Resentful SAHM...

[BoneTiredandWired]

I'm a SAHM for the moment. I have a 17 month old, and a 4 year old in Reception.
I do all the cooking
All the laundry
All the cleaning
Majority of the childcare.

DH... works! Earns actual money.
Does DIY
Sometimes does cute craft projects with the 4 year old.
Takes the eldest to school, and to a Sunday activity.
Quite often I have the kids on a weekend because he has to work for an afternoon.

Does that seem normal and fair? I think it is, but also I can feel so unappreciated and screamingly resentful. Guess this is all boringly normal :( and I'm just in a rut.

Studying part time is helping.

Are you saying you can’t work because childcare is too expensive? It’s natural to feel resentment if you are forced into a decision.

Have you thought of a weekly cleaner coming or an au pair to give you some time during the day? If not I'd get a pt job.

Some of these comments are unreasonably harsh, no doubt from people jealous of not being able to be a SAHM.

My opinion is that the division of chores is very uneven in your set up.

When you both worked full-time, did you split the housework and cooking 50/50?

When I became a SAHM I had this view that it was then my job to do EVERYTHING around the house, including all of the childcare, on top of all the night wakings, the breastfeeding etc. etc.

I eventually came to realise that actually DH should be doing his fair share when he's not at work, as I wasn't getting any respite whatsoever. Being a SAHM is work too, just because you're not bringing money into the family, you are saving it by not outsourcing the childcare and housekeeping duties.

You matter too. And your DH should absolutely be doing somethings around the house when he's not working. Cooking twice per week, the gardening, bins, some laundry as a minimum.

If you went back to work full-time, would he expect you to still do EVERYTHING then too? You are working, everyday 24/7, just not at a place of paid employment. He needs to appreciate you more and take some responsibility for his own home.

Yup. DH never do any housework or laundry or cooking or whatever. He doesn’t even know how to turn on washing machine. But DH works so hard and lots lots overtime. DH earns very good money. he never complain or ask me to contribute anything money wise. I think of being as SAHM as my job. I keep the house clean, the children in check, cooking, laundry etc.

More mouths to feed? More pressure to maintain the income

@Soscold if he was working three jobs, maybe. But it sounds like he's working one job, just like he would have been before. Doing less housework. Sorry, no.

I see this so often.

What on earth do people think women with mad full on jobs do?

A hint: it’s not zero housework or childcare.

OP you shouldn’t be doing everything on the weekends. Do what is possible around childcare while he’s at work, sure. Once he’s home he does what ALL MOTHERS WHO WORK do: childcare and housework.

You both need some downtime, you both need to be taking care of your children.

It’s certainly true that the responsibility of parenting is both providing direct care and providing financially. For now he’s doing all of one and so you’ll do most of the other. But nobody should be sitting on their bum whilst their partner does childcare/housework.

Ah OP, the drudgery of the housework and childcare can seem relentless after a crappy weekend, can't it?

I'm a SAHM to a 9yo, 7yo and 3mo. Prior to DS arrival in August our set up looked like this.
I was responsible for
• children's education & socialisation (we home educate)
• cooking during the week
• majority of housework and laundry

DH was responsible for
• working
• joint childcare during the evenings and weekends
• cooking on weekends
• joint housework on evening and weekends

When I was ill, which includes mental health and pregnancy, he would pick up the slack, and when he was ill or incredibly busy at work (at times he ends up having to work late or weekends) then I did everything. Ultimately, we're a team and there will be times when I do more or he does more. It really helps that DH shows appreciation for what I do.

Atm, with DS's arrival, I'm not doing much except holding him, and educating and providing socialisation opportunities for my other 2 children. DH's parents have kindly come to help us until I'm able to do more again.

This. The breadwinner has that mental load, responsibility and stress 24/7. It's not just a matter of their working hours. It's the strain and stress.

Doing housework isn't remotely comparable.

Even on weekends the strain of being the breadwinner falls on him. He doesn't get a break from the stress of knowing he has no option but to please his bosses so he can support his dependents.

He never gets a rest from the mental pressure, though.

FGS. DH and I both work and need to to pay the bills. I don't have a fainting couch for the stress and a servant for the housework. This idea that men are so fragile that working for a living (like most people) means they have to do nothing else is utterly ridiculous.

Shocked at some of the very sexiest views on here.

Just because he goes out to work does not mean you have to do everything all day long all evening long and all weekend long. The resentment is there for a reason!

Where the fuck is your time off?!

What a load of misogynistic nonsense.

Of course he’s gets a break when he’s not at work!

How ridiculous of you to suggest otherwise.

