DH's behaviour in social situs.

[ThatLoudTealZebra]

Hello all,

Half of me thinks IABU, half of me has a few bells ringing. Sorry it's long...

Back story, married for 6months, been together 5years. DH struggles to make friends, but has made a few through sports clubs etc over the last 18months. When we first got together he wasn't honest about a few ex relationships, and was very defensive about his online behaviour as basically felt a bit ashamed of being a bit "desperate" at low times in his life. Was fine, worked through it.

Now the last week we have had some social get togethers. One on Friday was a sports club party. A lot of our mutual friends were there so it was chance to have a good get together and a few drinks. I wasn't drinking much and kept pretty low key just catching up with people.

Halfway through the night he disappears from the main room, and one of our friends asked where he was. I was chatting elsewhere so didn't take much notice. It then became apparent he was outside with a group of young women on his own, and had been buying them shots and drinks. I went out to say hi and to check in, realised they were all quite drunk and left them to it.

We moved onto a bar(it was quite late by then) and said I was going to go home. He said it was fine for me to go and leave him there and make my own way home on my own. The only people left out now was this group he'd been outside with and a couple of guys he doesn't speak to. I stood and talked to the guys for a few mins, and they all said they were leaving soon, which I mentioned to DH and said we should probably make a move too (it was around 1am). He was swapping social media details with the girls at this point.

On the way home, he became very OTT of "you didn't mind me talking to them did you, I had my wedding ring on, you're my wife" etc etc. I was a bit bemused by it all but left him with it as he was drunk.

The next day I asked him who he'd been chatting to and he said he couldn't remember their names. I said he'd added them on SM (he was next to me when he did it) and got "oh, you've been stalking me have you". I told him he was being unreasonable with that comment, and he apologised.

Now after that reaction and the general "overreaction" on the way home, I can't stop thinking about the whole evening. He basically cold shouldered his friends in favour of this new crowd, and his immediate defence reaction when I mentioned SM has just left me feeling it's all a bit pathetic, and it's given me the ick. AIBU?

Still not sure what you mean about past behaviours, op. Did he use prostitutes? Has he been accused of stalking, loitering or anything similar? Obsessions? Taken on its own, i don't think I'd be that bothered by dh talking to a group of people (mind you, dh is sociable and talks to most people) women or not. But buying them drinks would certainly yank my chains. And if he had a history of 'certain behaviours' then that would turn into a major red flag for me. And then gaslighting you when you call him out? Something isn't right here, op, trust your gut.

Can’t be that shy and socially awkward if he’s talking to groups of girls and buying them shots, whilst giving you the cold shoulder.
It’s like he’s baiting you to get a reaction out of him for chatting up other women and adding them on SM.

You are not pathetic at all.
However, he is just tragic.

Just lots of commenting on female friends SM, telling them he loves them etc. It was from a long time before we got together and he admits it was when he was in a low place and very lonely. He denied it initially, along with some small lies about people he'd dated out of embarrassment.

Nothing major, just shows the lack of confidence/social awareness in the past, and maybe in a minor way it's still underlying.

My prediction would be that he will be having an affair in the next few years.
You cannot 'stalk' your lifelong partner, the whole point of being married is that you are partners with no major secrets.
Yet another seedy man.

I can see why he has trouble making friends if he tends to dump them on an evening out and embarrasses himself trying to get in with a group of young women instead by buying them drinks.

How awkward for his wife in front of her friends. I wouldn't be making 'he's so shy' excuses for him. He was rude and sleazy.

Ok thanks for the input. I am struggling to see the "seedy" side to it, I think if it had been a group of lads he'd of done the same too, it's wherever gives the most attention when there are a few drinks down I think. I'm just struggling to work out whether I'd be giving it as much headspace as I am if it had been guys.

I honestly don't think he was looking for "attractive women" attention, it's just attention. The aftermath I think is more questionable as it feels like he expects me to be "unreasonable" about it.

Op I think you were hoping we would all say there there, poor little love just needs a bit of a confidence boost. Instead you are being told that it's not just the later comments, but the behaviour at the event that are all part of the problem. All this vagueness about what he has already spun you. Are you minimising? Do you believe his excuses/lies?
What aren't you telling us, what aren't you facing?
Do you want permission to forgive him? It's up to you.
But honestly, you have posted here for a reason. Trust your gut.

I think you know him best ,you know if he is a sleeve or not Certainly the person I know who does this isn't. He doesn't do it at all in his work life and he goes out at most maybe 3 times a year. He also has these weird thought processes whereby if you were to say to him that's a nice jumper you have on, instead of taking it as a compliment he would think it means you don't normally like his clothes so he would then be very likely to go out and buy the jumper you have remarked on in every available colour and only wear them for the next couple of years. For him it definitely is social awkwardness, it isn't a case of being shy , it's a case of not being able to read cues, or understanding meanings, nuances.

