DH dragged DS off the couch and onto the floor.

[Mincepiesformee]

DS (8) is autistic (on the moderate to severe end) He is mostly a lovely, happy little boy but can pinch, scram and bite when over excited or overwhelmed. DH and I disagree on how best to deal with this. I move away as soon as he begins pinching or I distract him with bubbles or a song.
DS will refuse to move out of the way, says if we do that then it’s teaching DS that he can get away with these behaviours. Earlier DH was gaming when DS began to scram and pinch. I offered DH my seat but he refused to move away and the situation escalated, he ended up physically pushing him away then dragged DS by the arms off the sofa onto the floor. DS then had a huge meltdown which resulted in my sitting with him holding his head to prevent him head banging on the living room floor.
I told DH not to drag him off the sofa and just to move away, that’s what I do and DS loses interest and moves onto something else.
DH said I’m encouraging bad behaviour and not correcting DS.

I expect to be flamed for hyperbole here, but I would ask DH to move out until he had spent some time learning about autism and the kind of parenting your autistic son needs. The National Autistic Society runs courses for parents, as do lots of other organisations, and there is no shortage of books and online resources. He has physically assaulted a disabled child. That's a "never event" and it needs to be treated as such.

This is a totally unacceptable way to deal with poor behaviour at any age, regardless of other vulnerabilities. I would also be asking my DH to leave.

Dealing with an autistic child is unbelievably hard. Its a stress like no other. As long aa this is a one off and its unlikely to happen again and he learns from it. He needs better coping strategies for sure.

He was out of order but I agree with PP. As a parent of a child who behaves similarly to yours it is very difficult and very stressful. You need to teach right from wrong but also allow for different needs. Only you k ow your husband and k ow if this was a one off awful mistake or if it's something that could happen again.

So dragging him off the sofa is teaching him how to behave is it?

Your dh is an abusive cunt. I have 2 boys with autism, he is teaching his son that the strongest person gets their way. In 10 years time that boy may well be stronger than him, he’ll certainly less boundaries and poorer control and he wil ALWAYS remember how he made him feel.

Is kick the fucker out, then your son can’t pinch him.

Wow.
I'd be extremely concerned about an adult man thinking dragging a child with special needs is acceptable and a good parenting approach.
My 17 year old DS is autistic and I know the stress and pressure. He needs to either learn about autism and how to cope with situations properly or leave. Surely he can see that him dragging and pulling DS hasn't helped at all? It did in fact make the situation much worse.

Off topic, but what does “scram” mean in this context? I’ve never seen it used this way so rather curious.

Obviously dragging him by the arms was inappropriate and counterproductive since it resulted in a meltdown. Does he pinch and bite at school, and if so how do they handle it?

Your oh was in the wrong but also if your current techniques aren't really working you need to seek further support. At 8 pinching etc is a whole different thing than when he's a grown adult and may be more violent.

Being a carer is exceptionally stressful. Do you both have sources of support? There is often less support for Dads.

Thats awful and you are not over reacting. If he doesnt accept he was wrong i would kick him out as it will happen again. He needs to learn some parenting techniques.

Obviously dragging the child was wrong, autism or not it’s not how to tell a child to stop doing something. I don’t think just ignoring the behaviour is right either.

He can on occasion pinch, bite and scram in school. Teachers and pupils. Scramming means clawing with his nails on people’s arms, legs etc.

They use distract techniques, lead him to a sensory area and encourage him to self regulate. They also encourage him to be kind and say No firmly.

Scram can mean scratch or claw, apparently.

My way of dealing with it is to firmly say no pinching, no biting, stop! Then I always move out of his way. DH won’t move and sees moving as DS winning and us not dealing with the behaviour but it always escalates and DH ends up covered in scratches and DS seems to want to attack him more.

👌👌👌

Does DS have language understanding?
Any learning disabilities?
Mainstream or specialist schooling?
Can he access reading with understanding, for example? Do you use objects of reference, pictures, signing or words to support his understanding?

I don't think he should have dragged him, but I think he's right that you don't let him get away with it. He needs to know right from wrong regardless of his autism and nobody else will be as accommodating as you, by moving themselves and blowing bubbles. It sounds like you really disagreed on how to handle this before this happened, and the lack of consistency is stopping DS from learning and DH from acting appropriately. Everyone's frustrated.

Does dh expect that ds will outgrow this behaviour? If so he may as well move out now... Reminds me of the op who's mil thought her dc would be less autistic by Christmas and could attend an event... Some people just don't get ASD... But abusing your dc en route to some understanding isn't acceptable..

He’s in a specialist setting, says lots of single words, severe learning disability, more like a toddler in his behaviours and understanding. He does understand everything we say though and understands when a behaviour is wrong.

You both have valid points.

It must be horribly stressful, my heart goes out to you.

I agree with you.

Yeah that’s the issue we have is our different approaches to dealing with difficult behaviours.

How do the school deal with it?
Do they have complaints from parents if their child is scratched, kicked or bitten?

Do you see him getting better as he gets older? If not, what on earth are you going to do when he is 15 and scramming.

That said, pulling him off the sofa probably wasn't helpful
Is there a half way house between you singing to him and his dad pulling him off the sofa?

I did shout at DH for dragging him off the sofa (by the arms and onto the floor) I felt like he could really hurt him. DH isn’t happy with my correcting him and says I’ve treated him terribly tonight. He has concerns that when DS is fully grown that he will still be attacking us and it won’t have been dealt with. That he could seriously injure us in a few years.

Most of the kids in his class have similar behaviours, mostly thankfully he has been stopped from attacking/biting etc and directed away but sometimes it’s random and he suddenly bites or pulls hair etc.