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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's behaviour in social situs.

99 replies

ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 09:31

Hello all,

Half of me thinks IABU, half of me has a few bells ringing. Sorry it's long...

Back story, married for 6months, been together 5years. DH struggles to make friends, but has made a few through sports clubs etc over the last 18months. When we first got together he wasn't honest about a few ex relationships, and was very defensive about his online behaviour as basically felt a bit ashamed of being a bit "desperate" at low times in his life. Was fine, worked through it.

Now the last week we have had some social get togethers. One on Friday was a sports club party. A lot of our mutual friends were there so it was chance to have a good get together and a few drinks. I wasn't drinking much and kept pretty low key just catching up with people.

Halfway through the night he disappears from the main room, and one of our friends asked where he was. I was chatting elsewhere so didn't take much notice. It then became apparent he was outside with a group of young women on his own, and had been buying them shots and drinks. I went out to say hi and to check in, realised they were all quite drunk and left them to it.

We moved onto a bar(it was quite late by then) and said I was going to go home. He said it was fine for me to go and leave him there and make my own way home on my own. The only people left out now was this group he'd been outside with and a couple of guys he doesn't speak to. I stood and talked to the guys for a few mins, and they all said they were leaving soon, which I mentioned to DH and said we should probably make a move too (it was around 1am). He was swapping social media details with the girls at this point.

On the way home, he became very OTT of "you didn't mind me talking to them did you, I had my wedding ring on, you're my wife" etc etc. I was a bit bemused by it all but left him with it as he was drunk.

The next day I asked him who he'd been chatting to and he said he couldn't remember their names. I said he'd added them on SM (he was next to me when he did it) and got "oh, you've been stalking me have you". I told him he was being unreasonable with that comment, and he apologised.

Now after that reaction and the general "overreaction" on the way home, I can't stop thinking about the whole evening. He basically cold shouldered his friends in favour of this new crowd, and his immediate defence reaction when I mentioned SM has just left me feeling it's all a bit pathetic, and it's given me the ick. AIBU?

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 02/12/2024 09:32

He sounds incredibly immature. And a bit sleazy.

Hercisback1 · 02/12/2024 09:33

He does sound a bit grim and sleazy.

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 02/12/2024 09:44

If he behaves like that when you are there OP I dread to think what he does when you aren't.
He doesn't sound trustworthy.

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/12/2024 09:49

What a husband.
🙄

BlondeFool · 02/12/2024 09:50

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 02/12/2024 09:44

If he behaves like that when you are there OP I dread to think what he does when you aren't.
He doesn't sound trustworthy.

I was thinking the same, if my partner acted like that, he'd be dumped 🚩

Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 09:52

Just to add, the group he was outside with are part of the same club, he hadn't wondered off and found some randomers ha!

OP posts:
Tillybobbins · 02/12/2024 09:52

Another vote for @Isthereanypointtoallthis.

DreamyB · 02/12/2024 09:53

Ughhh OP! His group of “new friends” were probably thinking at least this creep is financing our night buying us shots. It’s at the very least icky. I’d take a very hard line with this. Why would he need them on social media? Will he ever see them again? Hard no from me

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 02/12/2024 09:53

Oh.
Sounds like he got off on chatting up the other women right under your nose. The ott chat was him testing your reaction to see if he had got away with it. Expect this behaviour to get a whole lot worse. He doesn't respect you and I'd bet my house that if you complain about his actions he'll turn it on you and accuse you of being distrusting, paranoid, clingy, possessive, controlling, not necessarily in that order.
It's not you. It's him.

BlondeFool · 02/12/2024 09:55

ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 09:52

Just to add, the group he was outside with are part of the same club, he hadn't wondered off and found some randomers ha!

That doesn't make sense. You said he was with a group of young women and he couldn't remember their names the next day so they are randoms. He's a sleaze.

Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 09:55

@DreamyB the group are in the same club so there is a high chance of everyone seeing each other again. It is a very social "community" of people so to be honest, that side didn't bother me too much. It was the reaction afterwards which was more of an ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 09:57

@BlondeFool they're relative newbies to the sports club. I've met one of them a couple of times (me and DH train at different times) and he's met them in passing when they've been training as he's left etc.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 02/12/2024 10:02

Sounds just like my ex, to the point where he'd do it (start talking to them right next to me.
It was all "just being friendly" and I was made out to be the bad guy.
To cut a long story short he was cheating. He slept with everyone who would have him and did it right under my nose, in fact I think he got thrills from it and it became a game to him, to see how close he to home he could do it. I think he wanted to see how much I would tolerate.
Unfortunately my family and friends covered for him and he ended up getting my teenage brothers best friend pregnant, to which he fled the country rather than face up to a. Telling me before anyone else did and b. Becoming z father.
Your DPs behaviour reminds me so much of his.

cantarguewithfools · 02/12/2024 10:02

Either way, he ditched his mates and wife (!!) to hang out with and buy drinks for a group of girls. He obviously didn’t have good intentions.

