To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

Stay strong.
None of that needs any input from you ata ll.
Nothing above.
OK
Do not reply.
Do not engage.
Let them create theor drama. You have your Line. Do not cross it.

No, I'm not. I don't even have a cat. I'm allergic to cat fur actually. I do think the cat is being prioritised though (by the SIL). I can see why you believe the SIL is doing wrong by the cat but I doubt SIL would agree.

Also , this doesn’t add up - you’ve given your IL the chance to see the kids just before Christmas so if they are really that bothered about their daughter having to deal with the cat being locked away why not just take you up on that offer?

Honestly I’d just rather be safe than sorry and do without seeing them at all at Christmas Day if your SIL is being this unhinged about agreeing to put her cat away.

How do you know your SIL will stick to the agreement and won’t start crying and pulling at the heartstrings of her parents?

I think they will agree to it then do a 180 on the 25th once you’re already there.

SIL sounds batshit

This isn't fair on your kids, you, anyone involved, or in fact the cat - who shouldn't be in such a stressful, unfamiliar environment.

Just stay home. Your family chat message was fine, but you need to double down on it. Any chinks in the armour which makes it look as though the cat will be anywhere near your toddlers, and you need to refuse to come. You will in the end have to refuse to come.

At the risk of sounding like my own mother, that cat could have one of your babies' eyes out.

The whole family sounds loopy. Your husband needs to get better at supporting his family. And that's you and the babies btw, not your whiney SIL and MIL. What kind of PIL let their grandchildren get scratched by a cat btw? And continue to be at risk of it?

No way would I spend my Christmas like this!

Honestly as a cat & dog owner and lover and we can no longer all holiday together because of neurotic dog I am rolling my eyes so bloody much.

The cat will be much calmer and happier shut away whilst the DC are up.

They are utterly ridiculous. Maintain your position and do not cave.

Poor old cat just needs a proper feed of turkey (not toddler legs) and then it will sleep for 95% of the day.

This is neither your circus, nor indeed your monkeys. This is super odd behaviour. What did you say? You need to be careful they don't make you apologise and agree to something other than what you've stipulated. Repeat what you said in the family chat: That is how things must be, as you cannot have your children injured again.

You have a very strange power dynamic in your relationship. The fact that his family dominate every Christmas period, the fact that your husband demands non negotiables, the fact your child has been hurt and he prioritises a cat and his sisters feelings over his own small child! What is even more worrying is you signified that his injury was greater importance than your child's.

My response would be simple, I can't control your cat but I can place boundaries to keep my children safe, if you won't compromise and keep your cat out of the dining room then my children can't be in that environment. If he doesn't like it I really would not give a flying monkey because I have little respect for selfishness. If she prioritises her cats temporary isolation over the safety of her nieces and nephews then I would not give a monkeys about her either!

But you won't do that because the power is with your husband, so I would be armed with some cat scaring device at the dinner table

🎼Last Christmas cat scratched DC’s calf and the very next day we shooed it away. This year to save SIL’s tears we’ll appease her because she’s “special!”😉

In all seriousness I think you’ve done the right thing sending the message. Your suggestions are very sensible and reasonable. The SIL can still bring the cat with her but it stays in a room where it will be disturbed only by SIL going in to check on it. Like others have said SIL is not putting the cat first. Cats don’t like change in my experience and being uprooted from familiar surroundings and plonked in a place with more people than live in its usual home, making noise will be the last thing it wants.

I think SensibleSigma’s suggestion of making a fuss would have been another valid option to go ahead with. “Is the cat in here? Where’s the cat? Can anyone see the cat? Have you got a good grip on the cat?DH, keep an eye on the cat make sure it’s not near Fred. Is the cat scratching little Jenny? Come here, Jenny, sit on my lap, so the cat doesn’t scratch you.”

The PILs need to see grandkids on Xmas, "it's not the same" if it's a few days in advance. SIL also can't be left alone on Xmas. And the cat can't be separated from SIL.

