DH's behaviour in social situs.

[ThatLoudTealZebra]

Hello all,

Half of me thinks IABU, half of me has a few bells ringing. Sorry it's long...

Back story, married for 6months, been together 5years. DH struggles to make friends, but has made a few through sports clubs etc over the last 18months. When we first got together he wasn't honest about a few ex relationships, and was very defensive about his online behaviour as basically felt a bit ashamed of being a bit "desperate" at low times in his life. Was fine, worked through it.

Now the last week we have had some social get togethers. One on Friday was a sports club party. A lot of our mutual friends were there so it was chance to have a good get together and a few drinks. I wasn't drinking much and kept pretty low key just catching up with people.

Halfway through the night he disappears from the main room, and one of our friends asked where he was. I was chatting elsewhere so didn't take much notice. It then became apparent he was outside with a group of young women on his own, and had been buying them shots and drinks. I went out to say hi and to check in, realised they were all quite drunk and left them to it.

We moved onto a bar(it was quite late by then) and said I was going to go home. He said it was fine for me to go and leave him there and make my own way home on my own. The only people left out now was this group he'd been outside with and a couple of guys he doesn't speak to. I stood and talked to the guys for a few mins, and they all said they were leaving soon, which I mentioned to DH and said we should probably make a move too (it was around 1am). He was swapping social media details with the girls at this point.

On the way home, he became very OTT of "you didn't mind me talking to them did you, I had my wedding ring on, you're my wife" etc etc. I was a bit bemused by it all but left him with it as he was drunk.

The next day I asked him who he'd been chatting to and he said he couldn't remember their names. I said he'd added them on SM (he was next to me when he did it) and got "oh, you've been stalking me have you". I told him he was being unreasonable with that comment, and he apologised.

Now after that reaction and the general "overreaction" on the way home, I can't stop thinking about the whole evening. He basically cold shouldered his friends in favour of this new crowd, and his immediate defence reaction when I mentioned SM has just left me feeling it's all a bit pathetic, and it's given me the ick. AIBU?

It's definitely tone deaf and inappropriate

He may not actually have been trying to pick them up but it just sets a bad tone.

There are some people who are naturally insecure and struggle with social situations who feel they have to "prove" how socially capable they are by being hyper-extrovert, talking to/"making friends with" everyone and working a room. My ex was like this and it went hand in hand with being an alcoholic and very socially inept but feeling he had to cover it up. I found it exhausting being constantly introduced to huge groups of randoms as if they were long-lost friends, knowing that they'd be forgotten about within 24 hours. It's exhausting, fake and disrespectful.

Either he's a real sleaze who is not good at hiding it, or he's got some fairly major social problems. Is he a big drinker? I've noticed a lot of alcoholics do this as its often the only time they feel "alive".

I would be giving this marriage some serious second thought.

@Thepeopleversuswork no he's not like that, he has to be pulled into a conversation, but once he's into a group/discussion he will give it his all. Sport has been his saviour really and given him a social circle and he is now one who will welcome newbies to the club, whether that be male or female when training.

Neither of us are big drinkers, he did drink a lot at this get together, but it's rare. Probably drinks a lot 2-3 times a year and that's it. He does get validation from being part of something though for sure.

Sorry to say but he sounds like a total creepy. I'm not surprised you have the ick. I think the no confidence thing is a red herring, he's just creeping on young girls because he thinks he can and that's why he got defensive because he knows he shouldn't be doing that. Those girls were probably just laughing at him.
Are you going to let him humiliate you like that again?

It sounds to me like a lot of it was down to trying to get your attention or trying to get your back up, especially when you didn't rise to it so then he started trying to start the argument himself.

On its own assuming no other red flags or controlling behaviours, it looks like very low self-esteem.

Does he take coke?

Nailed it.

The confidence thing isn't a red herring, we've been together 5yrs and negotiated a lot so I know his self esteem is not good. It's a lot better than it was when we first met (longer than 5yrs ago) and seems to surface again in certain circumstances.

No. Never touched drugs.

When you first got together he showed you who he was - dishonest.

You both went to a social event, he ditched you for a bunch of young women who he was splashing the cash on, told you he’d rather stay with them and that you can go home alone and then gaslighted you afterwards.

He sounds like a right catch.

@ThatLoudTealZebra Would he be open to therapy to improve his self esteem? It could really help. It does sound as though he seeks a lot of external validation. Low self esteem work usually involves looking at boundaries and assertiveness too, as it is all interlinked.

