Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

It’s easy for you to say you’ve chosen class neutral, timeless, universal names without sharing what those names are.

I was making the point that those things are subjective. For me a “posh” name would be something more conservative, like some of the names PP have suggested.

Literally amazed that 66% of the people reading this thread think it’s totally ok for him to veto all the names put forward without once offering any ideas of his own 🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry but most if not all of your choices are the epitome of “instamum” baby names.

Your choices all have a similar ‘vibe’ and obviously it’s not a vibe that appeals to your husband. You’ve got to find a middle ground where you can compromise. As for mums being more interested in girl names than dads - 🙄. You are equally entitled and responsible for naming your child.

If he’s not making any suggestions then by all means say that unless he comes up with suggestions himself then you’ll be making the decision. Until then, you both keep making lists until you find something you can agree on. It’s not easy but you’ll have had at least the length of the pregnancy to get it sorted. Many people talk about names they like/dislike for a future baby for years before actually having one.

It’s not that - one pronunciation is German, one is French - both are valid.

You’ll find 1000s of Olivias though. When I was a teen the only Olivias were umc friends of my mother’s. It was a posh name, then it became aspirational, now it’s everywhere.

I agree. What’s middle class is very subjective and it shifts.

Ah, my mistake. I thought the name was originally German (as that’s where I first heard it) and I thought it was so pretty sounding. Less impressed with the French pronunciation then unfortunately 🤣 but it does make sense that it’s used more often in the UK as it seems more phonetic, albeit harsher.

And nothing wrong with those names at all.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom It depends, reverse snobbery is a thing. Anyway I'm not saying middle class names are a bad thing per se, just that the OP's list isn't class neutral IMO.

@Plum02 I was only replying to the poster who asked what my child is called. I was trying to describe what type of name it is, without actually putting my child's name on a forum. Think Anna, Emma, that sort of thing.
I'm not saying anyone else has to pick a name like that, so not sure why that's getting so much attention from PPs.
But since you and your husband can't agree, a neutral name might not be such a bad thing to consider. Other than the ones I've mentioned there are lots of other nice ones - Sarah, Hannah, Helen, Laura, Rebecca, Rachel, Victoria. Classic and pretty, and I doubt he'd have such a strong reaction against that sort of name.

Before you give your daughter an extremely frilly name, could I suggest that you read this thread first?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5218156-teenager-wants-to-change-their-name

It might be better to choose a neutral sort of name, just in case your DD shares your DH's taste.

These names are top 100 names, they are not particularly out there. I’m not going to choose a name I think my DC might want to change in future, I’m choosing names I’d love to have as my name. No one can predict something like that unless they choose something truly bizarre.

I’m not going to suggest names which aren’t my taste!

I think Jane and Sarah are actually more out there than Ottilie these days! I know loads of Ottilies under 5.

I'd personally much rather have an unusual name then be the third child in the class with the same name.

Girl wants to change her name to Tank - what are we supposed to infer from that ?

Reverse snobbery is certainly a thing. Very much in evidence in this thread.

But to be honest, the kind of people who are going to give you a hard time for being called Ophelia are likely to be the same sort of people who will mock you for going to a top university, speaking a foreign language, listening to classical music, and anything else they consider to be "posh". These are people who don't want you to get ideas above your station. They're the kind of people who will drag you down rather than lift you up.

And at the other end of the spectrum (the snobbery end, as opposed to the reverse snobbery end), there are people who will judge you for being called Lyla-Rae.

The thing is that the kind of people who will judge you for being called Ophelia probably don't have much to offer you, they just want you to stay in your place and not get any big ideas. Whereas the kind of people who will judge you for being called Lyla-Rae are more likely to be recruiting for a job you actually want, and more likely to give it to you if your name is Ophelia.

I don't think these names- Rebecca, Rachel etc are particularly classic or neutral. They read very 80s and 90s to me. Which isn't a bad thing in itself but there is no such thing as a neutral, timless name. Names just cycle around.

@Plum02 Well, Ok, but clearly your husband doesn't like your taste, so you'll have to compromise somehow unless you want to keep suggesting names to your taste that he then turns down, on and on.

I don’t think Ophelia and Octavia are class neutral from any decade. Penelope is quite posh (but lovely, Penny is more neutral). Margot is pretty posh (even Princess Margaret preferred to be called Margo, great name though and Margot Robbie has made it a bit more accessible).

Ophelia is most known from Shakespeare so no better really than Hermione if we’re talking literary characters.

Anyway, the point is your DH needs to put some suggestions forward, but I agree with pp and maybe wait until the baby is born. Even when we got our puppy we realised our preferred names were wrong and gave her something completely different so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that you might throw all the names out anyway once you’ve seen your little girl.

It’s German originally, but the French version is quite old and well established.

Yes, the poshest women I know who are my own age (late 30s) are called names like Alice, Victoria, Charlotte, Emma, Emily, Frances, Isabel and Mary.

The poshest woman I know full stop is about 20 years older, her name is more like the ones on the OP's list, but her daughter's name is Lily.

The problem is everyone wants to find the “new” version of something popular, so their DC sound like they fit in, while still hoping they’ll be the only one in school - so Ophelia becomes the new Olivia, and I suspect Octavia might become the new Ophelia as it grows in popularity too (all four syllable classic names, all Shakespearean). We have seen a similar if more obvious thing with Eva/Ava/Ada and Mia/Maya/Mila, Lila/Lyra/Leila, Lily/Tilly/Milly, Ellie/Ella/Elsie etc etc

I personally think very few names are really seen as “posh” anymore - I couldn’t have imagined names like Hugo, Rupert and Sebastian ever in the Top 100 for boys but here we are. Maybe one day Persephone and Ptolemy will make the Top 100 too and then they’ll be no more arguing on the baby name boards about whether something is too posh or “try -hard” 🤣

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Depends. You're assuming everyone wants a typically middle class job. Maybe the OP's daughter will want to be a beautician or a mechanic. How much will she fit in those environments with a name like Ophelia.

@Allswellthatendswelll They might have had a surge of popularity in those decades but no one would raise an eyebrow at them and they don't stereotype the person as being from any particular class.

Give herself a nickname like Phil or Fifi, if she feels the need.

Hmm, I wonder if I would have any luck getting people to pronounce it the original way here in the UK then. I suspect it may be like the Greek name Selene - it’s supposed to be pronounced like “Seh- lee- nee” but everyone always pronounces it as “See- leen” (the French way) here in the UK. What is it with Brits turning every European name French? 🤣

Yes I was thinking she could be Fi or Lia quite easily if she wanted.