Resentful SAHM...

[BoneTiredandWired]

I'm a SAHM for the moment. I have a 17 month old, and a 4 year old in Reception.
I do all the cooking
All the laundry
All the cleaning
Majority of the childcare.

DH... works! Earns actual money.
Does DIY
Sometimes does cute craft projects with the 4 year old.
Takes the eldest to school, and to a Sunday activity.
Quite often I have the kids on a weekend because he has to work for an afternoon.

Does that seem normal and fair? I think it is, but also I can feel so unappreciated and screamingly resentful. Guess this is all boringly normal :( and I'm just in a rut.

Studying part time is helping.

I’m a sahm but I wanted to be so it’s different.

i have a 4 yo who only gets 15 hours childcare. The rest of the time I have my 4 yo and 14 month old and do all childcare cooking and cleaning. DH will do some household stuff like empty dishwasher and sometimes cook a roast on a Sunday.

i suppose the way I look at is I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my children while they are young so I try to relish the walks in the woods and playgroups. I will get a job in the next year or two so for me this is just a season of my life. I’m not going to lie it’s tiring but my husbands life is tiring too!

I’ll await my roasting as mumsnet hates a sahm

Generally I would say that in the hours your husband is working you should do any of the household chores which you are reasonably able to accomplish whilst doing childcare. This may be all of them or none, depending on your children and your house set-up. Then outside of work hours all remaining chores and childcare should be split equally.
Is your husband doing extra work at the weekend because he is contracted to do it, or because he is a workaholic? Would a different job help or do you as a family need the extra money?

I see being a SAHM as my job, and that includes the majority of the housework and all of the cooking (mostly because I actually enjoy cooking and find it relaxing, whereas DP doesn't and never has!).
I work very part time, from home, for a family member, and have a 13 month old I have plenty of time to do the housework etc but also plenty of time to do fun things with the baby (I work on DP's days off/in the evenings when she's in bed) and by myself (go for a swim/run, see friends for a coffee etc). I chose to be a SAHM (something most MNers seem to loathe, we're a scourge on society, according to most of them) and enjoy the playgroups/walks/park trips etc. I think that is important!

It’s ok to admit you don’t like it and go back to work. It’s not for everyone, I hate housework!

It sounds like you don’t want to do it. Can’t you go back to work?

Do you appreciate your DH ogoing to work every day and earning money to keep the family afloat, it works both ways. I really don't know what you are asking,

Both you and your partner are busy all day. After work I don't think that he should get to put his feet up while you carry on running around.

When he gets home you should be a team for cooking/clearing up/ bath time etc - it shouldn't all be down to you.

well your options are to go back to work or become a single parent

some people are doing all 3 and getting on with it

Who do you feel resentful towards and what about?

Is it just you don't feel your partner appreciates your efforts. Can you try to get some quality time together and make sure you both express thanks for each of your contributions

That's because it's relentless and goes unnoticed. It's called the invisible work that isn't appreciated. Working in a work environment is different to washing everyone in the households dirty underwear and socks and cleaning up after them. It's their stuff and also their house. I think it can come down to whether you feel respected too. Yes, housework should be done by the one at home but at the same it's directly serving others that isn't amazingly pleasant. Some love it, I don't know how, and some don't so they go back to work.

Why did I post in AIBU... Oops!
I was made redundant, and childcare costs are beyond us at the moment. I also do enjoy a lot of it. I think I feel sad that even on weekends the lion's share of the childcare still falls on me.

Also - do partners of SAHMs with toddlers really never do any laundry? Or cook? Is that the deal for DH being the breadwinner?

Cheers. I'm attempting to get on with it too, but clearly I don't have much moral fibre...

I think the key is that you make sure you both get a similar amount of free time to either pursue hobbies or just chill in the house away from tbe kids. When I was a SAHP with kids that age, it was easy to feel like you were losing your identity, so I found having child-free time out of the house was very important to me.

I do really appreciate DH being the breadwinner. We were in full agreement about me being a SAHM for a bit, he was supportive of that. And he's a lovely man, he's great.
I think I probably am being unreasonable - but sometimes the drudgery feels more intense, especially when wrangling a toddler.

Really good point @FinnJuhl

Maybe you aren't cut out for life as a SAHM. Days consisting of housework and childcare aren't everyone's cup of tea. They weren't mine.

Husband does laundry - mainly his own clothes (I do some too but he likes to wash something the second it’s dirty!!) like gym kit and he might bung some kids clothes in too. He does 2-3 washes a week I’d say. I do about 5+. I mainly hang washing out but nowadays if he’s around and notices it he will hang washing out too if he knows I’m doing something else busy for the household and he really loathes hanging washing!

I cook most weeknights, he might cook once in the week. He will do a breakfast (pancakes or eggs) for the kids on one weeekend day id day. Often a roast.

I will do the lions share of childcare at the weekend as I simply have more tolerance and patience. He might do 2-3 hours each weekend day before getting snappy.

I don’t do any ironing so he has to iron all his own shirts.

what are you most resentful about?

free time? Or cleaning? Or cooking?

cooking I enjoy. Cleaning I like the end result. I did have a cleaner for a bit when DC2 was a newborn. About 8 times before they couldn’t come again.

free time - can you do a weekly evening class?

@Frowningprovidence Yes, I really think we need to express gratitude towards each other more. Thanks x

Re. not being cut out for being a SAHM... I do enjoy the children! (Most of the time 🙈) And I like cooking. I think it's just the knowledge sometimes that this is really mostly on me, and I look at DH playing chess on his phone and want to scream.

Do you want to be a sahm?

If you don't. Then get a job

I work FT and my OH is the SAHM. I know we are both doing our bit because we have equal amounts of time for ourselves (basically none). Do either of you get time to yourself and is it even?

Does he actually have to work at the weekend?

Working six days is really tough, on both of you.

Can you stop the weekend Working?

@Nc546888
Good question... If he just cooked maybe once a week, occasionally gave the children a bath and chucked in some laundry on the odd occasion, that would help.

I'm already doing an evening class, and that is helping a lot!

Sorry OP, the ‘breadwinner’ as you seem to resentfully call him, is the one who is bringing real money in. Not sure why women are so surprised by this when they outsource the breadwinning to their partners and stay at home to look after the kids.

MN doesn’t like to hear it, but SAH parenting is not the same as going to out to work. A proper job comes with conditions and a different type of pressure. You could also go out to work and the you’d both be sharing the load equally in every sense and outsource some of the housework.

Wow, thanks!!!