Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Im in my early thirties and have a really unusual name (never been in the top 100). I was never bullied for it at school. I went to school with other kids with unusual names who also weren’t bullied. And those were the days when every other girl was called Jessica or Laura. And I grew up in a very working class area in Birmingham.

I’ve worked in secondary schools and have never known a child be bullied for their name unless it rhymed with something,
like jay being called gay for instance.

My kids are now in primary and the range of names is massive from traditional names like Clara, Elsie, Isla to names like Skye and phoenix and none of the kids care. I’ve heard piss taking from parents talking about other kids having been given ‘weird’ names though.

And the names the OP likes are in the top 100, Margot is really popular (been growing in popularity since the paper towns book came out 15 or so years ago).

Try names close to your choices, so instead of Margot try him with Marguerite , Marjory, Margaret.

I love your names, OP! (Minus Ottilie TBF). Anyway does sound annoying, he ought to be giving reasons so you have something to work with, and coming up with suggestions of his own. Definitely a two yeses situation but he needs to contribute something as well!

I did find it very frustrating when my DH vetoed some of my favourite names but I absolutely love the name we've come up with together for our DS due in Feb. I'm still sad about a couple of the girl names he vetoed but may never be relevant for us!

I doubt it. In my son’s nursery we have Matilda, Martha, Florence, Aurelia, Margaret, Margot, Ottilie and Florence. These kinds of names are not at all uncommon now and it’s very unlikely children would be bullied for them unless they’ve been raised by the kind of arseholes who think it’s acceptable to behave that way.

Also I have a classical / old-fashioned name myself, never met another one over the course of my entire school career, and was never bullied for it. It was never commented on at all. Kids don’t have the same associations about names that adults do, they just think whatever they encounter is the norm.

@Mirabai Not standard anywhere I've lived, I don't know one person, adult or child with those names. All of my child's nursery classmates have names like Isla, Sienna, Ella, Archie, Logan etc. as well as some ethnic minority names.
I myself have an "ethnic" name as I'm a second gen immigrant so I don't know why you're assuming I've never heard names from different cultures. Having a name that is typical for a certain culture is totally different to giving your child a name that sounds like something from a historic novel, or a car brand, or a peelable orange fruit.

@GridlockonMain Ok, must be regional then. Apart from Florence I've never heard of a child being called any of those names.

Well then you need to get out more. I have no idea why you’re whining about names that are unfamiliar to you as a 2nd gen immigrant.

What were first gen immigrants told their names sounded like? Do you remember that?

Jonquil is a pretty femine name. It is a name associated with daffodils

Why the racist comment?

She wants to give her child a name she likes.

Why are people being so rude on this thread?

She didn't ask for opinions on her name choices. She asked if her husband is being unreasonable by vetoing all her name choices whilst making absolutely zero contribution himself.

In my area some of those names are popular with the pj wearing school runners to be fair.

@jannier is it racist?

Some people do live in very non-diverse areas and this influences their views on what they consider to be “the norm”. Or indeed, a “normal name”.

The baby name board is can an interesting one when a poster is suggesting a name outside of specifically white English cultural norms.

You think that in 2035 around 1000 eleven year old girls are going to be bullied at secondary school for being called Margot, the 59th most popular name in the UK right now?

Really?

Edited to say, bloody hell, even Ophelia and Ottilie are well inside the top 100 right now. They're way more common than Sarah right now and not much less common than Emma.

I will just warn you OP - i couldn't settle on a name for 6 weeks post birth and my family STILL talk about it, like a newborn went through some dreadful trauma. And despite having a c section booked i went into labour 2 weeks early. Just saying - get your pants on and sort this soon.

@Mirabai I get out plenty, thanks. I'm not "whining", just replied to your assertion that names like Ophelia, Clementine and Margot are standard.
No idea about the rest of your post - what does being a 2nd gen immigrant have to do with not knowing anyone called Ophelia etc? I'm not unfamiliar with the names, just don't know anyone called that.

Oh dear! We have er quite a few of these names in our extended family. Obviously we are either posh twats or faux posh twats depending on who you ask on this thread!!

Make him write down 20 names he a actually likes.

@SemperIdem It's not racist, just quite a strange take. None of the OP's name choices are typically associated with non white cultures so no idea why you the "you just live in a white conservative area" dig was made.

Not really. Names can be used to bully children, but children aren’t bullied because of their names. A confident, popular child will sail through school with any name and a child who someone wants to bully can have any name twisted to torment them. A few people on this thread have suggested Sarah as a nice safe name, but that didn’t help Psycho Sarah from my school. And that’s notwithstanding the fact the three names you’ve listed are all top hundred so whether you know any or not, are all standard names for a girl born in the 2020s.

Penvelope? Like the character from "Toast of London"?

"Pen" for short, like they did in that show.

Do you really want DD to be “Octavia Plum02” in the class? I know loads of Matildas, Theos, Albies etc (besides the point I get that)

You need to choose the name together so if he doesn’t like a suggestion, you have to discount it but he needs to start bringing something to the table.

My husband would knee jerk reject my name suggestions, I think he felt that if he didn’t outright reject it then he’d end up agreeing to something he wasn’t comfortable with. He was also terrible in coming up with suggestions

In the end I downloaded a table of ONS data with names and I highlighted all names that I didn’t outright dislike. I then gave it to him to do the same, then we slowly whittled it down.

This worked really well as it gave him time to think through the names without feeling pressure to respond immediately and didn’t place too much importance on any one name. Plus we could see what type of names we both liked.

Because immigrants have names that are “unfamiliar” to the general population.

They may not be unusual in their culture but they’re unusual in the wider milieu - which is the same here. For whatever reason you’re not familiar with top 100 names in the thread so you make jibes about them.

I would read up on what racism actually is before you make comments like that.

@Plum02 I know you said you weren't looking for opinions on the names but would some suggestions be helpful?

It sounds like you like long, frilly, pretty names and your DH thinks these names are too posh.

Perhaps we can suggest some names which might work for you both.

How about:

Josephine
Emmeline
Theodora
Marianne
Claudia
Vivienne
Rebecca
Caroline
Tamara
Adrienne
Louisa
Catriona
Olivia
Phoebe
Rowena
Violet
Alexandra
Cecilia
Eleanor
Annabel