What do you want to know? I think I have been quite open? I have posted as I am genuinely unsure whether I am being unreasonable or not.

I do trust him in I don't think he'd ever cheat, but obviously his behaviour bothered me a bit and I'm trying to get outside views to put my finger on it.

The views I have had differ very much from what I thought was bothering me. I didn't see it as sleazy, just a bit daft and oblivious of him, until the latter comments.

You seem to have given him a label that he 'lacks confidence' and you're using that to explain away all his poor behaviours. Where does that end?

It's not anything I think you should have to tell us, sorry if it came across like that. It's more that I think they are questions you should be asking yourself about him.
You've been very vague on here about things you found out about his behaviour from before you got together. We don't need to know what they were, but I wondered why you haven't told us. That's why I'm wondering if you are minimising, or looking for a reason to accept his excuses. Or taking his explanations as the truth when it might not be.
I've got a bad feeling about him and I've only got what you've told us to go on. If my DH treated me like that at an event we were attending together, I'd be really unhappy. I'm not sure why you seem to think it's ok?

@NotbloodyGivingupYet it isn't ok for him to treat her like that at an event , but the reason for him treating her like that could have some bearing on the way she deals with it. So he could be a total sleazebag in which case the way to deal with it would probably be fuck you and ltb.

If it is more the social awkwardness, missed cues etc as in the person I know, if you were to say to him you have disrespected your wife you appear sleazy to the others there he would A) be devastated and B) not go anyway socially again for a long long time for fear of making the same mistake.
Social awkwardness doesn't excuse his behaviour but depending on what the OP wants as a result it will have a bearing on how she has to deal with it

The comments since to you suggest to me that he thinks he was doing something wrong.

I understand what you mean OP and I would be annoyed too. It does sound like your DH lacks emotional maturity and appropriate boundaries, perhaps due to his upbringing and a lack of experience with relationships? I have found similar behaviour in men who struggled to have romantic / sexual relationships within the usual developmental parameters, e.g teenage years. It’s definitely possible to work on social skills and boundaries and I’m assuming you’ve had these conversations. I think his behaviour could make people uncomfortable as messaging women declaring love on SM is quite a ‘creepy’ (inappropriate) thing to do and again just shows a lack of social skills and maturity. Does he want to work on these things? You wouldn’t want these incidents to keep cropping up.

@sweeneytoddsrazor I think we kind of agree but are coming at it from different experiences.
You are comparing him to your friend, I'm coming at it from the other side as it were.
She does need to know what it is she is dealing with, and in her shoes I would not be taking his words at face value. Also whatever is going on with him, she does not have to put up with his poor treatment of her.

You've only been married six months and already he wants his who stroked elsewhere.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here.

I've just been talking to a friend about it who knows him, and she has said it sounds like he's reverted to being emotionally unintelligent and instead of owning the fact he was probably not in his best light, his awkwardness around it has made it weird and is what is causing my "unease". .

@sweeneytoddsrazor this does describe him very accurately.

If any of the girls had made a move I do believe he would have been out of there at pace, and he was talking about me and him to them. It is a very social environment and everyone does chat to everyone, he was just off the mark with his actions with isolating himself with them, not checking in/going to defence mode.

@ThatLoudTealZebra His reaction has again been immature and unhelpful. You need to know he has some insight into his behaviour - otherwise it could keep happening! From experience I think men like this tend to ‘revert’ to this sort of behaviour unless they actively manage it and understand where it comes from. It’s stressful as a partner. Hopefully he responds better when you bring it up again, assuming you will. He is not being very considerate of your feelings.

Thank you. You are spot on. Need to have a think about how I can discuss this without the defence creeping in...

This behaviour scream narc to me.

Does he have other narcissistic tendencies? Being sycophantic and displaying his best self to complete strangers whilst ignoring the one person he's really supposed to care about is textbook, as is triangulation (trying to make you jealous of others).

In any case it isn't nice behaviour.

Ugh, he sounds very embarrassing.

How doesn't this give you the ick.

@ThatLoudTealZebra ‘I’ statements are pretty good at reducing defensiveness in others, focusing on how his behaviour made you feel. I think this is just basic communication and respect, but I don’t think you need to pander to him about this or feel on egg shells at all - as your husband he really should be sensitive to your feelings and feeling a bit mortified by his own behaviour. If he didn’t then I would have quite serious concerns moving forwards tbh.

I couldn't date someone with such poor social skills and so little self worth. Not saying he is a bad bloke at all but I couldn't deal with it .

Yes it sounds like deep down this validation matters to him, makes him feel better look these people like me, I'm worth something. He needs to admit that though. Full disclosure I have made some silly decisions when drunk, all down to very low self esteem and the need to be liked. If it is that he will be defensive as he will be ashamed.