Resentful SAHM...

[BoneTiredandWired]

I'm a SAHM for the moment. I have a 17 month old, and a 4 year old in Reception.
I do all the cooking
All the laundry
All the cleaning
Majority of the childcare.

DH... works! Earns actual money.
Does DIY
Sometimes does cute craft projects with the 4 year old.
Takes the eldest to school, and to a Sunday activity.
Quite often I have the kids on a weekend because he has to work for an afternoon.

Does that seem normal and fair? I think it is, but also I can feel so unappreciated and screamingly resentful. Guess this is all boringly normal :( and I'm just in a rut.

Studying part time is helping.

Absolutely they are different roles. One of them gets acknowledgment, intelligent interaction and socialisation. The other is often thankless, boring and relentless.

Don't underestimate the energy doing a job that gives you status or acknowledgment gives you. That's why so many people struggle when they retire. The sense of self worth and position gives you more than just the pay packet. SAHP get little of this.

@lolahe Sounds a great set up!

Can I just say - 'only a toddler'?! Fuck me, today has been about nursing him through teething and stopping him trying to fling himself down the stairs (etc...)

Yeah fuck me I just reread that one. He gets them dressed and breakfast and does school run and the little one does nursery in the mornings?!???! 12 hours child free time?!?!? I don’t think this is the usual SAHM set up

Fuck off fuck off

I was a sahp I did-
Care of Ds in the day except 15 hours nursery
Cooking mon - thurs
All pots
Most laundry
Dusting/tidying
Hoovering/mopping
Deep cleaning
Bathrooms

Dh-
Worked
Put ds to bed
Cooked Fri-Sun
Garden
Bins
DIY
Technical
Cars
Occasionally put a load of washing on or empty dishwasher

We each got a lay in at weekends and care of ds at weekends was shared.

Hope you are ok OP! YANBU.
I take my hat off to stay at home mums. To me it sounds like hell.
I'm barely cut out to be a mother, I'm definitely not cut out to be a SAHM.
It sounds like you're husband does help a bit at home after working 6 days too.
The evening class you are doing is good.
Not sure what else to say.
Maybe an endpoint will help you? Would you look for a job when your youngest is in pre school?

Normal except a SAHM would usually take the school-aged child to school.

Thanks, that's helpful 😌 @cherish123

Being a SAHM is hard and it's not as easy as get a job then (a phrase I hear too often). My situation is different as I'm also a carer for DS. He's 4: but only does 2: hours a day at school. I do all the cooking, cleaning, school drop offs and pick ups, laundry. DH does bath and bed 3 x a week but not much else, although he obviously is at work.
I think what gets me the most is that every Saturday afternoon in football season he goes upstairs to listen to football on the radio and play on his Xbox. I get that's his time to relax but when is mine?
I love DS to bits obviously and I'm lucky to be at home with him but I miss work too (and having a wee by myself). I get it's hard but I don't know how to change it.

More mouths to feed? More pressure to maintain the income

Op I don't blame you. It's horrible to have everything to be dumped on one person. I'm a sahm too BUT my dh appreciates me as a person so helps as much as he can and if he can't then we have a cleaner and some pt nanny help. I appreciate not everyone can do this, but dh helped a lot before we could afford the help.

Being a full time parent is NOTHING like working full time in a salaried role with the pressures and insecurities that come with that. Knowing your hour to hour day feeds mouths and puts roofs over heads.

Then they can work?

Eh?

No its not and its the wrong way to look at it. If you have one SAHP and one WOHP then the role of "breadwinner" is no less and no more important than the role of "breadmaker".

If you think of yourselves as a team running small business (the family!) then you should aim for each of you have equal "profits. Aim for equal leisure time (and studying or being at home with a toddler are not leisure time) and each should have equal shares of the "spending money".

The key thing is that word "team" and both being bought into equal shares of the benefits and equal work - whatever that work may be.

Him doing the school run is good in this sense. It’s hard with a toddler in tow.

Sorry, I was a bit nuts last night. I blame sleep deprivation for me massively misreading something and then responding madly :(

No worries. Hope you steal some rest this evening

I’m currently a SAHM (I’ve extended my maternity leave, don’t plan on going back to work until DC is 4) with a toddler.

We have a weekly cleaner (who does most of the laundry) and DC goes to the childminder three days a week from 9am-4pm. DH does most of the day to day tidying/cleaning/dishes, and most of DC dinners, bedtimes and breakfasts. We share night wakings (DC is a terrible sleeper). I do the other stuff (food, life admin, the rest of childcare, etc).

I feel pretty good about my life, but I think I’d be quite depressed if I had your setup.

It's not fair if he is the breadwinner 9 til 5 and gets a nice rest every evening and most of the weekend, but you are on call 24 7 and running around like mad every evening and weekend. You need to work it so you have equal leisure time

OP I would be irritated by this too, DP and I both work full time, we both contribute equally (we do different things but equal amounts of effort). I would be annoyed if it was unbalanced as equity is something I feel really strongly about. Outside of work hours, the contribution should be 50/50 or you will end up burning out.

Have you had a conversation about it? When occasionally my DP goes on a bit of a slide with contribution, I don’t ask him to do stuff, I just assume he is and ask how it’s going, very occasionally I will need to be direct and just ask him to get on with stuff, but I don’t position it like it’s to help me, it is to do his part, as a member of our household and dad to DC.

This sounds like a top tier SAHM setup!

I think of it as it shouldn’t be easier than being single, and if you do almost no housework cooking or parenting then it is easier being single, it’s not like these men wouldn’t have their job if they didn’t have kids. Of course a man with a sahm can cook dinner. I worked for a man who didn’t get home in time to do dinner (we were often still at work at 8,9pm) so he started doing a Sunday roast with the kids.

Easier THAN being single. A family is work and it shouldn’t just fall on you.