DH dragged DS off the couch and onto the floor.

[Mincepiesformee]

DS (8) is autistic (on the moderate to severe end) He is mostly a lovely, happy little boy but can pinch, scram and bite when over excited or overwhelmed. DH and I disagree on how best to deal with this. I move away as soon as he begins pinching or I distract him with bubbles or a song.
DS will refuse to move out of the way, says if we do that then it’s teaching DS that he can get away with these behaviours. Earlier DH was gaming when DS began to scram and pinch. I offered DH my seat but he refused to move away and the situation escalated, he ended up physically pushing him away then dragged DS by the arms off the sofa onto the floor. DS then had a huge meltdown which resulted in my sitting with him holding his head to prevent him head banging on the living room floor.
I told DH not to drag him off the sofa and just to move away, that’s what I do and DS loses interest and moves onto something else.
DH said I’m encouraging bad behaviour and not correcting DS.

Your inability to get your point across without using such unnecessary vile language probably suggests that you should be ignored when giving any advice on behaviour!

This is physical abuse! You need to make very clear to dh that if he ever touches him again you will leave - he cannot be allowed to get away with this. He also needs some training on autism as he clearly doesn't understand and that is going to make life hell for your poor little boy who already has to deal with being autistic in this world.

What jumps put at me is the school move him away after saying No but at home, you move away.

I think what someone said about seeking support is really important so that there is consistency.

I suggest you ask his school key worker if that’s an appropriate way to handle your child when scramming. That’ll sort the wood from the trees here

your DH is abusive, he needs to be told that

and if he, as an adult, can’t control himself by moving away when your son is over excited or overstimulated then you need to protect your child and leave

Its difficult with autism but it seems like your DH doesn’t actually understand how an autistic mind works, it’s not giving in to him by moving, especially if the child is told no and why

He won't necessarily know that at all. He's not trying to get anything by pinching. He's not using it as a way to obtain a treat or get his own way. He's over stimulated and can't regulate himself in a normal way. My son doesn't do this, but has other ways like flapping, jumping and clicking. He also lays on the floor when overwhelmed. These aren't schemes to get his own way, he simply can't cope with the situation around him.
No, it's absolutely not acceptable to hurt other people. Ever. But this isn't a NT person - OPs DH presumably is a NT adult who knows you don't drag people around and hurt them. It simply doesn't work with autism. It makes things worse. I do know some other parents who have had children with autism that bite and scratch and pull hair, and these children have grown into young adults (like my son) who don't do this anymore. It didn't require violence to obtain that result, it required patience and techniques like focusing on different ways to self soothe.

This is abuse, and if I were a professional working with your family, I would have to report this to social services.

Is it a one-off?

Social Services would I think be c useful - for any chance of respite and proper training and support as to how to deal with it

Does your ‘D’H understand anything about autism? As a mother of an autistic child, I found this distressing to read. Your child was so upset he’s self harming. He was clearly very dysregulated with your DH.

Id get some advice from your local autism advisor to get some parenting courses. Your poor little boy.

The thing is, that your son probably won’t understand that being dragged off the sofa and getting hurt was because he was scratching your husband.

I'm pleased to see the classic MN response of LTB is getting less of an airing than it used to.

Like leaving the poor OP ALONE to deal with increasingly violent behaviour will help her in any way. With the strong possibility that her DH will discover the joy of no-aggro living, and not return. Not 'get educated' as some think will magically happen.

This family need a middle way.

Do you have a good level of understanding about the autistic brain and how to parent an autistic child? you do realise that autistic people (and autistic children in particular) feel pay very differently and being physical with him you are going to have the opposite result? God this is depressing.

Of course, better an abusive man than no man at all 🙄

That’s what was so distressing. DS was so upset at being dragged off the sofa (upside down) that he started head banging on the living room floor. I had to hold his head to try and protect him. He then started punching his head. It was distressing to watch. I was the one that had to stay with him for a long time until he calmed down. DH came downstairs later expecting me to apologise to him (are you going to say sorry then for the way you have acted tonight?) for how I had treated him.

Whilst I don’t support violence against children (though I don’t think this counts as violence) your husband is in a no win situation he is doing what he thinks is the right thing to do, I have previously posted about my daughter being attacked by a girl with autism at school and getting in trouble for punching her back. If a child is being violent then this needs to be stopped and I believe your husband has done what he thinks is a way of doing this, you feel moving out of the way and blowing bubbles is right. I don’t have experience of an autistic child so I don’t know but I am guessing both are wrong.

As for all the people suggesting your husband moves out etc they are idiots you know your son is not at risk from him and don’t really think your son’s life would be better without him there ?

Genuine question is this a reason to allow an autistic person to hurt someone else ?

The idea is not that you “allow” the autistic child to hurt someone else. Rather, you distract and teach them it’s wrong by saying “hands down “ or whatever your phrase of choice is. Mainly, you ensure this doesn’t happen when it is avoidable eg by moving away or by ensuring that their sensory needs are met.

He's right though. Your way doesn't work and neither does his. He's 8 now, there will come a point where his clawing, pinching and biting will become harder and you'll have zero chance of restraining him.

Let's be clear here. He assaulted your child. And a particularly vulnerable child at that (not that it's ever okay). Regardless of the challenges your child needs to be safeguarded and alternatives of how to manage behaviour found. Honestly, I would be telling DH he has to leave, or leave yourself, and be contacting the police. If he had dragged you off the sofa what would you be doing or a friend said their partner had done that what would you be saying? Let alone a child...

His teachers use the phrase “kind hands” which we both also use at home. We hold his hands and look him in the eyes saying firmly “kind hands”

This 👍

Bollocks to ‘seeing both sides’! He wouldn’t be anywhere near my child ever again.
Would you tolerate this behaviour towards your child from anyone else?

Here to second this. Your DH is a danger to your son. His response was unacceptable.

(Parent to two ASD children, one with ADHD and additional MG needs, so understand the desire to lash out in frustration, but absolutely never, never would. That ‘s the point you remove yourself from the situation.)

The fact that your DH was ‘gaming’ while with you and your child says it all. He needs to grow up and focus on his family then he might know how to deal with his son better

This.