Resentful SAHM...

[BoneTiredandWired]

I'm a SAHM for the moment. I have a 17 month old, and a 4 year old in Reception.
I do all the cooking
All the laundry
All the cleaning
Majority of the childcare.

DH... works! Earns actual money.
Does DIY
Sometimes does cute craft projects with the 4 year old.
Takes the eldest to school, and to a Sunday activity.
Quite often I have the kids on a weekend because he has to work for an afternoon.

Does that seem normal and fair? I think it is, but also I can feel so unappreciated and screamingly resentful. Guess this is all boringly normal :( and I'm just in a rut.

Studying part time is helping.

Sorry that came out much harsher than it was supposed to.

I meant simply that being a sahm isn't for everyone, and you don't have to do it if you don't enjoy it

@Ytcsghisn
Babe, I'm not resentfully calling him the breadwinner. It is a fact that's his role, and I am very grateful to him.

I've done working with one child, and found the juggle very hard too. Again, I'm probably just a bit lacking in general

Here in my honest opinion and I was very close to being SAHM (but work part time)

If I was a SAHM then I would expect to take on the brunt of the child care and the house work. During the hours DH is out of the house working that is your time to sort out the kids, get the laundry and housework done.

Once DH is home it should be 50-50. Assuming most of the house work and laundry is able to get done during the week when you’re at home with the kids - It should be things like washing up, cooking, sorting bits out that you couldn’t do with kids about, and of course the childcare.

DH shouldn’t get to come home and rest whilst you continue to “work” doing solo parenting.

You also need to have a night each a week to yourselves. Why can’t DH take the kids one evening and do bedtime whilst you go out? With friends or by yourself for a few hours?

@Dishwashersaurous
And I sounded very snappy, sorry! My employment prospects aren't amazing, but looking into part time work may be the next step.

Op...my dc are teens now. I have been a sahm through the majority of their lives. Yes all cooking and laundry was and is down to me. I was and am happy with that. I think it's fair enough.

Did you not talk through the expectations of who's doing what before you became a SAHM?

Tbh I'd expect that you should do most of the running of the home, cooking, cleaning etc. I don't mean this in a nasty way but working parents still have to do all the things you've listed plus fit in a shift at work. I think you'll have to both compromise and meet each other halfway on this.

you are at home all day with only a toddler. That older child is in school. I would say it sounds fair that you take care of the housework/cleaning etc. There is more enough time in the day.

Do you get similar downtime ?

Mums Lives Matter. Of course we love our children and doing stuff for/with them but we are also people with our own brains and interests that have not ceased to exist because we are caring for children. Studying is great, what other things do you enjoy doing? Putting our children before everything else doesn't have to be a constant thing, mums need time for themselves and time to pursue their own interests.

SAHM should read SAHP.

Not at all. You just sound a bit fed up.

You are definitely not the housekeeper, and he does need to pull his weight on the domestic stuff. So cooking dinner at the weekend. Unloading the dishwasher in the morning. Etc

As I said, I don't at all expect him to do loads more... just a little bit.
Downtime varies - most months we have a similar number of evenings out. So no complaining there!

Think it may just be that I've had a bit of a shit weekend, and things are looking rather grey.

You need to sit down DH and compromise. You shouldn’t have to take the brunt of the childcare on and house work in the evenings and weekends in my opinion. It sounds like perhaps DH isn’t pulling his weight as much as you’d like and you are getting a bit fed up and maybe feeling like you are solo parenting all week despite him being home evenings and most of the time at weekends x

I think the idea that men get a wife and kids and do LESS housework that they would when they are single is repulsive.

Men still work when they live alone. Why do they deserve to do nothing when they acquire a family? When there's MORE work, not less.

Yes, he should be doing some housework, you should have time to yourself. On the weekends, everyone pitches in.

How many hours a week are you studying? You need to factor that in before considering both of your down time. He should at least do some of his own stuff, like keeping the bedroom tidy, cleaning up after diy, doing a proportion of the laundry, stacking dishwasher etc.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor
It's 7-8 hours study time a week, and a 2 hour class.

If you do sahm activities during the week equivalent to his work then I see no reason it shouldn’t be 50/50 at weekends.

@Jl2014
Thanks! I do wonder why I feel guilty about asking him to do cooking on a weekend night... (and end up not asking him at all). It's really stupid of me - like I sometimes think I should be more grateful to him for letting me be a SAHM? Despite my moaning, I do enjoy being with my toddler (even when he's being particularly trying 🤪) and picking my 4 year old up from school etc., and I AM grateful it's what I can do for now...
Feels like I'm caught in a bit of a bind sometimes, unable to fully express myself to him because I'm worried I'll sound a complete cow.

This,a thousand times. You are BOTH working.

Yes, it seems normal and fair to me. If you dont want to be a SAHM you don’t have to, do you?

@BoneTiredandWired you have the right to have a moan OP, just like your DH probably moans about his work 🤷‍♀️..
Sahm here but kids are older now so easier even though one is sen. I loved being with my children but sometimes I struggled as well because parenting is 24/7 so you just never get a break. Is there a gm who can watch the children sometimes so you can get some adult time together?

I'm a SAHM to 4 little ones, my eldest boys (5&6) are in full time school, and my 2 year old gets 15 hours a week in nursery so it's me and my 8 month old until 11:30am but all day it's my job to do the majority of the household stuff, my partner does help of an evening he's out from 7am-7pm so he will usually help with baths and bed when he gets home and then we blitz the house (quickly) when everyone is in bed

It should definitely be 50/50 when he's home to help, otherwise you'll just end up feeling like the unappreciated housekeeper and that's when the "my days been harder than yours" arguments start

I think it would be fair to expect him to cook once a week, do a bath once or twice and chuck a load of laundry in every now and then. That’s not unreasonable unless he has a mad full on job (surgeon?!)

You absolutely should not have a dynamic where you do all the domestic work and he does nothing. As others have said, when he is home from work he should be playing his part. Yes it’s fair that you do more than him if you are not working but he should be doing some. That’s point one.

Point two is that your resentment of the situation is clear (and I don’t blame you). Being a SAHM doesn’t suit everyone. While your children are small it may make sense but over the long term it’s not a great way to live. You don’t want to be in a position where you are completely dependent on another person for money indefinitely. You are vulnerable.

Clearly you are in the thick of it now and childcare may be punitively expensive but over time if you feel like this it would make sense to be trying to think about getting your career back?

I'm now in a same sec relationship, but for years I was a sahm with a male partner. I'm now the breadwinner in my current relationship and my wife is the sahm essentially. I make every effort to pull my weight and notice and appreciate all the invisible labour she does. I used to do it myself, after all; I know how tedious and soul destroying it can be to clean the same sink day after day. There's no "done" when it comes to housework. Nobody to sing your praises at the end of a successful project. No end of year bonus. It's like you become invisible yourself.

I'm a sahm to a 6yo and 2yo. I'm pretty happy with our set up and don't feel resentful or unappreciated. We have a fair split of childcare and chores. DH gets both dcs up in the mornings and gets them dressed and gives them breakfast, and takes eldest to school. I look after 2yo all day and take her to nursery for a morning session. I do almost all cooking but DH will prep lunches and snacks the night before. We split laundry, cleaning, bedtimes and homework equally.

Weekends are spent as a family unit doing fun days out, DH oniy works Mon-Fri. I oniy get about 12 hours child-free time when youngest is in pt nursery, and we don't get any couple time without dcs except when they're in bed (and we're catching up on chores and admin). But we know it will get easier as they get older. I'm content with my decision to be a sahm and don't want to get a job.