Don't know what to make of DH's lack of concern

[Boots4me]

I have been feeling ill since Friday: sense of doom, feeling sick, and stomach pains. I have a range of pre-existing health conditions, and I often feel unwell.

DH isn't too concerned, he keeps saying "it's probably a virus, you'll be fine."

He then suggested going to A&E which I didn't want to and I'm sure he said that to shut me up.

But I feel so upset and angry at his indifference. He keeps either downplaying my concerns or telling me that there is nothing he can do. I've just ignored him for now am not responding to him

I just wanted him to listen to me.

My DH has a long term condition. I try to do helpful things to make it easier for him and I am sympathetic as I wouldn't like it. (He now has all the high drawers in the bedroom so he doesn't need to bend down to get stuff, and I have rearranged the kitchen cupboards so all the stuff he would use during the day is within easy reach).

But I don't engage in a pity-party with him. I know sometimes he wants to vent if he is feeling very rough, but the is nothing I can do, he needs to suck it up or go to Dr.

Sometimes I listen, but sometimes I am just not interested. It's not that I don't care, I do, but I am not in the right headspace to deal with it, because his health impacts on me and my lifestyle and sometimes I don't want to deal with it.

I am sorry you have health conditions, but they impact on your partner too, so please bear that in mind. Do you listen to his worries around it all?

This, op sounds like the multiple similar posters on mn whose life centre on 'me, me, me! I am THE most important person ever, everything I do is of extreme note,and the world must centre on me, I have health issues which are the worst ever and I must be priority for THE WORLD!!'

Haha I just posted the exact same thing! Does your DH also walk sorta hunched over with a deeper voice while wearing a housecoat of doom? His most recent ailment seems to be some sort of ear issue which results in very frequent tilting of the head while he smacks his ear.

I know someone with chronic health issues. His wife must be a saint to stick with him. Sorry but you should try and understand from his perspective- we all have limited emotional bandwidth. Also the sense of Doom comment makes me wonder if he us becoming immune to the drama rather than lacking in sympathy.

Look at this from your husband's point of view...you have been complaining you feel ill but are unhappy with reassurance that it could be a virus and are unhappy with suggestion you seek further medical help.

Sounds like he cant really win and you sulking now is only going to make you feel worse.

What do you want op?? Don't want be told its a standard virus..... Don't want to go to ED..(possibly because you'll be told is nothing unusual) would it be best if someone validated your need, 'gosh yes. No one has it as bad as you, you are the special one'?

General observation here (not aimed at the OP) - I think some people who talk about their health concerns a lot don't realise how often they do it or how central it is to their conversation.

I remember a woman at my workplace - she was a nice woman but I had to avoid her at break times or spend my entire break listening to her talk about illness. Always something wrong from a chronic illness flare up to a banging head or her back was killing her.
I would always suggest she was too afflicted to be at work. "Should you be here feeling so awful?"
Was never bad enough to be off...just bad enough to totally monopolise my short break over.
Sorry but ugh. She seemed very self-unaware.

FWIW if I kept saying I was ill then DH would tell me to go the walk-in/A&E/whatever too. That does show concern, if you ask me - you're complaining you're not well, he's told you to see a doctor. You said no - I'm not sure what else you want him to do. That's the natural progression of that conversation - there IS nothing he can do, if you're concerned you need to see a doctor and if it's just a virus then you just need to ride it out.

I agree with others re: compassion fatigue. Being honest, how many times in the average week do you talk to your dh about feeling unwell or your various illnesses? There’s only so much listening and supporting that someone can do.

You're better off ringing 111. He doesn't know anything and can't do anything. If you're often ill and "he keeps saying" then I'd say he's sick of you going on and on about feeling like shit when there's nothing he can do about it. The "I'm not talking to him" aswell would suggest you're quite emotionally draining, you can't just dump all your shit feelings on him and expect him to constantly give you support and empathy. He has his own needs and emotions.

This -100%.
I couldn't have said it better: show me you care. It is hard to sit next to your wife for 10 minutes and comfort her.

He mentally can't listen about your health problems anymore.
He has offered to take you to A&E.
you declined that offer.

So you’re going to ignore all of the responses making valid points and just keep banging this drum?

What are your health problems OP? That will have a big impact on what is and isn’t considered moaning

OP, you sound rather like a member of my family who wants to talk constantly about her heath issues and her feelings, and expects us to listen but never to offer a suggestion about how to improve matters because she says that would be rescuing. She just wants us to listen.

That's asking a lot, particularly if listening to you means listening to hours of complaining and moaning while you do nothing to remedy the situation. Our partners and families aren't there just to listen. We have to take responsibility for ourselves. Find yourself a therapist. Therapists listen for £50+ an hour.

As you have a range of pre-existing health conditions, I assume these are monitored through your GP and you have received proper diagnoses and treatments/medication? How long has this been going on? It's very hard to live with someone who is unwell for years, especially if neither of you are elderly.

Exactly.

Sums it up really.

Well it's clearly not 10 mins and done,. Seems it's a totally encompassing, all that matters, nothing else is important as you central life focus!

It's been going on for years. A whole cast of health problems. I am in my mid 30s and I am so stressed out by these problems. I feel exhausted and do talk about them with my husband because I don't have anyone else to discuss these m with.

Are you anxious about your health OP?

Yes, but what is your GP saying/doing about it? I presume you have sought professional help and you aren't self diagnosing?

How much of your life centres on this?

Isn't he having to take on some things you can't do because of your health issues?
That's exhausting enough and to have to baby you emotionally every day is a lot to take on.
It's unfair to use your spouse as the only emotional crutch, you really need to get your GP to help resolve these issues AND seek some talking therapy or something, a counsellor or group that shares your issues so you can take a bit of control back and start improving or at least take some of the load off your husband.

I am afraid I wouldnt be able to sit around and listen to health problems that had gone on for years. He has compassion fatigue

I'm sorry OP, that's shit and must be really stressful.
I honestly don't think it's not caring about you, like others have mentioned, it's compassion fatigue. It can be exhausting dealing with a partners physical or mental health problems (and I speak as the wife of a man who had to deal with my severe depression for years) and sometimes you just can't talk about it anymore.