Don't know what to make of DH's lack of concern

[Boots4me]

I have been feeling ill since Friday: sense of doom, feeling sick, and stomach pains. I have a range of pre-existing health conditions, and I often feel unwell.

DH isn't too concerned, he keeps saying "it's probably a virus, you'll be fine."

He then suggested going to A&E which I didn't want to and I'm sure he said that to shut me up.

But I feel so upset and angry at his indifference. He keeps either downplaying my concerns or telling me that there is nothing he can do. I've just ignored him for now am not responding to him

I just wanted him to listen to me.

Then you need to find a therapist or counsellor or someone else to talk to. It's unfair on your husband to pile it all on him and expect him to do performance sympathy at your behest.

You definitely need a therapist or a counsellor.

And with heart attack, and with anaphylaxis, though the latter doesn't sound likely.

I agree with this. You need to find another outlet and support network rather than relying on one person.

Ask your gp or have a google if there is any support groups for your conditions, even if they are online forums.

And also look into talking therapies.

So it’s not just 10 minutes is is. Listen to everyone telling you about compassion fatigue.

There is a chronic illness board here you can use, there will be Facebook groups dedicated to your conditions. Use them.

Your husband cannot be your everything. He is all out of comfort and compassion. You’ve used it all up.

I have a DH who has a host of health conditions that leave him in a fair amount of chronic pain. He's also been incredibly unlucky going into septic shock from a perianal access and also getting sepsis again after a ruptured appendix and part of his bowels removed, all within a year. I can't comprehend how he stays positive all the time but of course being his wife it's me he tells how he is feeling when it is getting on top of him. To anyone looking in it may appear I'm not overly sympathetic, I sincerely am and doing everything I can to help him with his health, but there's only so many times I can say the same thing expressing sympathy verbally over and over again. Could this be the case if you're often poorly? If I'm repeating the same things I think it may sound not genuine, does that make sense? They say actions speak louder than words, so is he proactive in helping you practically? For example, I check he's up to date with taking his medication, make sure we always have heat patches in for his bad back, make him healthy home cooked food, suggest going out walking as that helps the chronic pain, help with medical appointments or do research into anything that can help.

Well that's a shame because you could well end up dead, given that it's a well-known red flag for sepsis, anaphylaxis and heart attack.

Most people wouldn’t think to associate a sense of doom with feeling unwell, let alone list it as their number one symptom unless they wanted to start alarm bells ringing…and an outpouring of sympathy.

You need to look for some support groups and a therapist. Your husband is a person too.

What EXACTLY do you want him to do?

You said you want to be listened to - but considering he’s already told you that it’s probably just a virus and then told you to go to A&E, then surely he has been listening?

What else explicitly do you want him to do?

Your posts come across very ‘woe is me’. I would really struggle with this on a long enough timescale as well.

It is very hard to know what's going on here, OP. I have a relative who regularly has these types of symptoms and they are not serious in her case (having been to A and E), but of course they may be- it's true to say that I do sometimes run out of sympathy, although I do also try to listen a bit. He is probably saying 'A and E' as he's tired of hearing about it all the time and you can get exasperated with people, especially if they have health anxiety and tend to spiral.

That said, if he's regularly unsympathetic or nasty then that's different. It's very hard for us to say anything except what he said, which is do go to a walk in or A and E if these are new and unusual symptoms for you as neither he, or us, can know what they signify.

Some men are shit with illness, some are usually fine but get tired out with it all like we all do- only you know which of these is true.

Have you looked at it from his point of view? You say you have a number of health issues, maybe he is just fed up of trying to boost you all the time

its hard for him to, as someone whose family member is also unwell on a lot of occasions, with lots of hospital appointments, talking about results, the way forward etc sometimes you reach the end of your patience as well

he has given you some options you have refused to consider, maybe, just maybe he’s had enough as well

Have you experienced it? An acquaintance of mine went into anaphylaxis after a couple of bee stings, and his description of it was, 'I had this huge sense of doom'.

Health anxiety is very difficult to cope with if you are the healthy person. One gets tired and drained.

Honestly op. It's hard to listen to someone constantly complain about their health when you can't do
Anything to solve it. Compassion fatigue is a real thing .

I'm sorry op , I get you want a sounding board but he's only human too and it's exhausting being supportive all of the time over the same issue.

Could you have a look around for any online groups you can join?

You might get more empathy and understanding from others going through the same.

If you are often ill he is maybe struggling to be empathetic all the time. My DH has a long term health condition, when he is ill with it I do sympathise but all anyone wants to talk about is that, people message asking how he is and sometimes I feel frustrated because it's me that had to pick up the slack. I know it's unreasonable but sometimes I want a break from hearing about it. I have been able to articulate it to him and close family and everyone was supportive so now we have more support from a wider network so it's not just me providing a listening ear. Do you have a wider social or family circle who can support you both?

Then OP should be taking her DH up on his offer to go to A&E rather than drumming up sympathy on MN.

My DH has a lifelong condition. 99% of the time he is fine but that 1% such as getting norovirus puts him in hospital for a week. I have been told I am cold towards the situation when he is ill. I'm actually not but I have to the focused one ensuring that the kids are still looked after and the house functions whilst still trying to hold down a job. I can only empathise so far because he never wants to bother anyone and then gets delirious due to being so unwell. I have to push emotions to one side and be the practical one. I don't have the headspace at that time to empathise at a high level. That doesn't make me uncaring but somebody who is used to chronic illness. If I fell at his feet hysterical every time he ends up in hospital it wouldn't help him in the slightest. FWIW he had to do similar when I was diagnosed with cancer.

It’s hard to see how you will get your need for comfort and sympathy met by ignoring the person offering them. Tell him how you’re feeling and that you only want him to listen. Then go to bed or to an and e.

I am on various medications and see my GP on a regular basis but my conditions are chronic and can only be managed or cured

Yes, agreed.

When my DH feels unwell with his chronic illness, I ask him if there is anything I can do or get him. And if it seems worse than usual I'll ask if he wants to go to A&E but apart from that there's not much else I can do no matter how much he moans and groans 😂

I appreciate it's hard OP, I also have a chronic illness (we're a bundle of laughs in our house lol) and at the moment I feel unwell more than I feel well but there's nothing my DH can do. Yes it's shit cos you want them to wave a magic wand and make you all better but they can't. If you want something, ask for it.

You need some type of therapy, be it talking or CBT. Both really helped me and I would highly recommend doing it.

Out of interest OP, are you an only child or the youngest child. It came up in therapy for me. When I was a child I looked to my parents to make everything right, entertain me and look after me which they did, however I carried that into my adult life, looking to partners to look after me and make everything okay. All very interesting and something to think about maybe 🤷