE.... stick 2 fingers up and laugh. And if it ever comes up again IMMEDIATELY call a halt to the conversation!! Who needs that garbage!!!

Bragging rights are surprisingly important to elderly parents- my mother does the same. She always thought she was thin and I was overweight-but in fact I was a similar weight to her most of the time despite being 3 inches taller. It's all about perception- she insists she was only 7 stone when she was younger, but if you look at the photos it's clear she was at least 9-she looks in the mirror and sees someone thin and beautiful she looks at me and sees someone who has always been happy with the way they look and instantly feels it necessary to tell me I should do far more to look attractive-delusional and narcissistic.