I would just tell him he has embarrassed himself and that everyone noticed. If he wants to embarrass himself that’s fine, but you’re not going to allow him to embarrass you so it’s time he wised up.

What did he think was going to happen? That if he bought enough drinks these girls might be interested in him? What a loser.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 10:04

Ask yourself why a man would buy shots for younger women he doesn't know.
At the least he is a fool, which would indeed give me the ick

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/12/2024 10:10

I know a couple of people like this , it's not necessarily because the random group was females that he was interested in. In both cases I know the person struggles socially massively and alcohol gives them some confidence but still not the right skills so they still don't get it right. In the 2nd case the person it specifically would have been because they are women. Not because he is attracted to them but because he has this strange idea that if a couple of women appear interested in him then his 'friends' will somehow think he/his life is more interesting than it is and will include him more. He never makes a move on these ladies it really is just some weird thought process.

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 10:11

I’m not clear on what your earlier paragraph (about him not being honest about former relationships, being poor at making friends, and having been ‘desperate’ (for what? Sex, friendships?) in the past has to do with his behaviour at the party? Are you saying he’s so bad at making friends it felt easier for him to ‘buy’ friends by funding the drinks of a bunch of young women whose names he doesn’t even know than talk to people he actually knows at the club?

StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 10:12

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re overthinking. It just sounds like it was just a random drunk night out. Lots of people get talking to ransoms on a night like that.

It is annoying though, particularly if the girls were less drunk and saw your DH as an easy target for free drinks. It would be humiliating to be married to that guy.

Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 10:22

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 10:11

I’m not clear on what your earlier paragraph (about him not being honest about former relationships, being poor at making friends, and having been ‘desperate’ (for what? Sex, friendships?) in the past has to do with his behaviour at the party? Are you saying he’s so bad at making friends it felt easier for him to ‘buy’ friends by funding the drinks of a bunch of young women whose names he doesn’t even know than talk to people he actually knows at the club?

Edited

Just an insight into past insecurities/behaviours I guess. He says it's nice when people want to talk to him, outwardly he is a lot more confident than he used to be (when these behaviours happened) but I do wonder if they still loiter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 10:23

cantarguewithfools · 02/12/2024 10:02

Either way, he ditched his mates and wife (!!) to hang out with and buy drinks for a group of girls. He obviously didn’t have good intentions.

I would just tell him he has embarrassed himself and that everyone noticed. If he wants to embarrass himself that’s fine, but you’re not going to allow him to embarrass you so it’s time he wised up.

What did he think was going to happen? That if he bought enough drinks these girls might be interested in him? What a loser.

But if it is a confidence thing, won't this be even more "damaging"?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 10:25

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/12/2024 10:10

I know a couple of people like this , it's not necessarily because the random group was females that he was interested in. In both cases I know the person struggles socially massively and alcohol gives them some confidence but still not the right skills so they still don't get it right. In the 2nd case the person it specifically would have been because they are women. Not because he is attracted to them but because he has this strange idea that if a couple of women appear interested in him then his 'friends' will somehow think he/his life is more interesting than it is and will include him more. He never makes a move on these ladies it really is just some weird thought process.

This rings true, and I wasn't too bothered about that side of things. It's more the reactions since which have made me feel a bit meh.

OP posts:
cantarguewithfools · 02/12/2024 10:25

ThatLoudTealZebra · 02/12/2024 10:23

But if it is a confidence thing, won't this be even more "damaging"?

Show quote history

That’s not your problem. He should be embarrassed! He has disrespected his wife and his marriage with his actions. I think letting him know everyone noticed will make him think twice about carrying on like this again. Otherwise he will think he was being cool and got away with it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/12/2024 10:26

@UnrelatedTo in the case of the 2nd person I know yeah. He has a huge lack of confidence and thinks everyone must think he is boring because he rarely goes out. Its true he rarely goes out because he struggles massively with any social interactions and his job is customer facing so getting through a day at work is draining for him. But he is an intelligent guy with a lot of interests he just can't see that side of him. He would never go and chat to a group of ladies if he hadn't had a few drinks and he would never go and chat to one lady even with a few drinks it will always be a group. It doesn't happen every time he goes out but it does sometimes I have known him years and he never tries it on with them it really is just some very weird thought process.

TallulahBetty · 02/12/2024 10:29

Ickkkkkk

mumda · 02/12/2024 10:39

Shame you married him . I suspect you'll be back with more tales if you stay with him .