Its OP that never gets a break from the relentless pressure of parenting young children which is tougher than any job out there.

It's great that you're studying but it sounds as though you're in a rut. Can you do more as a family by organising your time better? Can you do some DIY while DH looks after the DC? Does DH really have to work at weekends? On the plus side, he takes DD to school and does fun things with her. Do you have fun with DC too, or are you always working \feeling down? Being a SAHM is tough sometimes, but it's a short period of time and it goes too quickly. Find a way to get the best from it.

It sounds pretty reasonable but does he not help out with the children on an evening? Similar situation here but I work two days a week. I take care of all housework, washing, cooking but when home DH will do with time while I tidy the kitchen after tea. I hate bath time as my patience spent by then so I really appreciate this and it's his time with the kids. He too works on a weekend and I hate it but have gotten used to it after years. I try to make plans to see family or friends instead so not another day alone with DC. DH will make breakfast on a Sunday too.

Unless you love housework, I would aim to go back to work as soon as possible. People don’t respect SAHMs (they should, but they don’t). It will make your lives harder for a bit but at least you will be more equal and you will get paid.

I don’t really understand your resentment; you sound like you get quite a lot of free time (evenings out, part time study, DH taking kids out at weekend), that’s a lot more than I get as a working mum juggling needing to be the breadwinner AND cleaning, laundry and cooking too. Working parents still have to do all those things as well, just on top of their jobs so there is no down time ever. If you enjoy caring for your toddler and have no employment prospects then it sounds a v fortunate set up for you!!! If your husband wasn’t around you’d be a single mum on benefits doing all the jobs you currently do but none of the let up. I usually see the load being unequally skewed against women but find it hard to feel sorry for you.

How convenient for him. Teach him.

Loving "only the toddler" comment. Some toddlers are so full on that it is very difficult to get much. You just hope they will nap and you can run around to clean and get your lunch. My husband will still cook dinner and put one of the kids at home even though he is at work and I am at home mainly. Why shouldn't he?

I think you should get a job!

This

Blah your in the hardest time of parenting it is constant 24/7 and sometimes it is just plain unfulfilling. Your husband sounds wonderful but maybe just lay out some things to help you with that might help. Sometimes I find telling my husband hey could you do xyz he is like YES but he wouldnt' think of it. ah the joys of being a mum are so hard. But in the end rewarding. Hugs again.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I do think everything on your list is your job at the moment, so maybe the issue is that your DH isn't appreciative of everything you do? Of course he should do half the work of bedtime stuff after work but otherwise that sounds like normal stuff to get done throughout the day.

Maybe he could bring the toddler to the older one's activity on a Sunday and you could have an hour to yourself? When do you fit in studying?

I had a year off with both of my children and was very ready to get back to work so it might be time to look for a job if this isn't working for you.

YANBU at all OP!

I’m a SAHM and my DH still does his share.

I take on the majority of the housework during the days which is fine, and I take on the majority of the Mon-Fri child-related job too, I.e the homework, bath time, reading, putting them to bed etc.

My husband loves to cook though so three nights a week (in the Mon-Fri period) he will cook dinner when he gets home and I will do the other two nights. He tends to cook on both Saturday and Sunday. He also takes care of the weekly food shop.

In the evenings when I am doing homework/bath/bedtime he will wash up and tidy the kitchen from dinner.

Two mornings a week he will make the children’s packed lunches for school before he goes to work.

We share taking the children to their after school activities and he’s very hands on over the weekend.

At the weekends he lets me have a lie-in both days and often brings me a cup of tea in and a sausage sandwich on a Sunday morning if I’m lucky. And that’s not a euphemism, I genuinely am talking about breakfast!

I tend to take charge of anything to do with the pets, family birthdays, house/school admin, medical appointments etc etc and just generally keeping on top of life.

And although I do take on the majority of the housework he will do any chore around the house that he sees needs doing I.e he’ll happily sweep and clean the kitchen floor, he’ll put a load of washing on when he sees a full laundry basket, he’ll hang the washing out if he sees the machine needs emptying etc, he’ll hoover if it needs doing etc

Some days before he leaves work he gives me strict instructions not to do any housework all day and just enjoy a day to myself.

I’m very lucky but I appreciate his role in the family and he appreciates my role and that’s what it’s all about.

This is such utter tosh.

My time of being the "breadwinner" with a SAHP was sheer, utter luxury. Able to focus on work without mental gymnastics around family schedules etc as we did with both working.

Suddenly I realised just how much easier life had been for all my male colleagues with SAHMs as they clambered up the career ladder.