Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

clementine and octavia are both very classic names

Maybe as he knows your names are so out there he feels you won't even consider his preferences so thinks why bother not everyone likes names like you picked he might prefer a common name. Have you actually sat and talked to him properly

You do sound pretty obsessed how can you spend hours researching?

Whilst PP didn't ask for comments on the names. They aren't especially unusual /wanky/old fashioned etc. Maybe it's regional?

There are lots of little margot, ottille and ophelias about and I know at least one clem and etta. The only octavia I know is about 25 and the car thing annoys her.

But generally they sort of are the isla/ava names which honestly weren't hugely popular 25 or so years ago and then became much more so.

Could you get a list of top 200 names and each tick names you like and see if you both ticked any?

You are just embarking on a journey that will test you both to the maximum. If you have not already then explain how his reactions are hurting you - my ex just thought everything was banter! You both feel very strongly about names - so stop spending time on your own researching and do it together list of 500 names find the ones you love and put a star next to them - then compare.

It sounds like he's being a bit harsh when he says no to the names, but I think he is 100% entitled to his opinion and you should both equally like your child's name, I don't think the fact that it's a girl makes it any more your choice. I wouldn't want my child to have a name I hate, so I wouldn't make my husband feel that way either. We have 4 children, and we both agreed on all of their names, even though initially if really felt like we would never find a name we both love, but we always did.

@jannier some people like the name to be chosen because they like it’s origin or what it means or base it on a fictional work they admire. I was really invested in my name list as i want the names to mean something to us. in the end DS was named after the birth name of the apostle that shares DH’s name so in a way i was able to name DS after DH without them sharing a name in an obvious way. Top pick for a girl would have been a name where the nickname would have sounded like my mother’s name and also been a variation of a name of a classic fictional character close to me

I like Octavia. Looking beyond the fluff of it being used for a car, it was the name of the wife of Mark Antony, someone who had to be very strong to put up with all his philanderings alongside his great battles. Clementine is a bit more unusual, not just a citrus fruit🤣 Winston Churchill’s wife. Another woman made of stern stuff. Haven’t checked, but might have American origins🤔

There are posters on MN who seem to live in regional pockets of the U.K. that are super-conservative and white.

I don’t know what they would make of London schoolkids’ names - Kwame, Apollo, Mai Chen, Shaminder, Kabir, Zofia, Taddeus, Zoltan, Owetu…

Ophelia is a bogstandard English middle class name.

Another tip - be careful of naming your child after someone in real life or celebrity you admire. They may turn out decades later to be a wrong-un.

Hi, OP. Oh my, this thread has been a bit of a minefield for you to navigate. Your names are fine; not everyone has to love them - my real life name is literally one which I have never met another. I love it. Yours are quirky, less common, pretty classic overall and honestly - who would care about the car for Octavia? Maybe Mercedes would work :) Perhaps a name like Jemima or Madeleine would make you both happy. I know so, so many people do go with family names etc - but using a very common name would just not be my cup of tea. I feel your quandary! Can you choose first and he chooses middle? i wish you luck.

I don’t get why so many people are focussed on the names? The problem here is her DH refusing to engage with choosing a name, he’s not made any suggestions but dismissed all of the OPs ones, that’s the problem!

And it’s not like the OP has suggested made up names, they’re all traditional names that have been around for years. Not everyone wants to give their child a plain name like Sarah. I hate it when people call their children things like ‘Skye’ or unique spelling like ‘poppee’ (both in my Dds class) but don’t get as worked up about it as half the posters here have. There’s lot of over the top responses here.

Has your husband agreed to come up with names now @Plum02 or looked at any books/apps?

We have 3 Ottie's at prep school - Ottie, Tilly and Otillie.
Not uncommon around these parts these days.
Have him come up with a list and then narrow both lists down to two each and boil it down like that.
I'm very much of the opinion that the final say should go to the mother, who has, after all, done all the hard work. His name could be a second name.

I feel for you. My DP was like that about our DC and it's really frustrating. Tell him he has to bring at least 10 names to the table for you to consider or he's going to have to go with one of yours. If you don't like any of his then he offers up 10 more.

In the end, we gave up. After DS was born I said what name it should be and he STILL vetoed it even after 56 hours of labour 😆 Some men are just assholes. He accepted the next name I said after that which was just off the cuff grabbing at a name from me! Still, it works.

Why would the kid be bullied? That kind of says more about you if that’s what you think would happen.

Thirty, forty, fifty years ago parents really did play it safe with names. I think we had two Marks, two Matthews, two Lauras and three Julies in my primary class. Oh and three Lisas. Names outside of a narrow field might well have been seen as “weird”.

We tend to be more outward looking these days so there are more likely to be a wider range of names in a class. Plus in lots of schools there is a broad ethnic mix so lots of names you may never have heard before.

It also might depend on your circle - in some circles Kai or Jaxon would be an outlier name. In others it might be Penelope. That doesn’t mean either kid would be bullied. I would hope we’ve raised this generation of children to be better.

We have a Skoda Octavia. I also have an old friend called Octavia. Funnily enough, to date, I have always managed to avoid confusing the two.

As for it not being a 'professional' name, I think my friend would beg to differ since until recently she was the CEO of a well-known multinational company. There are several shortenings which are used by friends.

I love Madeleine but I worry it’s too strongly associated with Madeline McCann now.

@Tiredalwaystired Oh come on, imagine going into a typical secondary school and introducing yourself as Ophelia, Ottilie or Margot. You'll have the piss ripped out of you from day one.

@Mirabai
Standard maybe 200 years ago.

Thanks, I agree it’s very regional! These “types” of names are the norm where I live even if a couple of them are more regional, so there’s no way she’d get bullied for one of these names.

It just goes to show from some comments saying the names are weird and no longer in use and others saying they’re too common and not original!

That really depends on where you live and what type of school you go to.

No, standard now. They’re popular names.

See my above post. If you think Ophelia is outré I don’t know what you would make of multicultural city classrooms - Bulsara, Artan, Gugulethu, Lakshmi, Devansh - they would definitely outnumber the bullies who can’t cope with anything that’s not Ella.

It must be regional as I don’t know any.

Marianne?

You're 33 weeks so not too much time left to decide. You need to sit him down & ask what names he likes. Ask him to come up with 5 names he likes & you might get an idea of why he doesn't like the names you've picked. Could it be they're too fancy for him, too old fashioned maybe? Get a baby names book & ask him to have a look through it to give him an idea of names he might not have thought of that you both might like.