OP they are nuts.
Stay firm. But if they promise Christmas will be cat-free and you end up going there, have a plan B ready for when batshit sil turns up with moggie.
Such as pile the kids back in the car and go home.
I don't think you can trust them to keep any promises when sil turns on the water works.

Talking about infections -

I have had cats all my life 60 years plus.

My neighbour and I have cat sat for each other for 8 years.

5 years ago one of her cats scratched me on the hand near my middle finger and drew blood. I washed it immediately but it was too late.
It was infected and started to swell.
I went to the pharmacy to see if they had anything ( being a Sunday the GP was closed ) and yes I got something, it didn't work.
The whole hand was swollen within a few hours, and I saw the GP the next morning. 2 complete courses of antibiotics later nothing was working :(
GP decided to send me to hospital so I could have antibiotics ( or something ) by drip.

No.

it was decided to admit me for an operation the next day.

I was off work for over a couple of weeks as I couldn't drive / get dressed properly etc. Had to get physiotherapy for 6 weeks to get the fingers working properly again and wore some type of glove on my hand to help.

5 years later I can still see the little scar on my hand where they operated.

Could / would you inlaws cope mentally if something similar happened to one of their grandchildren...

“It’s not the same”

Fair enough if that’s how they see it, but that’s still their choice then to have the cat locked away.

There is a very reasonable alternative of seeing the kids a few days earlier and then having the SIL and cat roam free at Christmas in the absence of your kids. They’re just choosing not to go for it and saying seeing the kids “needs” to be on the 25th.

This whole situation is entirely of their (PIL and SIL) own making because of course cat can be left alone either in the room or at the sisters home.

The only non-negotiable in this should be that your kids deserve safety.

Everyone else needs to bend around that fact, it shouldn’t be on you to compromise your and your kids safety needs to satisfy their wants

What if the scratch is to their eyes? How will he deal with that?

The in-laws sound like hard work. Sounds like everyone is treading on eggshells to not say or do the wrong thing to upset SIL anyway.
I can relate to this a lot. When I was growing up there would be atmospheres whenever we visited my father’s side of the family (for the record my father is a toxic individual anyway) and my “aunt” would be sat with a face like thunder and not speak to anyone or she’d just leave when we arrived. Had to be careful what you said or you’d upset “our Lynne” and the same applied to my grandfather - he was a moody git and would fly off the handle.
I was glad when I was old enough to be in a position to say, “I’m not going.”

I think you could say you’d like the children and you to have happy memories of Christmas with the in laws. Not fraught atmospheres and savage cats!

If the cat needs to be "free to roam", then surely it can be free in the back garden?

She’s alone and sad because she’s a total nutter… honestly the whole bloody family sound deranged..they need therapy.
SiL needs to get a grip

On a side note, your ILs sound absolutely bonkers!

This.

Your in-laws are all complete loons and your husband's a fucking idiot. I wouldnt be spending another Christmas with his crackpot family. And that would be non-negotiable.

Your children should be able to enjoy their Christmas without fear of being attacked by a feral bloody animal or witnessing any more ridiculous histrionics FFS.

You could use the “how would you feel if the children were hurting your car and I did nothing/expected you to ignore it?” We’ve got to be sensible and make sure everyone has a good Christmas. If we can’t find a solution I think I’d sadly prefer to stay at home.
As for your husband saying things are non negotiable- erm no! They bloody are. Or he will be negotiating a divorce.

so it is all sorted then@juiceboxjuggle btw how old is sil?? do you live far away from pil?? is cat a house cat?? if it is then it can really stay in its own hows for 2.5days anyway

Your husband's position is definitely not a "logical" one by the way...!

It's emotional as much as his sister's, except his emotional response is "please let me have calm and lack of fighting at any cost" rather than bursting into tears.

Logical would be "upset cats and toddlers don't mix, let's figure out a solution where they don't mix".

He and his dad are definitely having highly emotional knee-jerk reactions to conflict. Don't let him paint himself as the logical one in all this.