@Plastictrees We have discussed it before but he's then worked on himself and it's not come up again for a while.
However the weekend has made me re-evaluate and I think he has been masking pretty well... I am going to suggest it again as I think it would be beneficial, thanks.

he was outside with a group of young women on his own, and had been buying them shots and drinks

I bet they were laughing up their sleeves at the creepy letch trying to ply them with shots and drinks, whilst telling his wife to go home alone, and then asking for their social media details. Cringeworthy!!

As for his protestations about him wearing his wedding ring - hysterical - like he thinks they’d be all over him practically ripping his pants off if he wasn’t wearing one 😂 Nah there’s no shortage of self confidence there at all.

I can guarantee you that everyone in the sports group sees him for the creepy disrespectful individual he is. It’s a shame you don’t see it too.

i did this age 12 because my abusive mum called me socially inept

obviously at that age there was no alcohol or sexual agenda with me but actual behaviour was the exact same

OP, you sound lovely and kind.

But you will have to tell him firmly, from a place of love that he needs to cop himself on big time.
His behaviour is not acceptable and can come across as inappropriate and creepy and there is no diplomatic way to say that.

You need to tell him, it is only you who cares enough about him to spell it out, as ye are married.

Tell him that, that sort of behaviour is embarrassing and makes you feel both uncomfortable and that it is disrespectful of you.

That this sort of behaviour will give you the ICK and therefore could do irreparable damage to your new marriage.

You are married 5 minutes and you have every right to be concerned.
I certainly would be and I would also get the ick.
Once you get it, it is hard to shake off.
I would be mortified if my husband behaved like this.

Deal with it.
I would also understand if it pissed you off that you even have to have this conversation with him.
That in itself is a bit icky.
Sorry!

@WickedlyCharmed I really agree with this......

If this is indeed about low self esteem then surely it is also problematic in other areas of his life and indeed your relationship. Is this so?

@Electricalb I think I have realised I genuinely don't mind who he talks to, I do trust him from that point. It is the bits around it which have annoyed me, the low level gaslighting and just disregard and protesting when I haven't said anything.

@Princessfluffy yes it has been on occasions. We have been through a lot and it has improved in a lot of ways, but I have realised there is obviously a lot still to be done. Just wish it wasn't me having to make all the realisations.

He preferred the company of a bunch of girls to you. He bought them drinks and wants to be part of their gang on social media. How embarrassing to be pursued be a married man with his wife nearby. And why was he discussing you and him with them?

People were asking where he was - they most likely knew where he was and were bringing it to your attention.

Surely he knows how to behave and would presumably want to behave when with a partner when out socially? Ask him why he squandered money on people hanging around outside a bar.

Yeah, much better 🙄

I think you need to make DH aware of the effect that his low self esteem is having on you and on your relationship.

Yes he needs to spend some time reflecting and gaining some insight here. It can’t be you doing all the mental work.

Grim. And desperate.

Totally agree with this. You must have bags of self confidence to approach a group of young women on a night out. I think even a classic extroverted man who makes friends easily wouldn't make a beeline for a group and insert himself in their evening all night mainly due to it being a) a bit weird b) high chance of being socially rejected by the group and c) completely rude to ditch the people you have come out with.

OP did the girls look like they were enjoying his company or were they giving off vibes that they wanted him to piss off? If it's the latter then he REALLY needs more guidance on picking up social cues whatever his intentions were.

I don't think he necessarily expects you be "unreasonable". I think he's surprised you're not pissed off with him.

The reason he expects you to be pissed off is because he knows what he did was it t of order.

He doesn't expect you to overlook his behaviour as he knows it was disrespectful. The fact he's expecting you to react shows he knows how in the wrong he was

Gross man.

how old is he, and how old are these 'young women'?

I wouldn't necessarily say it's sleazy, but it's off-putting behaviour as it comes across as a bit desperate to buy anyone several drinks, essentially bribing them to be friends with you. It would be weird if they were a group of young men all a decade or so younger than them as well - basically either a self-confidence thing of feeling 'not good enough' for people your own age so think you will impress younger people (like an immature 18 year old seeming cool to a bunch of 14 year olds), or, conversely, having a high opinion of himself and thinking he isn't a boring old fart like all the other people his age, he's still one of the cool kids, hanging out with the youngsters (who are probably only tolerating him for the free drinks).

It's perfectly normal (in fact a good thing) to have mates outside your own age group when you get to know them organically because you have stuff in common, but when you leave people you know well to hang out with people you don't know, all of whom are significantly younger than you, and bribe them by buying them things, it's a bit of an ick.